Simply remember

...I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad...


When I am in the need for a few I can simply remember some of my favorite things of Christmas Eve 2011...coffee with devotions, icing chocolate roll cookies and eating half of them, sneaking through the aisles of Walmart, little faces staring at the candles at service, singing carols while finding lights for the first time in charleston...in essence having a beautiful day to just enjoy Christmas.







Merry Christmas!

Belated Thankfulness

A few days ago in a devotional I am reading the author asked 'What opportunities have you been given recently to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God?'  As I thought about the question I realized I had a huge situation to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God but was so busy I never even mentioned it...which is generally the way God's goodness and faithfulness gets missed by the way.  So here it is...I just finished my first semester of a PhD program and although I had only one mortgage payment of savings going into it and no paycheck, my bills have been paid, I am not in credit card debt and I never once begged for food or gas.

Even just typing it, I can tell it's tough to explain just how amazing this really is.  As of August 10th I had no job, school started in 15 days, I had a prospect of a job but the process of actually getting it was going to take a while, and financial aid hadn't arrived yet.  When it did arrive it would have paid my tuition and given me about $500 to support myself for 4 months.  First I got an e-mail from my program director that I had been given a scholarship to help cover my tuition for the first 2 semesters.  That allowed financial aid to actually go to living expenses.  But the job situation still didn't move faster.  I was offered a contracting position to help write a strategic plan which would provide a few hours of work each week.  But even adding that to my work at church I wasn't going to be brining in enough to pay the mortgage each month.  Then it gets good.  I won my very first poster presentation at a medical conference which gave me a cash reward.  A friend asked me to give a presentation to one of her classes and had money from the school to pay me.  Three random refunds that I had been waiting on came through right when bills were due.  I found out that the little bit of money I had put in a Roth IRA 5 years ago could be used for school expenses.  Brandy moved in which meant that once she started getting paychecks we would be splitting expenses.  And then last week I won a random drawing at school and got a Visa card.  I mean honestly, that is random people.

So, perhaps this is not the funniest or most engaging story ever, but it is life, and it's proof positive that God knows what's happening whether it seems like it or not.  One of the things that is most amazing is rather than God just providing a big lump of money that made it so I didn't have to worry about it again, He just made money come in when it needed to be there.  My bank account balance spent most of the past 4 months in the 10s, sometimes in the 100s, but it never went negative.  $100 here, $50 there just in time to pay what needed to be paid.  I don't think I would have realized how amazing or been aware God was watching over me if He had just made a lump of money available.  And so, rather than ignoring it or saying a cursory thank you and moving on, I decided to give a verbal (well written) testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness.  I hope it encourages someone to trust that God's got your back even if you don't see how He can possibly pull it off.  Believe me, when I add up the numbers it still doesn't make sense, but it's December, my bills are paid, I have money to buy food and fill up my car with gas and I'm starting my new job on Monday just in time to get a paycheck to pay the mortgage next month.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good and his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1)

An Eskimo Hallelujah Chorus

If you want to see something amazingly cool, click HERE
You will not be disappointed!

Alive Again

I found this poem today:

God hath not promised skies always blue. 

Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through. 

God hath not promised sun without rain, 

Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day, 

Rest for the laborer, light on the way; 

Grace for the trial, help from above, 

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

In case you didn't notice, it's December.  The second Thanksgiving without my mom was in some ways harder than the first.  Last year felt sad, this year felt empty.  We were all there.  We all had fun.  We all enjoyed each other.  But something was missing.  I think Christmas this year may be similar.  So, I'm prepping myself by reminding myself of what God has already done in my life since August 19, 2010.  If He can do all that he has done in a little over a year than certainly he can get me through the second Christmas without my mom.  As Matt Maher sings in Alive Again - I can see the light before I see the sunrise...The sun rise is coming at some point, right now I'm going to celebrate strength for the day and the light that is slowly chasing away the darkness.

The Journal Stacks

Today I was searching for articles for 3 projects I need to do in the next few weeks.  It's very handy if you search from on campus because the websites with journal access will automatically recognize you and allow you to download the papers as a PDF.  Occasionally you will find a paper that is in some random journal that the library doesn't have and that doesn't have online access and you need to request an interlibrary loan, which generally means I'll find a new paper, because I'm lazy like that.  But, for one topic I was looking at there really weren't all that many interesting papers and I have to read WAY too many journal articles to read non-interesting ones on purpose.  So, I went ahead and clicked the 'Find it at MUSC' link...which I found out was in actuality for this one how to find it in the physical bound journals on the shelves upstairs.  WHAT?  You want me to get up from the computer and FIND this thing!?  What century is this!?  But I felt like a bum if the only reason I didn't read an article was because I had to do some legwork.  So, up I went, with my copy card loaded with money that was given to us at the beginning of the semester (when I was SURE I would never need it).  I arrived in the journal region and stopped dead in my tracks as I saw something along these lines...

