Life Like That

I heard this song on the radio yesterday...it's pretty much amazing.  Life Like That - Sidewalk Prophets

Belated Thankfulness

A few days ago in a devotional I am reading the author asked 'What opportunities have you been given recently to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God?'  As I thought about the question I realized I had a huge situation to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God but was so busy I never even mentioned it...which is generally the way God's goodness and faithfulness gets missed by the way.  So here it is...I just finished my first semester of a PhD program and although I had only one mortgage payment of savings going into it and no paycheck, my bills have been paid, I am not in credit card debt and I never once begged for food or gas.

Even just typing it, I can tell it's tough to explain just how amazing this really is.  As of August 10th I had no job, school started in 15 days, I had a prospect of a job but the process of actually getting it was going to take a while, and financial aid hadn't arrived yet.  When it did arrive it would have paid my tuition and given me about $500 to support myself for 4 months.  First I got an e-mail from my program director that I had been given a scholarship to help cover my tuition for the first 2 semesters.  That allowed financial aid to actually go to living expenses.  But the job situation still didn't move faster.  I was offered a contracting position to help write a strategic plan which would provide a few hours of work each week.  But even adding that to my work at church I wasn't going to be brining in enough to pay the mortgage each month.  Then it gets good.  I won my very first poster presentation at a medical conference which gave me a cash reward.  A friend asked me to give a presentation to one of her classes and had money from the school to pay me.  Three random refunds that I had been waiting on came through right when bills were due.  I found out that the little bit of money I had put in a Roth IRA 5 years ago could be used for school expenses.  Brandy moved in which meant that once she started getting paychecks we would be splitting expenses.  And then last week I won a random drawing at school and got a Visa card.  I mean honestly, that is random people.

So, perhaps this is not the funniest or most engaging story ever, but it is life, and it's proof positive that God knows what's happening whether it seems like it or not.  One of the things that is most amazing is rather than God just providing a big lump of money that made it so I didn't have to worry about it again, He just made money come in when it needed to be there.  My bank account balance spent most of the past 4 months in the 10s, sometimes in the 100s, but it never went negative.  $100 here, $50 there just in time to pay what needed to be paid.  I don't think I would have realized how amazing or been aware God was watching over me if He had just made a lump of money available.  And so, rather than ignoring it or saying a cursory thank you and moving on, I decided to give a verbal (well written) testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness.  I hope it encourages someone to trust that God's got your back even if you don't see how He can possibly pull it off.  Believe me, when I add up the numbers it still doesn't make sense, but it's December, my bills are paid, I have money to buy food and fill up my car with gas and I'm starting my new job on Monday just in time to get a paycheck to pay the mortgage next month.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good and his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1)

Alive Again

I found this poem today:

God hath not promised skies always blue. 

Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through. 

God hath not promised sun without rain, 

Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day, 

Rest for the laborer, light on the way; 

Grace for the trial, help from above, 

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

In case you didn't notice, it's December.  The second Thanksgiving without my mom was in some ways harder than the first.  Last year felt sad, this year felt empty.  We were all there.  We all had fun.  We all enjoyed each other.  But something was missing.  I think Christmas this year may be similar.  So, I'm prepping myself by reminding myself of what God has already done in my life since August 19, 2010.  If He can do all that he has done in a little over a year than certainly he can get me through the second Christmas without my mom.  As Matt Maher sings in Alive Again - I can see the light before I see the sunrise...The sun rise is coming at some point, right now I'm going to celebrate strength for the day and the light that is slowly chasing away the darkness.

What a year can do

It is interesting what a year will bring.  The other day I was thinking about how utterly different my life this year is than it was last year.  I had just gone through what will be one of the worst losses of my life, I was working full time at a job I loved, I had no real plans other than a vague idea that maybe I would go back to school at some point, I was technically still married, my sister lived four hours away, my best friends were just trying to get me through the day let alone expect anything helpful out of me, and I didn't really have any ability to see out of the deep dark hole life had thrown me in.

