Words

I considered not writing this post, but I think that for the sake of those who will come after me in loss I will. Ad suggested today while Maia and I were trying to find a dress for me to wear this weekend that I should write a book on how to deal with loss. Perhaps I will, but part of that book will be on how to deal with someone who has lost. The book will need to capture all the things that grieving people think, but do not feel the right to say. Because as much as people want to say 'you can do whatever you want while you are grieving' - you know they don't mean it and they know they don't mean it. They are certainly not expecting for you to turn around and tell them just how hurtful what they just said was. Just because you are grieving, does not mean you have been removed from society, and so as much as I may want to say some things sometimes, I and the rest of the world who grieves does not.

So, rather than respond emotionally when I just can't handle it anymore, I figured that I would address the issue head-on. It's what my mom would have done, so here you go. Like Brandy told me today on the phone 'take a deep breath and remember they are just trying to help'.

So in case you think that what I am writing here is my own crazy thoughts, let me quote for you from the 'Lament for a Son' book I mentioned before. If I do write a book this book will be what inspires me, because reading on paper what I'm thinking in my head is incredibly helpful. Nicholas Wolterstorff says "What do you say to someone who is suffering? Some people are gifted with words of wisdom. Bun not all are gifted int that way. Some blurted out strange, inept things. That's OK, you're words don't have to be wise. And if you can't think of anything at all to say, just say, "I can't think of anything to say. But I want you to know that we are with you in your grief." Not even the best of words can take away the pain. Express your love. But please: Don't say it's not really so bad. Because it is. Death is awful, demonic. If you think your task as comforter is to tell me that really, all things considered, it's not so bad, you do not sit with me in my grief but place yourself off in the distance away from me. Over there, you are of no help. Some say nothing because they find the topic too painful for themselves. They fear they will break down. Sot they put on a brave face and lid their feelings - never reflecting, I suppose, that this adds new pain to the sorrow of their suffering friends. Your tears are salve on our wound, your silence is salt."

So, here is my version:
1. If (and I mean this) you have experienced a similar loss to the person who is grieving, please offer them words of truth. These in the end are the words of wisdom. I do not need motivation or comfort, I need truth. I needed to hear that some of this pain will never go away, that there will always be a dull ache of longing. I needed to hear that it's going to get worse before it gets better. I needed to hear that in the happiest moments of your life you will still think of your mom and have a tinge of sadness no matter how long she has been gone. I also needed to hear that you would feel happy again, eventually. I needed to hear that I will be able to reach a new normal. This normal will not be the same, but it will be better than now. These are words of wisdom, because they are words of experience.

2. If you have not experienced that loss, or if your loss was of someone not as close as the person, please please please, do NOT give advice. Don't tell me how to get through it, don't tell me how it will get better, don't tell me it will all be ok. Don't tell me how she is with me when she is not, or how I can talk to her even though I can't, or that what I'm experiencing is normal and it will go away. If you have not experienced it, please do not give me advice on how to experience it.

3. If you don't know what to say, it really is ok to say 'I don't know what to say, but I'm thinking of you'. These are some of the most comforting words I've heard.

4. If you think it may be better to not say anything, you are very very wrong. His example of pouring salt on wounds is exactly right. When Brandy and I post our mom's obituary and you don't write anything it hurts far more than if you write something and it makes me cry. I want to cry. I cry all the time. When you make me cry it means you gave testimony to the wonderful person I lost. I'm sad that I lost her, but I'm happy that you knew her. Or I cry because you took the time to acknowlege my pain. You took the time to say 'hugs' - just that means more than I can explain.

5. But there is one caveat in this. If you didn't know them well don't act like you did. If you don't know me well, don't act like you do. Don't say something so you feel better about having said something. Say what you feel you should say and then let it be. If you were not my best friend before this happened, 'helping me through' will not make you my best friend after. My best friends know who I am already and can deal with the fact that the way I'm acting today is not me I'm just angry, or the way I'm acting today is not me I'm depressed, or the way I'm acting today is not me I just need someone to sit and talk to me about my mom. If you didn't know me you can't know that. It's nothing against you, it's just life. You can't be everyone's best friend. So, if you are someone's best friend, please take the time to be there for them. If you aren't, take the time to listen when they choose to talk or offer your help and say you are thinking of them, but remember that they have friends who know them deeply and pray that they can be there instead.

6. In everything you say, remember that 'not even the best of words can take away the pain'. If you are saying something in order to comfort me, it probably won't. If you are saying something to show me you love me, it probably will. I appreciate words when they are given to show me love, not when they are given to try to fix things. I appreciate Bible verses, when they are given to show me you are standing with me in my faith, not when they are given to try to fix things. In the end, it's only me and God that can fix the hole that is in my heart. Your words can be precious and beautiful, but they can also hurt. Sitting down and telling me a story about what you remember of my mom is one of the most beautiful gift of words you can give.

And really, if you read all of that, you probably already knew it all. But thank you for reading it anyway.