I'm pretty sure it's been a solid decade since I needed to find something in the midst of THAT.  I informed my brain that 'I really can do this, get yourself to finding the Journal of the National Medical Association Volume 101'.  To make a long story short, here I sit reading my article on exploring socioeconomic variations in diabetes control strategies, none the worse for wear but certainly distressed by how difficult I made that process out to be.  As Jen said when I told her 'what has technology done to us?'

Happiness is...

For whatever reason MUSC doesn't give their students a fall break. So I decided this past weekend that I would give myself one. Wait, didn't you need to study for a statistics test and write a presentation and review an article and organize your speaking points for a symposium? Why yes I did, but when fall finally hits Charleston it is tough to resist it!

And so, Friday night I changed my summer clothes out for my winter clothes, Saturday Brandy, Brittany, Jen and I went to Jen's lakehouse and sat and talked and then came back and made s'mores, and then Sunday after church Allison, Angela, Jen, Sarah, Brandy and I celebrated 'all things pumpkin' or Iron Chef Pumpkin as it were. A four course pumpkin meal all prepared by Brandy...we are talking homemade pumpkin ravioli here people, this was no child's play!
To finish the fall break off Jen, Alli and I shared pumpkin cheesecake and decaf coffee before heading to bed to start our crazy week.

It was truly glorious...but now back to logistic regression...

Some Moments

There is nothing like reality to make your self proclaimed 'doing fine' attitude about grief come tumbling down. It's usually random, rarely expected, and almost always shockingly painful. And you really were doing fine up until that moment.

Grief is an interesting process. I really haven't contemplated the process itself in a while. I did often at first but then I think the actual act of going through it took over and took all my energy. Now that the immediacy of the sting is gone, the process itself is more obvious again.

At some point someone said 'you will never get over it, but you will get through it'. I am through some of the worst of it but I can tell it never goes away. There is no easy way to learn how to live without someone that you miss so much. And so some moments I find myself caught off guard by how real that pain can still be.

Back towards the beginning of this whole process I remember realizing that I was the little girl being dropped off at the nursery and having no concept of time, being heartbroken because I just wanted my mom back. I have no concept of God's timing when I will get my mom back and for lack of a better adjective it's stinks. I may at this point be the little girl that has finally stopped crying and started playing again, but every once and a while I look over at the door and wonder why she couldn't have just stayed and played with me. God knows why...and I have to keep learning to rest in that fact...

What a year can do

It is interesting what a year will bring.  The other day I was thinking about how utterly different my life this year is than it was last year.  I had just gone through what will be one of the worst losses of my life, I was working full time at a job I loved, I had no real plans other than a vague idea that maybe I would go back to school at some point, I was technically still married, my sister lived four hours away, my best friends were just trying to get me through the day let alone expect anything helpful out of me, and I didn't really have any ability to see out of the deep dark hole life had thrown me in.

This morning, Brandy and I got up, I made coffee while she straightened her hair for her orientation in the Charleston County school district (for those that haven't heard yet, she's in Charleston for the next year).  I fed the dogs and packed my backpack, and we drove downtown where I've been sitting in the library writing a bible study for tonight and studying logistic regression and disability for the past three hours.  I thought of something funny and texted it to the girls to make them laugh.  I heard the song Amazing Grace and smiled rather than cried.  Sometimes I get a little melancholy thinking of not being able to tell my mom about how crazy it is that life is so different, but the fact that the melancholy feeling doesn't send me into a crying spiral of disaster is itself a testament of what a year can do.  In one year, and probably the worst year of my life to be quite honest, God gave me a new purpose, a new hope, a new future, a new love of Him and a new life.  So, for those in the pit I just crawled out of, hang tight, call on God and He will meet you there to help you climb out...I promise.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

About three years ago I bought a ring that happens to fit on my left hand ring finger, and so that is where I wear it.  It also happens to look like a wedding band because it's just a plain silver band with one word inscribed on it.  That word is HOPE.  I did not buy it because I hope to be married again.  I bought it because God was speaking very clearly to me about needing to keep hope alive and I wanted something to remind me of what He was saying.  Since then quite a bit has happened that would damper one's hope, so I hold tightly to the fact that before any of it ever began He started prepping me.

