The Facts

Wow. I thought that each week feeling so different was wild. Then I thought that feeling different each day this past week was intense. Today, I feel like every hour has felt different than the last. Let me just say I am really hoping we don't start going down to the minute to minute emotional state change tomorrow because I'm not quite certain if I can handle it.

Yesterday Brandy and I realized that my mom's obituary would be posted today. It made my stomach drop thinking about it, and today when Brandy called and said it had been posted it made my stomach drop again, but coming home tonight and actually seeing it...I don't know that there are words to describe that. I honestly felt like I was in some kind of movie and I was going to realize that all this was some weird script and real life was still there behind all of this. I know, it's crazy - this is why we called Patricia yesterday because sometimes the things I think sound like a crazy person.

We were looking for pictures for the service and found this dark grainy video with no sound of my mom dancing at Christmas time. Brandy and I both knew from the 30 seconds of quiet video that she was dancing to Jingle Bell Rock and she was bobbing her Christmas ball earrings and my first thought was, 'oh man, I love when she does that, it's hysterical', my immediate second thought was 'how it is possible that I'm not going to see that dance again?'.

Just a few months ago one of my close friend's dad's died. As I sat looking at my mom's obituary site the first thing I remembered was sitting on Rachel's dad's obituary site thinking of what I could possibly write to at least let her know I was thinking of her. My second thought was 'how it is possible that this is real, this is not real'. I've honestly looked at it 3 times just in an effort to tell myself it's real. I can tell you I still feel shocked every time I see her face on that page. It's amazing how long it takes for your brain to wrap itself around this.

I am going to spend the rest of my life on this earth without my mom. The thought of it makes me want to throw up. And scream. And cry. And curl up in a ball and go to sleep for days. And not necessarily in that order. Even writing this post, I have to remind myself that she is not going to read it. I've never needed to remind myself of so many facts that just don't seem true.

And so, I need to do the same thing with my faith. I need to remind myself of the facts, that just don't seem true right now. Every day I will wake up and remind myself that God sent Jesus to bind up the brokenhearted, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve - to bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. I will be called an oak of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor. (Isaiah 61:1-3)

I will remind myself of the facts, good and bad, and I will walk through the day knowing that 'The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." (Isaiah 40:28-31).