This morning, Brandy and I got up, I made coffee while she straightened her hair for her orientation in the Charleston County school district (for those that haven't heard yet, she's in Charleston for the next year).  I fed the dogs and packed my backpack, and we drove downtown where I've been sitting in the library writing a bible study for tonight and studying logistic regression and disability for the past three hours.  I thought of something funny and texted it to the girls to make them laugh.  I heard the song Amazing Grace and smiled rather than cried.  Sometimes I get a little melancholy thinking of not being able to tell my mom about how crazy it is that life is so different, but the fact that the melancholy feeling doesn't send me into a crying spiral of disaster is itself a testament of what a year can do.  In one year, and probably the worst year of my life to be quite honest, God gave me a new purpose, a new hope, a new future, a new love of Him and a new life.  So, for those in the pit I just crawled out of, hang tight, call on God and He will meet you there to help you climb out...I promise.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

About three years ago I bought a ring that happens to fit on my left hand ring finger, and so that is where I wear it.  It also happens to look like a wedding band because it's just a plain silver band with one word inscribed on it.  That word is HOPE.  I did not buy it because I hope to be married again.  I bought it because God was speaking very clearly to me about needing to keep hope alive and I wanted something to remind me of what He was saying.  Since then quite a bit has happened that would damper one's hope, so I hold tightly to the fact that before any of it ever began He started prepping me.

About one year ago, actually now that I look at the calendar, one year ago yesterday we held my mom's funeral.  I am actually really glad that we waited a month to hold her funeral.  I have a lot of memories that I don't think I would have if it had been three days later - I was still in shock three days later...which I guess is the point of holding the funeral then.  But, our brains don't work that way, we like to process things, and so we delayed it until September 18th.  And because we did, Brandy and I could write an amazing eulogy for our amazing mother, and after much prayer deliver it with only a few quivers in our voices.  The next day we sat in my parent's livingroom with the funeral done, the posters of pictures filling the room, the vases of flowers filling the kitchen, and our hearts and minds totally overwhelmed with grief.  It was also the one year mark of her death, and I remember us all laying on the various chairs, not talking, very literally not wanting to do anything ever again.

About 20 minutes ago I was sitting here calmly starting my day while listening to music and reading Romans and the one song that can send me into a blubbering, slobbering, crying mess started playing on the iPod...I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin.  Well, to be honest, there are a few that can do that, but most of them I can make it through the first stanza before I start crying.  I know the song is I Will Rise literally by the third cord, and am generally crying by the forth.  When we were in the hospital with my mom, this song struck a cord with my Dad, my Aunt Dona, Brandy and I all at separate times in different places and was one of the two songs my Dad wanted sung at the funeral.  This all being unknown to her, my Aunt Barb e-mailed me and asked if she could sing a song at the funeral and suggested that one.  And so, you can start to see how just the first few cords can send my brain elsewhere.  I had myself a good cry, dried my eyes and decided to write down the hope that I have because clearly hope is a rather important word in this season in my life.  So here it is...

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:2-5)

How amazing is God that three years ago, He knew that today and everything that happened between then and now would happen and I would need that verse to remind me that these light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).   I will now listen to How Great Is Our God and rejoice that my sufferings will produce perseverance, and my perseverance will produce character, and my character will produce hope.  And my hope will not disappoint because God has given me His love and His Spirit to rise on eagles wings.

Beautiful Quote

All life is interrelated, somehow we're caught in an inescapable network of mutuality tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason, I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.  - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


I heard this quote last week.  Beyond the fact that I find Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to be insanely inspirational in his own right, this seems to capture the reasoning behind throwing your life into helping others.  However lost and mis-aligned this country may have become since it first embarked on its course, the idea that there are inalienable rights is one that I have always felt needs to be remembered.  The thing is, those living outside our country have the same inalienable rights, and so we really are never far removed from the rest of the world.  It is, when you get right down to it, the reason that I feel so strongly about international missions and would love to do international adoption.  And it is the reason that global health and health disparities are two of the top three topics that led me to and will focus me as I go through this degree.  So, in case you were wondering why I changed course mid-career, there it is.  I am caught in the "interrelated structure of reality" and I plan to do something about it.