About one year ago, actually now that I look at the calendar, one year ago yesterday we held my mom's funeral.  I am actually really glad that we waited a month to hold her funeral.  I have a lot of memories that I don't think I would have if it had been three days later - I was still in shock three days later...which I guess is the point of holding the funeral then.  But, our brains don't work that way, we like to process things, and so we delayed it until September 18th.  And because we did, Brandy and I could write an amazing eulogy for our amazing mother, and after much prayer deliver it with only a few quivers in our voices.  The next day we sat in my parent's livingroom with the funeral done, the posters of pictures filling the room, the vases of flowers filling the kitchen, and our hearts and minds totally overwhelmed with grief.  It was also the one year mark of her death, and I remember us all laying on the various chairs, not talking, very literally not wanting to do anything ever again.

About 20 minutes ago I was sitting here calmly starting my day while listening to music and reading Romans and the one song that can send me into a blubbering, slobbering, crying mess started playing on the iPod...I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin.  Well, to be honest, there are a few that can do that, but most of them I can make it through the first stanza before I start crying.  I know the song is I Will Rise literally by the third cord, and am generally crying by the forth.  When we were in the hospital with my mom, this song struck a cord with my Dad, my Aunt Dona, Brandy and I all at separate times in different places and was one of the two songs my Dad wanted sung at the funeral.  This all being unknown to her, my Aunt Barb e-mailed me and asked if she could sing a song at the funeral and suggested that one.  And so, you can start to see how just the first few cords can send my brain elsewhere.  I had myself a good cry, dried my eyes and decided to write down the hope that I have because clearly hope is a rather important word in this season in my life.  So here it is...

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God.  Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:2-5)

How amazing is God that three years ago, He knew that today and everything that happened between then and now would happen and I would need that verse to remind me that these light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.  So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.  For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18).   I will now listen to How Great Is Our God and rejoice that my sufferings will produce perseverance, and my perseverance will produce character, and my character will produce hope.  And my hope will not disappoint because God has given me His love and His Spirit to rise on eagles wings.

Beautiful Quote

All life is interrelated, somehow we're caught in an inescapable network of mutuality tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason, I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.  - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.


I heard this quote last week.  Beyond the fact that I find Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to be insanely inspirational in his own right, this seems to capture the reasoning behind throwing your life into helping others.  However lost and mis-aligned this country may have become since it first embarked on its course, the idea that there are inalienable rights is one that I have always felt needs to be remembered.  The thing is, those living outside our country have the same inalienable rights, and so we really are never far removed from the rest of the world.  It is, when you get right down to it, the reason that I feel so strongly about international missions and would love to do international adoption.  And it is the reason that global health and health disparities are two of the top three topics that led me to and will focus me as I go through this degree.  So, in case you were wondering why I changed course mid-career, there it is.  I am caught in the "interrelated structure of reality" and I plan to do something about it.

The Tale of the Washer and the Cat

I love the book A Tale of Two Cities.  It's been nearly 20 years since I've read it, but I can still remember doing the little character map thing that our teacher made to help us determine how each of the characters and sub-stories in the book intersect.  I literally remember nothing of the story except for the fact that I loved it.  The reason I loved it was very simple - I adore attempting to figure out how things connect and realize that certain things only happened because other things happened, which only happened because another thing happened...and so forth.  It's why I was obsessed with LOST, attempting to figure out how everyone was linked and where the stories overlapped was half the purpose of the show (well for me anyway, some may disagree).

But, why do I start this post with that random fact about myself?  Because today we had a bit of a Tale of Two Cities moment at the condo.  We shall instead call it the Tale of the Washer and the Cat, and we shall begin with right now.  I am presently washing almost every towel I own because they were all used to sop up dirty bleach water that came out of my washer as Scott attempted to get to the pump.  These towels were very handy for the grabbing because just a week ago Nikole overflowed my toilet to the point that I had to use every towel I own to sop up the amount of water on my bathroom floor, quickly washing them and drying them, after which I threw in my sheets to wash before Nik and I headed out to grab a few things as Costco.  When we returned the dryer had finished, the dishwasher had finished, but for some reason the washer was still running.  This was odd since we'd been gone for about 2 hours.  So I walked into the laundry room and noticed that the washer was on the cottons cycle...problem being I had run the permanent press cycle, which was 2 cycles before the cottons cycle...  So, I opened the lid to see what was happening and the washer stopped agitating...never to agitate again (unfortunately).  It only made this odd clicking sound from there on out.

Being that I have absolutely no idea what to do with a broken washer that is full of water and my sheets I obviously texted Scott because well he knows how to fix random stuff, so why not a washer?  And, Scott has the same theory on fixing things as my dad does...if it's broken you may as well take it apart to see if you can fix it because the worst thing that can happen is you can't get it back together to work again when it never was in the first place.  So, Scott came over the next day - granted, he didn't know how to fix a washer but he was a good sport about attempting - and determined that the timer was bad.  Two days after I went to the parts store only to find out that they wanted $125 for the timer - OUTRAGEOUS - so I promptly found one on Ebay and we waited for it to arrive.

