2011

Well, it's a new year. I can't tell you how many times last year I kept saying 'I can't wait until 2010 is over', and yet, now that it is, I almost wish it wasn't. 2010 was the year my mom died. That in itself could qualify it as the worst year of my life. It was also the year that I ended my marriage. It was the year that my sister learned just how hard it was going to be, if not impossible to get pregnant. It was the year that my dad found out he had to go through the rest of his life without the love of his life. And it was the year that my baby sister lost her mom the week before she turned 18. If it wasn't bad enough that it was the worst year of my life, it was the worst year of my family's life.

And yet, now I'm looking at 2011 and realizing this will be the first year that I don't see my mom's face and hear her voice on the phone, or call her up to get a recipe, or sit down for a cup of tea in the morning when we both wake up. This will be the first year where there is an entire 365 days without her, and that really doesn't make me all that excited about this year. I will have my first birthday without her being the first to wish me happy birthday. I will have my first wedding anniversary both without a marriage to celebrate and without a mom to say that it's going to be ok. And on August 19, 2011 I will look at the calendar and know that it's been an entire year since I said goodbye. Those aren't great firsts to look forward to.

And yet, I'm sure there will be moments of joy, and moments of laughter, and memories I will never forget, just like there was this year. There will be new experiences and new friends, just like there was this year. And, I think slowly my heart will keep healing, just like this year. But I can't help but be a little afraid of any heartbreak that may happen this year...just like last year.

I've never really been much for New Years Resolutions, although being someone who loves to plan I also have a weird affinity for them. In essence my resolution this year is to be more thankful. I don't think I'm un-thankful, but I do think I take things for granted sometimes. Last year at this time we were gearing up for my mom's bone marrow transplant and much like my friend Rachel said she did with her dad, I think I didn't really consider the possibility of my mom not making it. I took for granted the idea of always having here there. It's not that I didn't enjoy the time I had, or make room in my schedule to have time with her, it's just I always deep down kinda assumed we would still have more. So I'm going to make it a goal to take less for granted this year.

I'm also going to make it a goal to help those who do not have things that I do have as a way to remind myself to be thankful for what I have. The verse that keeps coming up no matter where I look the past few days is 'And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, show mercy, and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)'. So that is my New Years Resolution - I will act justly, show mercy and walk humbly with my God. Happy New Year everyone.