Controlled Panic

So...we are 2 weeks in...my short version of how I am feeling about it is - controlled panic. It's intense that is for sure, but very awesome when you sit in a class as they are explaining what you are going to be trained to do with your degree and you think 'this is EXACTLY what I want to do and I never knew it existed!'. I am still working on figuring out how to regain my balance and find some kind of equilibrium in life. My advisor told me yesterday it usually takes a year and a half to get some traction...yikes...that is a lot of time to control panic :) The helpful aspect about that is the stress I'm feeling because I think I should have gotten control of myself already can go away :)

So, this morning I was listening to the Switchfoot CD and heard this song and something about it was exactly what I'm feeling. The idea of going back to school for a PhD in a field I've never taken so much as an undergrad class in, no longer being at the job that is my comfort zone with my comfort zone people, my schedule being all whacked out and every day being different, class times and schedules and assignments changing randomly and suddenly, and the idea of what is ahead...and yet, God has told me that He will be with me, that He will never leave or forsake me, that He will see me through and that the battle is not mine. I can stand and see the deliverance of the Lord, I can say that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, and that though trials may come, He has overcome the world! Panic is my hurricane...but it's not taking me out!

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

Not a doubt in my mind anymore

There's a storm up ahead

I'm a fighter fighting for control

I'm a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

Hello hurricane, you're not enough

Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane

Faithful

Last year on August 18th I slept on a hospital floor and the next morning sat beside my mom while she took her last breath. With Steven Curtis Chapman I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused, but I know God is faithful...

"I will proclaim it to the world.

I will declare it to my heart.

And sing it when the sun is shining.

I will scream it in the dark."

Whatever is

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

It is generally a good idea to listen to St. Paul...and the Word of God :) And so, I shall think about such things...

- I have absolutely incredible friends that come to my emotional rescue each and every time I need it

- I have an absolutely amazing family that supports each other and encourages one another even through their own pain

- I am going to Maine tomorrow with said wonderful friends where there is NOT 8000% humidity...yes I recognize that you can't have 8000% humidity...that doesn't make it stop feeling that high

- I am going to be eating my weight in lobster over the next few days with said friends on said trip to Maine

- I had the blessing of my very first job being with such wonderful people that I hate to leave...I have realized over the years that working with amazing people is not a given

- I got a scholarship I didn't apply for and a job I didn't know existed all because I waited and prayed and God is awesome

- I have a sweet little pup who will cuddle with me every time I lay on my bed to cry, or just to read

- I have a God who tells me what will help me feel better and when I do it...I feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but making yourself list the good things sure does help your perspective.

I Have Decided

His yoke is easy, His burden is light,
I have decided, I'm gonna fix my eyes,
On the Perfecter, the Author of my faith, Jesus Christ

Greater - New Life Worship

Perceptual Adaptation

I am exhausted. This week I attempted to dump my brain onto Word files and e-mails to prep someone else to take over the job I've been doing for the past 6 years. I also ran 5 nights of Vacation Bible School, which in case you haven't worked VBS in the recent past takes quite a large quantity of energy to get things ready, know what is going to go wrong before it goes wrong, fix what goes wrong after it goes wrong, and show no fear, indecision or exhaustion to the kids. And, all the while I suppressed the desire to panic about any of the facts in my life: that in one month I have no idea how I'm going to pay my mortgage, that I'm going back to school in a field that is totally new which takes literally all my brain power to focus and absorb the information, that the one year anniversary of my mom's death is looming on the horizon, that I'm going home next weekend to visit my grandfather for what possibly could be the last time...the list of reasons to panic could go on but I'm too tired to keep typing.

In short my life is upside down. Actually, no, it feels worse than that. In college psychology class I remember learning about a study where they had people wear glasses that made the world upside down and after 4 or 5 days their brains actually inverted everything so that they were seeing right side up again. When they took the glasses off, they were seeing everything upside down, and had to wait for their brains to invert everything again. It's called perceptual adaptation. I more or less feel like for the past two years I have had to take those glasses on and off about 20 times and my brain is feeling ready to give up on telling me which way is up.

In case you were wondering, it's a rather intense thing to feel, and not all together enjoyable. But...it's where am...I am in the land of continuous perceptual adaptation. Here is the thing though. The first few times I had the glasses put on or had them taken away I more or less freaked out. I was out of control of my life, I had no idea what was going to happen and I had no clue what to do about it. For me, that is a reason to freak out. The longer this goes on, however, and the closer the flipping back and forth happens the less thrown off I seem to be. Really, the past two weeks has seen some pretty major changes (so much so that half of you reading this don't even know I'm not going to be working in two weeks...yeah, I really don't feel like going into it) and yet, I'm shocked at how minorly phased I am all things considered. I have finally reached the point where I'm totally fine with waiting on God to tell me where to go next and I totally trust that He is going to. Being able to honestly say that is all by itself a sign of how far God's brought me. It's one thing to say you trust God...it's another to actually do it.