About 2 days later I realize that the house is smelling weird, noticed that the smell is coming from the washer which has been sitting full of dirty water and sheets for about 5 days, so I find myself some bleach (thankfully my sheets are white) and pour it in there to deal with the bacteria and smell.  Happy days, it works.  2 days later the timer comes in the mail and the day after Scott comes to install it...only to find out that now it will agitate but still won't spin or drain.  Well, a half fixed washer is not really all that helpful as it turns out, so Scott heads home to do some research and I head to the vet with the cat which as it turns out has her second urinary tract infection of the month and needs more antibiotics.  The reason I know this is because she is peeing everywhere, which is very unfortunate when you can't wash anything she pees on because your washer is broken.

The cat gets her meds, Scott finds out how to tear the washer apart further, and so today begins.  In case you are wondering, this is what a washer looks like on the inside...

When we get inside the washer we find it full of green stuffing, which just so happens to be the stuffing from Kaylinn's dog bed, which I had to wash 3 weeks ago when I realized Mishu had a urinary tract infection the first time.  I threw the bed into the wash, but it broke all apart and I had to throw it out anyway.  Apparently there was mass quantities of stuffing that got sucked into the washer body (how it got there I have no idea!) in all this.  So, we pulled out as much as we could, then we vacuumed out the rest and then were ready to check the pump, which was what Scott determined was definitely an issue since it wasn't draining the water and he had checked all the wires to determine it wasn't an electrical problem. (by the way, I apparently take after my mom and as my dad used to tell her 'use the term we very loosely' - I really did none of this, Scott did all of it, and I am flippantly referring to the effort as we...now that that is cleared up I will continue doing so)

Here is the problem with getting to the pump - it pumps the water out of the washer....which means, if there is water in the washer you need to get it out to take the pump off.  And so, we siphoned as much as we could, then Scott loosened up something in there to try to get it to drain into the tube to go into the big plastic bin we were using to capture water, and to make a long story short after a whole lot of water shooting all over the place and very rapidly filling the laundry room floor, we had many bleach water soaked towels, a bin full of bleachy water, and an empty washer.

Scott then figured out how to get the pump off, took it apart and found this...

That is right - stuffing from the bed. Apparently it had clogged up the pump.  At this point I went to Sonic to get a cherry coke because somehow that makes things seem better, while Scott opened up the pump, dried it out, put it all back together, hooked it back up to the washer, hooked everything else in the washer up, turned it on and VOILA - it worked!  (I did get him a Dr. Pepper and a corn dog, I'm not that much of a jerk...don't lie I know you were picturing me drinking my cherry coke while Scott fixed the washer)

So, why do I call this the Tale of the Washer and the Cat?  Because do you know why all of this happened?  Mishu.  Who you will notice is on the porch because I can't deal with her peeing all over my house and she needs some more doses of antibiotics in her until she will stop.

All of this happened because Mishu got a UTI.  She peed on the bed, the bed needed to be washed, I washed the bed, the stuffing came out and got stuck all in random places in the washer, after multiple cycles the random places started congregating into the pump, which blocked up, shorting out the timer, the timer freaked out and kept cycling because it couldn't drain because the pump was out, until I opened up the lid at which point it totally stopped working and I had a washer full of water and sheets.  And so, this month having a pet is not priceless, it has a very large price tag on it involving new cat food for urinary health, two trips to the vet for meds, a timer for the washer, and a WHOLE lot of hours for Scott attempting to figure out the problem.  Let's just say Mishu is still on the porch because I think that's the safest place for her as I do my bills.

As a footnote, Scott also fixed my vacuum while he was here which was not actually picking up any hair, somewhat of a problem when the point of a vacuum in a house with a cat and a dog is to pick up hair.  And you wonder why I said that Scott gets the 'Friend of the Month' award?  Heck, after today he gets the 'Friend of the Year' award.  And he made me promise to write the disclaimer that no, he is not interested in more random appliance fixing jobs :)

Hysterical

To entertain ourselves on days we are feeling overwhelmed by life and wishing we were back in the glorious wilds of Maine, Allison, Angela, Jen and I have been entertaining ourselves by sending random 'picture of the day' from our stash off Maine pics. While I realize I have yet to post any of them I had to post the one Alli sent us yesterday which has me wanting to roll around laughing.

Allison and I were sitting in our seats sadly leaving Maine when we hear Jen and Angela laughing hysterically behind us. We turn around to see what is so funny and Angela says 'look at us, we look ridiculous!' as we see this...



It's true, they so look ridiculous :)

Life is Good...hopefully

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what procrastination looks like.  I have so many things to do my to do list is actually laughing at me - no really, if it had a voice it would be laughing at me.  And yet while Brittany, Jen and I were putting together our tables for a poster presentation next week we started talking about Panama and made Jen and I think of Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...which is a pretty awesome story that we feel as though all the loyal blog readers should hear.

