Week Two

So, to follow up my post on week one, I figured I would post on week two. Actually the fact that I'm posting this is part of the reason I realized I had something to say. I was sitting on the internet thinking 'what can I do now other than go to bed'. Distraction seems to be the name of the game for week two.

It's definitely different from week one, for instance I just now realized that we officially past two weeks this morning...last week I knew it the moment it hit. On the surface it seems like that would mean I'm thinking about it less, but in reality I think I'm thinking about it more, just not in relation to specific times. Last week I thought about mom every time I would have called her or laughed with her or mentioned her, this week I thought about her every time my mind got quiet. And hence my dislike for bedtime. There is no time you HAVE to allow your mind to get quiet like bedtime. In the morning I can distract myself with the plans of the day, during the day I can distract myself with work (I've been an efficiency queen this week! There is not an e-mail left unanswered, a document left unread, or a task left undone that I had planned for this week...and I still have tomorrow at work), during the evening I can distract myself with the internet or reading or playing with Kaylinn, but when it's time to go to bed...well distractions have to end. Monday night I had bad dreams, Tuesday night I couldn't fall asleep, Wednesday night I cried, tonight...well we will see. I could sleep all the time last week - in fact I logged mass sleeping hours, I took 2 hour naps every evening and THEN slept through the night. This week, I'm not tired all night, but in the morning I'm exhausted and don't want to get out of bed.

The other big difference I noticed was while last week I thought about heaven, this week I'm more focused on earth. What we will miss with her, what she would have said to this, what she would have thought of that. It's not that I don't think of heaven, but it's a conscience effort to focus on where she is, and not on where she is not. I have found comfort in Scripture like never before though, so that is an aspect of color in the otherwise gray canvas of life these days. It's now a matter of renewing my mind daily, not letting myself focus on the bad, but instead keeping it on the good, focusing on the promises that if I believe are true in the good times are true in the bad. That is one thing I've come to contemplate often. If I don't believe God is good when things are bad, do I really believe he's good when things are good, or am I just riding a wave of emotion? I know my experiences of God have been real, so by conclusion I was not riding a wave of emotion, and as a result I will not allow myself to ride one now. That is a very scientific way to look at it, but it's where I've come to this week. Next week may be less logical, we shall see.

When I turned the calendar page to September on the calendar my mom got me last Christmas is says this: Our hope in difficult times is not based on positive thinking, wishful thinking or natural optimism. It is a certainty based on the truths that God is in complete control of our universe and He loves us. (Purpose Driven Life) And so, if I believe that my faith and hope can rest in Him alone (1 Peter 1:21) and if I believe that there is faithful love with the Lord (Psalm 130:7) and if I believe that all things work together for the good of those who love the Lord (Romans 8:28), then I can believe God is in control and He loves me. And if I believe that then I have hope.

I wait for the Lord; I wait, and put my hope in His word (Psalm 130:5). My short term hope is that insomnia goes away. Insomnia will, however, be useful for scrapbooking with Brandy this weekend :)