So remember how I wrote a number of posts about how much I hated the question 'how are you' after my mom died? The new question on my hatred list is 'so what is your plan'? Most people really don't believe you when you say you don't know, and you're ok because you know that you will when you need to. But guess what? I don't know. And I know that I will when I need to. My life is upside down, but it will flip back up at some point. Until then I will sleep with the ceiling as the floor.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

Waiting for the Sunrise

All I need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
I am lost in the twilight
But I will close my eyes and move on
I am tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take me
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find me

Sunrise - by Brandon Heath (in case you can't tell those words above are edited from this song)

Baby Feet

Day 23: a photo of something you want to do someday

The one thing I can say I truly want to do more than anything else while on this earth is kiss the sweet little feet of a baby that is mine. The path through which my child becomes mine is not as important as they fact that they are in fact...mine. What God has in store for me as far as that category of life is yet to be seen...but I trust whatever he has in store is what he knows is best for me.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

It Is Well

Last night I attended the funeral of Joe Bazzle, a main-stay in my church and a pretty major punch in the gut to find out he had passed last Thursday. It was the first funeral I had attended since my mom's. I knew it was going to be hard to handle one on more levels than one, but I also knew that I needed to go. The last song we sang before I left to help the ladies serve the food for the family was 'It Is Well'. If you have never heard of the story behind It Is Well, you should read it because that alone is inspiring. The first stanza, however, pretty much says it all...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

The stanza that caught my heart last night was the third one we sang. I don't know that I ever realized the way it was phrased with him starting a line, then literally interrupting it to say how amazing a thought it is, and then finishing it.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Last week was a little odd for me. We passed the 8 month mark since my mom died. For some reason it hit me relatively hard, although it was almost all subconscious, which had it's own form of oddness. Rather than thinking about my mom all the time (as happened on other month markers), it was as if my brain was in fact thinking about her, but didn't bother telling me. I only knew because I wasn't in the right mood, I was edgy and impatient randomly and for no good reason, my body was physically showing stress even though I wasn't feeling stressed, and I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I have no idea if this is really making any sense, but suffice to say that it was weird to experience. All week I battled whether it was my emotions trying to get the better of me, or emotions that I needed to express and get out, or a combination of the two. It was an exercise in questioning myself on why I was feeling stressed, addressing it, and then doing it again...and again...and again. After a whole lot of soul searching that culminated in experiencing a funeral to question the very things I had been questioning all week, I can sing with Horatio Spafford that it really is well with my soul. My brain may still have to work things out from time to time, but it is well will my soul...and in the end, isn't that the most important part?

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

What if I'm the One

Day 7: a photo of something you stand for

This is a picture from the end of my 30th birthday Habitat for Humanity build. It represents a few things I stand for...1) you can in fact make a difference in the world, 2) you should in fact actually go about doing it rather than talking about it, 3) it usually comes in very different forms and with much less pomp than people want to make it out to be, 4) you are truly blessed if you have family and friends who will help you do it, and 5) fun is what you make of it.

You never know what your one effort will do in the lives of the people you impact, which is why I stand with James and say 'But someone may well say, "You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works." (James 2:18)

Brandon Heath - The One

"When I think of what could be
If we let our hearts believe
That it takes just one
Just one could turn this all around

And if we're living history
How will they think of you and me
If it takes just one, just one
What if, what if, what if I'm the one?"

As Long As I'm Here

Day 4: a photo of a place you'd like to visit

That is a very odd picture for this category you might be thinking...so let me explain. I have a list of places I'd like to visit that would rival just about anyone's I am pretty sure. I even made a bucket list a few years ago and realized most of the things on the list were places to visit. Australia, Machu Picchu, Costa Rica, Galapagos Islands, the Great Wall, the Pyramids, pretty much every National Park on the list...the list could go on forever.