So this...is me and Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...

You may be able to see the little Life is Good man looking happy about life, much as I am looking happy about life last year in Panama.  Yes, I said last year.  That was 2010 (in case you were wondering at this moment there are sharp shooters behind us laying on the beach to ensure the rebels didn't just set up a distraction boat that the majority of our soldiers just went off to take care of...just saying, you don't forget where you are sometimes...perhaps this explains my face a little bit more).

But back to the Nalgene.  So, as you can imagine, hydration is rather important on the islands.  And as you can also imagine, drinking the water there is not an option.  So we get big bottles of water and take water bottles to fill up and drink throughout the day.  Drinking water is not a joke when you are sweating every moment of the day and night.  Under the tarp on this truck is 350...yes 350 gallons of water that we took with us this year.

In 2010 I took Mr. Life is Good Nalgene.  It just so happens that he is a rather well travelled Nalgene bottle.  My dad got him for me for our second trip to Mt. Rainier, so he happens to be traveling in my backpack in this picture.  Yes, that is me, and yes, it's that steep.  

But I digress.  In 2011 I decided to switch it up and chose to take my red no BPA Nalgene who has kinda missed all the action because he is pretty new.  Jen didn't have a Nalgene and asked to borrow one, so I gave her the veteran Mr. Life is Good.  As you can see he was very excited, helping with medicine...

...checking out the best Kuna shower ever (I'm not joking people it was spectacular, those faces don't lie!)...

...at meals, at prayer, at service, at clinic, in the rooms, in the silah hut...if Jen was there, Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was with her.  You actually feel like you are missing something once you get back to civilization and don't have a water bottle attached to you at all times.

Enter the ride from hell.  I am not kidding you, it is difficult to explain how bad it was to people that were not there to experience the horror.  The short version is that it involved a driver that didn't know how to drive a 4 wheel drive car and yet had been hired to do just that, attempting to get us up a mountain and instead us drifting back down the steep, winding mountain road into oncoming traffic coming up the steep winding mountain road, our translator screaming to him what gear to get into, him nearly running us off the edge of the cliff before coming to a stop, someone THANKFULLY taking over and getting us up the mountain, and then said horrible driver deciding it was appropriate to go down the mountain at about 80 miles an hour in a crazy rain storm that didn't stop until we got to our hotel 3 and a half hours later.  Tragic is an understatement.  At one point I actually prayed 'God, if I am supposed to die on this mountain, I'm ok with it, just please don't make it hurt.'  Like I said, tragic.

All of that to say, we obviously had our water bottles with us, and our water bottles obviously were the least of our concerns when we were trying to escape the car ride from hades thanking God we had been spared.  And so...about 2 hours later Jen realized much to our sadness that Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was inadvertently left in the back of the car.  We can see him rolling back and forth in the back of the truck, with horrible driver man oblivious to the whole thing.  In that case life is NOT good for Mr. Life is Good Nalgene.

We can also see him making some Kuna person very happy when they find him and perhaps he is living on an island somewhere in the Kuna Islands.

Or perhaps he has been picked up and lives in some unknown place in the world.  Oh Mr. Life is Good man...thank you for your many days of hydration service...may you find many more.

Controlled Panic

So...we are 2 weeks in...my short version of how I am feeling about it is - controlled panic. It's intense that is for sure, but very awesome when you sit in a class as they are explaining what you are going to be trained to do with your degree and you think 'this is EXACTLY what I want to do and I never knew it existed!'. I am still working on figuring out how to regain my balance and find some kind of equilibrium in life. My advisor told me yesterday it usually takes a year and a half to get some traction...yikes...that is a lot of time to control panic :) The helpful aspect about that is the stress I'm feeling because I think I should have gotten control of myself already can go away :)

So, this morning I was listening to the Switchfoot CD and heard this song and something about it was exactly what I'm feeling. The idea of going back to school for a PhD in a field I've never taken so much as an undergrad class in, no longer being at the job that is my comfort zone with my comfort zone people, my schedule being all whacked out and every day being different, class times and schedules and assignments changing randomly and suddenly, and the idea of what is ahead...and yet, God has told me that He will be with me, that He will never leave or forsake me, that He will see me through and that the battle is not mine. I can stand and see the deliverance of the Lord, I can say that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, and that though trials may come, He has overcome the world! Panic is my hurricane...but it's not taking me out!

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

Not a doubt in my mind anymore

There's a storm up ahead

I'm a fighter fighting for control

I'm a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

Hello hurricane, you're not enough

Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane

A few things...