So why is the picture of a place I'd like to visit a little girl in Managua, Nicaragua? The short answer is, my plans for what I want to do in my lifetime has changed. Be very careful when you honestly tell God that you want to do His will, because His will is not living it up in luxury. When you ask God to help you to love the things he loves, you start to love little girls in Managua, Nicaragua with a runny nose and a bowl of food bigger than their head, which might be the only meal they eat that week. You start to love sweaty nights in Panama laying in your hammock while praying for an island of people you didn't know 12 hours ago, and will likely never see again. You start to love finding ways to raise money to give to people who will never be able to pay you back. Because God loves those people and he needs hands and feet in this world to love them through.

I didn't actually realize the complete shift that had happened in my heart until I had to pick a picture for this day. While there were plenty of places to choose from nothing was screaming out to me. I figured it would come to me eventually so I saved the first line of my post listing what this photo was and went to work. When I got there my dad had sent me pictures of his mission trip to Nicaragua and my heart melted when I saw them. All of the sudden I realized I actually really wanted to go where God told me to go. I always thought that was a cop out more or less, the answer people who didn't really like to travel gave when asked where they wanted to go. And I certainly didn't think people really meant it, I thought they were in essence settling for it. But I really mean it. While I'd love to lay on a beach in Cabo, or dive the Great Barrier Reef, or wander through canyons in Utah, I'd equally love to set up clinic in the Kuna Islands and hand out Tylenol, bumbling through explaining it in Spanish. It was really a major moment when I realized it sitting there in my office crying over the pictures my dad had taken of sweet little children and their sweet little smiles.

And so, I decided that the place I'd like to visit is the place that I can do something for someone who can't do something for me. It's humbling to realize that God could change my heart that much, and yet he says not to rejoice in that but to rejoice in the fact that my name is written in heaven (Luke 10:20). And hence my picture is not so much a place as it is a person. Sweet little faces, who Jesus said of 'the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these' (Matt 19:14).

My dad asked the missionaries in Nicaragua what he could do to help once he got back to the U.S. and they said that one of the biggest needs the kids have is school uniforms. School is free, but if you don't have a uniform you can't go. It costs $25, which in a country where the average annual income is $3, you are talking a hefty price. Unfortunately because of corruption it's safer to transfer money into their account than sew and mail actual uniforms, otherwise we would do it that way. So, if you would like to send my dad or me a check for $25, he is collecting money to send to the missionaries in Managua for uniforms.. If you need our address comment on this or send me an e-mail.

I am going to finish up with another Brandon Heath song (I know, it's obvious I'm somewhat obsessed with his CD). I think though it sums up where I am right now in the way only a song can do - Brandon Heath - As Long As I'm Here

Someday I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love
Did I leave the world any better than it was before?
Of all the things I've done, could I have done anymore?

Love Never Fails You

I heard this song on the way to work today. I've heard it before, but the words really hit me this morning. And, seeing as how it's February and all I figured lyrics to a song about love were appropriate. I would post the song itself, but I'm at work and YouTube is blocked so search the title and artist - it's worth a listen...

Love Never Fails
by Brandon Heath

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

How Sweet The Sound

I love the song Amazing Grace. I was my grandmother's favorite song. My cousin, Anna, sang it at her church a few weeks before she was killed in a car accident. My mom had it played at her wedding, even though it's generally not a wedding song. In August, as it played Brandy and I walked into the sanctuary holding hands, getting ready to stand up and give our mother's eulogy. She and I had just stood in the bathroom looking at ourselves in the mirror and saying 'I am my mother's daughter and I can do anything'. And at the end of the service we sang a different version, as my brain tried to figure out what to do next. I find it difficult to listen to it without tearing up, and yet I would listen to it every day.

I just watched the movie, Amazing Grace. When I put it on my Netflix cue I thought there was a movie out about the person who wrote the song and assumed that was it. While it does have the man who wrote the song in the movie, it's more about someone who knew him and the abolition of slavery in England. And it's nothing short of amazing.

As I watched it I found myself wanting to find out if William Wilberforce (a name I had never heard of an now am amazed by) saw all his work come to pass or if slavery wasn't abolished until after he died. Which made me think of the fact that we all want that, don't we. We want to know that what we've been working on and striving for means something. And we want to see it. Galatians 6:9 says 'And let us now weary of well doing, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.' It almost confirms that we are going to see the results of our good works if we keep working. And yet, reality says that is not always the case.

Which brings me to what I've been pondering recently...perspective. I've truly realized that all of life can be changed by perspective. My favorite phrase to keep me from going insane with something that feels like it is taking forever is 'this is just what I am doing today'. Instead of looking at it as something I need to get done before I move onto the next thing, I look at it as what I'm doing that day. Then when it's over I move onto the next thing in line. It's a matter of perspective on my day. I've also been working on perspective on my life. If I believe that there is a heaven (and I do), and if I believe that I'm going there (and I do), then this life, no matter how rough it seems right now is a really, tiny, ity bity slice of the big pie of life. The big pie of life in eternity has me on this earth for (let's be REALLY optimistic on life span) 100 years. If I put my perspective on eternity then, these 100 years on earth don't seen all that large.

And it brings me to the next thing I've been contemplating recently (notice I've been doing a lot of contemplating and not a lot of blog writing). What am I going to do with these 100 years that is going to be worth something from the perspective of eternity? I would love to do something that matters in those 100 years, but I have finally come to the point where I care more about doing something that is going to last much longer. And it's very possible that in order to do that I won't necessarily see the result with my eyes. Which brings us back full circle to William Wilberforce and the abolition of slavery. Something that I think was really impressive about his life was that he seriously contemplated leaving politics in order to serve God. But what he realized was that God had placed him right where he was - in politics - to serve Him. God has placed me in a specific spot, given me a specific set of skills, allowed me to have a specific set of experiences, and has planned for me a specific grand purpose, which He says in His Word is beyond anything I can imagine. My job is to listen close enough to him, and persevere long enough with Him that I can make a difference in both this world and eternity.

The trick is making my brain wrap about that and accept it because it is far easier to contemplate than to life out...but then again aren't most things? So I will leave you with what has become one of my favorite stanzas in Amazing Grace, a stanza which I didn't actually notice until just recently...it's amazing what you can miss if you aren't looking...talk about perspective.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures,
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

And the version we sang at the end of my mom's service.

2011

Well, it's a new year. I can't tell you how many times last year I kept saying 'I can't wait until 2010 is over', and yet, now that it is, I almost wish it wasn't. 2010 was the year my mom died. That in itself could qualify it as the worst year of my life. It was also the year that I ended my marriage. It was the year that my sister learned just how hard it was going to be, if not impossible to get pregnant. It was the year that my dad found out he had to go through the rest of his life without the love of his life. And it was the year that my baby sister lost her mom the week before she turned 18. If it wasn't bad enough that it was the worst year of my life, it was the worst year of my family's life.

And yet, now I'm looking at 2011 and realizing this will be the first year that I don't see my mom's face and hear her voice on the phone, or call her up to get a recipe, or sit down for a cup of tea in the morning when we both wake up. This will be the first year where there is an entire 365 days without her, and that really doesn't make me all that excited about this year. I will have my first birthday without her being the first to wish me happy birthday. I will have my first wedding anniversary both without a marriage to celebrate and without a mom to say that it's going to be ok. And on August 19, 2011 I will look at the calendar and know that it's been an entire year since I said goodbye. Those aren't great firsts to look forward to.

And yet, I'm sure there will be moments of joy, and moments of laughter, and memories I will never forget, just like there was this year. There will be new experiences and new friends, just like there was this year. And, I think slowly my heart will keep healing, just like this year. But I can't help but be a little afraid of any heartbreak that may happen this year...just like last year.

I've never really been much for New Years Resolutions, although being someone who loves to plan I also have a weird affinity for them. In essence my resolution this year is to be more thankful. I don't think I'm un-thankful, but I do think I take things for granted sometimes. Last year at this time we were gearing up for my mom's bone marrow transplant and much like my friend Rachel said she did with her dad, I think I didn't really consider the possibility of my mom not making it. I took for granted the idea of always having here there. It's not that I didn't enjoy the time I had, or make room in my schedule to have time with her, it's just I always deep down kinda assumed we would still have more. So I'm going to make it a goal to take less for granted this year.

I'm also going to make it a goal to help those who do not have things that I do have as a way to remind myself to be thankful for what I have. The verse that keeps coming up no matter where I look the past few days is 'And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, show mercy, and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)'. So that is my New Years Resolution - I will act justly, show mercy and walk humbly with my God. Happy New Year everyone.