...that I love. That Southwest has a straight through flight to Baltimore. That there is an app to let me blog from the airport. That there is an app to let me make lists of things to do...and organize them! That I parked in residential parking for four hours after things didn't go as planned and I didn't get a ticket. That SAS after much battle is loaded on my computer. That I figured out libname command in said SAS program...believe me this is no easy feat. That I have a mentor and classmates that are enormously supportive. That I get to see my dad, sister, grandparents, and aunt in a few hours. That I get to have a fried chicken party with my wonderful friends when I get back.

While there were a few moments of utter frustration this week, the longer I type the more things I find to love :)

A Tad Busy

And so school has begun...I don't even want to begin to discuss my to do list - suffice to say I had to download an app on my phone so that I can organize everything and sort them by due date or category or priority...oh, my...

Spectacular

Jen, Allison, and I. A chocolate torte, a strawberry tart, and an oreo cheesecake. Three coffees, outdoor seating, and live music. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful moment.

The Final First

Last month one of the women at my church who lost her husband 2 weeks before my mom died gave me a hug and said 'I'll be praying for you, I'm all done my firsts, you have one big one to go'. The final first is here. The first August 19th.

One year ago at 8:15am I buried my head on my mom's leg as the heart monitor went flat. I didn't pick my head back up until I knew the screen was turned off because I didn't want that flat line to be what I remembered. Instead I remember knowing that she was gone - it's amazing actually how you know - her face looked different, the room seemed different, I felt different. I remember seeing my Aunt Dona cry for the first time because she had promised my mom to be strong and make the right decisions and now they had all been made. I remember my mom's best friend's face when she walked in the room 2 minutes later. I remember laying on the floor because I still didn't want to leave her even though she wasn't there. I remember kissing her cheek and then standing in the hall with Brandy so my dad could be alone. I remember driving home with my dad so he didn't have to be alone. I remember hearing my dad say for the first time on the phone 'Sue died today'. I remember picking out the clothes for her to wear at the viewing. There are so many things I remember, and I'm glad a flat line is not one of them.

And so, this morning I woke up at 5:30, made myself some of my mom's tea. It was scripture tea and on the tag it had Isaiah 40:31, which just happens to be one of the verses I read at my mom's service. I took the teacup she gave me, my bible, some tissues, my iPod, and a chair and went to the beach. I sat at the spot that we scattered her ashes in the ocean and watched the sunrise. I listened to music, I danced in the waves, I cried and I read Isaiah 40. And then I went home to start my day, because if I have learned nothing in this past year I have learned that life does in fact go on. It's both a comfort and a stab in the heart. Life goes on and you have to learn how to go on with it. So at 8:15 I was getting ready for a 9:00 meeting with my dissertation advisor. Instead of calling her I was putting on the bracelet that has some of her ashes in it. Instead of hearing her laugh, I called my sister and we both laughed as she said 'well, one year down'. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I woke up early, watched the sunrise and then filled my day. My mom would have expected nothing less.

Faithful

Last year on August 18th I slept on a hospital floor and the next morning sat beside my mom while she took her last breath. With Steven Curtis Chapman I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused, but I know God is faithful...

"I will proclaim it to the world.

I will declare it to my heart.

And sing it when the sun is shining.

I will scream it in the dark."

Downloads File

I'm clearing out 'My Documents' folder and organizing contact e-mails today...sigh. But, these two pictures were in my downloads folder and they make me smile...so in case they make you smile, we can share a moment of happiness together :)

Brandy and I sure were cute, huh?














Maia and I in the best office I will likely ever have :) Not saying I won't have good jobs, just saying an office with a huge window overlooking the harbor and one of your best friends right downstairs is hard to come by

Whatever is

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

It is generally a good idea to listen to St. Paul...and the Word of God :) And so, I shall think about such things...

- I have absolutely incredible friends that come to my emotional rescue each and every time I need it

- I have an absolutely amazing family that supports each other and encourages one another even through their own pain

- I am going to Maine tomorrow with said wonderful friends where there is NOT 8000% humidity...yes I recognize that you can't have 8000% humidity...that doesn't make it stop feeling that high

- I am going to be eating my weight in lobster over the next few days with said friends on said trip to Maine

- I had the blessing of my very first job being with such wonderful people that I hate to leave...I have realized over the years that working with amazing people is not a given

- I got a scholarship I didn't apply for and a job I didn't know existed all because I waited and prayed and God is awesome

- I have a sweet little pup who will cuddle with me every time I lay on my bed to cry, or just to read

- I have a God who tells me what will help me feel better and when I do it...I feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but making yourself list the good things sure does help your perspective.

It's August

I am finding talking exhausting today. Really interacting with people as a whole has been exhausting. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I think the roller coaster that is my life at present is just going a little too fast - I'm cool with the ups and downs (well, let's me honest, I'm not cool with them I just accept them), I just wish they could come a little less frequently.