God's Poem

Today, I am sitting in my dad's bedroom by the pellet stove watching snow fall on the deck, thinking about the last time I did this...It was February and Brandy and I were sitting in my parent's bedroom by the pellet stove watching snow fall on the deck. In this same chair, doing this same thing I posted 'The Big Snow' while my mom and dad were staying the night in a Holiday Inn in Baltimore so that my mom could get to Hopkins in the morning for her daily tests. That is the same Holiday Inn my dad and I took a nap in 4 months ago days before my mom died.

Maybe it's the onset of Christmas and everyone asking what it is you want, but as of late, I have been trying to determine what it is I really want. Even in my prayers, I tell God I have no idea what I want from Him. I can sense as I pray that it's something God wants me to figure out because somehow that is going to help me deal with my grief, but I have been having problems doing it. On the surface I could say what I want is more time with my mom, but as I pray I can sense there is something more to it. About 3 days ago I realized what it is...What I really want is normal back. My normal has been utterly and completely changed, and I want it back.

I figured it out as I was reading Joni Eareckson Tada's newest book 'A Place of Healing'. She quotes Mary Jane Iron's statement on normal:

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are...Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taunt, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

My parents taught me how to be a person that didn't take things for granted, appreciate what you have and accept what you don't. We lived today, not waiting until tomorrow to do something or say something or go somewhere if we were able to. I appreciated my mom and I told her and showed her that I loved her, and yet I so long to tell her again. Brandy and I wrote in our eulogy that we can't say we really regret anything we didn't do with or didn't say to our mom, and yet there is an aching that we didn't do everything we could have. I realized that longing, that aching is for the normal day. My dad and I were talking on Christmas Eve about the fact that you will always ask for one more day, one more 'i love you', one more hug...it's just the nature of the beast. That asking is asking for the normal. When I scream at God that I'm angry and I don't know why, I'm angry because I don't have my normal. When I cry in my pillow and can't put a finger on why, it's because I just had a moment that should have been normal and wasn't. I have very much realized over the past few months that it's not the huge things I miss, it's the little things...it's the normal things.

It's hard to appreciate normal. Driving to work, sitting at a restaurant waiting for food, handing someone something from the fridge, watching a TV show together, checking on a recipie as you make it, going for a walk, finding out what someone did that day...that is normal...that is what I miss...that is what I long for. Do you know what I do regret? That we didn't videotape a normal day. But who thinks to videotape a normal day? You videotape a birthday, or a vacation spot, or a special event, but nobody videotapes making cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning and the random, non-important conversation that ensues. That, however it what I want. And as I write this I suddenly realize, that even if I had it, it wouldn't be enough. If I had that video, I would want a video of us sitting in the bedroom while my mom talked about the food network and Brandy and I laughed at how excited she was. And if I had that video, I would want a video of my dad coming home from work and giving my mom a kiss like he did every day....I would just want more because there are so many normal moments you can't possibly video them all. And it would seem wierd to have a video set up while you are going through your day :)

In the end, what I am coming to understand is that normal is always changing. Right now I'm getting used to a very severe kind of change in normal, the kind that makes it impossible to ever go back. I will never experience a 'normal Christmas' or 'normal drive to work' or 'normal day sitting by my parent's pellet stove' as I understand normal. I have to work out my new normal as I phrased it shortly after my mom died...I didn't know the wisdom of the words I was writing. How I figure that out is beyond me at this point, but I do think that knowing that is what I'm longing for will help me learn to let it go. God wasn't asking me to figure it out so he could wave it in my face and say 'well, too bad, you can't have it'. He was asking me to figure it out because in the figure out of what I wanted, I would start the process of figuring out the next question I'll ask Him.

Joni Eareckson Tada pointed out something very interesting about Ephesians 2:10, which says that we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. The word 'workmanship' in the original Greek is poiema, from which we get our English word 'poem'. What a beautiful way to look at yourself - as God's poem to the world. There are certainly some dark lines in my poem as of late, but if God knew in advance what he had planned for my poem to accomplish then these dark lines were supposed to be here. The normal in my previous stanzas is certainly not the normal that will be in my future stanzas, but I will keep trusting that 'God knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)