Let's run through the last few days:

I got a job

I got a scholarship

I sat on 95 for 2 and a half hours in a traffic jam

I visited my grandparents and saw how much chemo has taken a toll on my grandfather

I visited my aunt and she made me laugh as always

I went back to my grandparents and ate chicken corn soup, cookies and mint iced tea

I looked through pictures my grandmother has been organizing and laughed

I laid next to my grandfather while he slept and cried

I said goodbye to my grandmother knowing she was going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the next month and there was nothing I could do to help her

I ate snowballs with my dad, aunt and cousins

I slept in a tent and listened to the rain

I drove back to SC and cried half of the way because last year on Aug 7th I also drove back to SC after thinking my mom was in the clear only to turn around a week later and find myself back at Hopkins

I laid on Angela's floor and talked about our plans for Maine

I went to lunch with my girls and ate shells and cheese

I ignored my desire to run screaming out of the office and instead let Maia help me clear it out

I came home to find out my grandfather was in the ER last night

I sit here wanting to go to sleep because then I won't have to think of all the things I need to do and all the things I can't do anything about

On August 1st I woke up and my very first thought was 'it's August'. It's been a long time since my very first thought was a thought having to do with grief. I've been dreading this month and wanting it to be over all at the same time. But...here it goes regardless, there is nothing I can do to stop time...or speed it up...

Silliness Abounds

So...I decided that I am going to start posting my favorite work pictures, which will hopefully keep me laughing at work rather than crying that I'm going to miss everyone.

Installment 1: the silly pictures...

Maia and I at Botany Bay...I'm pretty sure behind the camera Kim is whining about why we always take pictures together and leave her out :)













Princess Day 2008...In case you were unaware, there is an International Princess Day the first Friday of December. It's pretty much the best random holiday ever to celebrate at work being that you can wear tiaras and eat cupcakes (or tiny brownies as it were). And no I have no idea why I am making that face. Maia says it's because she just told me I wasn't allowed to eat the rest of the brownies myself.













Princess Day 2006...as you can see, we were a little more into it the first time around with tiaras and donuts for the 'princesses' and the 'commoners'. Awesome.















However, Princess Day is not the ONLY time you get to wear a tiara at DNR! You can also wear one on your 30th birthday :)



















The decoration of Julia's door when she went home for wedding dress shopping. Yes, we taped a copied Julia head on everyone of the dresses. We were OUT OF CONTROL for real. I mean, honestly, when is this acceptable to do to a person?



















This is what happens when you get a new installment of DNR hats at work. See Kim, we DO have pictures of you :)















We got to wear the cool DNR hats when we used to have the money and staff to do these cool open house things where the public could come out and see all the different programs we do and get to touch the animals and go on a boat ride...and eat hot dogs. Maia and I were in the food tent. And we made a LOT of hot dogs! Clearly too many that we were this excited about it.













Here we have the first ever ACE Basin sweatshop. Anna and I had to copy and bind 120 copies of these for an event we were putting on. In addition to the fact the speakers didn't get us stuff until too late to be able to do this on a weekday and hence we had to come in on a Saturday, there was also an issue going on with the copier so that every once and a while it just randomly didn't make a copy of one of the pages. You know, just for fun. So we had to count the pages on every single copy. And then to finish off the absurdity of it all the binding machine we were using was DEFINITELY made prior to my birth. Can you tell we are loving life?















Speaking of Anna...unfortunately sometimes once you leave you get uninvited to birthday lunches because place people want to eat is too far away to justify you driving to...hence the Lost Dog for my birthday experience. Tragically we decided it was a good idea to take a picture of Anna, cut her head off and put it over Lauton's head, and thus try to prove to her she did in fact eat at the Lost Dog. Likely it didn't work :)






























As I am about to write this I am realizing that apparently we do a lot of convincing. This is me convincing my cousin Tegan (who was shadowing me for a week) that she really did in fact like eels...it was in fact unsuccessful.
















As I went through pictures, it was also clear that we do a lot of eating. Although, anyone who knows me is not shocked by this since eating is my favorite thing to do :) We have snacks on the way back from days in the field...













lunches at the lovely St. Phillips Tea Room...















and, if there happens to be an abundance of cheese left over from a cheese plate that was ordered for an event, why not invite your co-workers wife and tiny baby to enjoy some fondue? I mean what ELSE do you do with an enormous amount of cheese?
















And then what would DNR be without the Chicken? Why do you think we had a random Anna head on file with which to make a picture of her at a meal she didn't go to? Because we had made the Life Aquatic picture and hence recognized the importance of having head cut outs of your coworkers, of course!















Mr. Chicken didn't just star in movies however, he also did important things like help with the fish tagging event...an no, I have no idea why I'm making that face, best I can tell I was eating something...which...again, not surprising













And, I couldn't decide if this picture was going to be funny to everyone else, but guess what? it's my blog, so I get to decide :) this is Maia and the chicken discussing the very sad fact that I am moving out of the admin building and my office is empty. She and the chicken will also have to comiserate over my exiting the Marshlands House...but the sadness is for another day. Today, please recognize the fact that Maia is sitting in an empty office talking to chicken hand puppet...come on people that has GOT to make it into the silly picture installment :)















stay tuned for future installments...they will likely not be as funny, but they will be enjoyable!

Pull Up, Pull Up!!!

I have 5 days left at DNR. It's somewhat freaking me out and every time I think about it I start to enter emotional panic mode. Hence I'm not thinking about it all too much. But, I did think it is appropriate to share some of the the best comments about life given by co-workers this week:

"You're leaving too! It's probably for the best. Look at those of us who have been here for 35 years - we've got anti-depressants in our drawers and liquor on our desks."

"Generally your e-mails are very organized, but as I was reading that one I was thinking, this is very stream of consciousness, something in her life is spirally totally out of control"

"Pull Up, Pull Up!"

Northward Bound

So, my attempt to post 'moments' on the blog is not going well, I keep forgetting to take a picture of them :) Today I remembered! In 10 days Allison, Jen, Angela and I will be headed to Maine for a glorious 5 days out of the Charleston heat and humidity. Tonight we set up shop on the Barnes and Noble floor to look at maps and guidebooks, decide where we may want to go, laugh about how ridiculous and unrealistic our plans are, determine just how many rich unknown people we need to meet along the way to take us on boats and planes, and then go to Senor Tequila's to finish it off with some chips and salsa. Spectacular moment to say the least.

I Have Decided

His yoke is easy, His burden is light,
I have decided, I'm gonna fix my eyes,
On the Perfecter, the Author of my faith, Jesus Christ

Greater - New Life Worship

School Shopping

Yesterday Brittany, Nikole and I went school shopping...which I haven't done in 8 years...it was pretty hysterical...and quite successful!

Perceptual Adaptation

I am exhausted. This week I attempted to dump my brain onto Word files and e-mails to prep someone else to take over the job I've been doing for the past 6 years. I also ran 5 nights of Vacation Bible School, which in case you haven't worked VBS in the recent past takes quite a large quantity of energy to get things ready, know what is going to go wrong before it goes wrong, fix what goes wrong after it goes wrong, and show no fear, indecision or exhaustion to the kids. And, all the while I suppressed the desire to panic about any of the facts in my life: that in one month I have no idea how I'm going to pay my mortgage, that I'm going back to school in a field that is totally new which takes literally all my brain power to focus and absorb the information, that the one year anniversary of my mom's death is looming on the horizon, that I'm going home next weekend to visit my grandfather for what possibly could be the last time...the list of reasons to panic could go on but I'm too tired to keep typing.

In short my life is upside down. Actually, no, it feels worse than that. In college psychology class I remember learning about a study where they had people wear glasses that made the world upside down and after 4 or 5 days their brains actually inverted everything so that they were seeing right side up again. When they took the glasses off, they were seeing everything upside down, and had to wait for their brains to invert everything again. It's called perceptual adaptation. I more or less feel like for the past two years I have had to take those glasses on and off about 20 times and my brain is feeling ready to give up on telling me which way is up.

In case you were wondering, it's a rather intense thing to feel, and not all together enjoyable. But...it's where am...I am in the land of continuous perceptual adaptation. Here is the thing though. The first few times I had the glasses put on or had them taken away I more or less freaked out. I was out of control of my life, I had no idea what was going to happen and I had no clue what to do about it. For me, that is a reason to freak out. The longer this goes on, however, and the closer the flipping back and forth happens the less thrown off I seem to be. Really, the past two weeks has seen some pretty major changes (so much so that half of you reading this don't even know I'm not going to be working in two weeks...yeah, I really don't feel like going into it) and yet, I'm shocked at how minorly phased I am all things considered. I have finally reached the point where I'm totally fine with waiting on God to tell me where to go next and I totally trust that He is going to. Being able to honestly say that is all by itself a sign of how far God's brought me. It's one thing to say you trust God...it's another to actually do it.

So remember how I wrote a number of posts about how much I hated the question 'how are you' after my mom died? The new question on my hatred list is 'so what is your plan'? Most people really don't believe you when you say you don't know, and you're ok because you know that you will when you need to. But guess what? I don't know. And I know that I will when I need to. My life is upside down, but it will flip back up at some point. Until then I will sleep with the ceiling as the floor.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:12-13