It's August

I am finding talking exhausting today. Really interacting with people as a whole has been exhausting. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I think the roller coaster that is my life at present is just going a little too fast - I'm cool with the ups and downs (well, let's me honest, I'm not cool with them I just accept them), I just wish they could come a little less frequently.

Let's run through the last few days:

I got a job

I got a scholarship

I sat on 95 for 2 and a half hours in a traffic jam

I visited my grandparents and saw how much chemo has taken a toll on my grandfather

I visited my aunt and she made me laugh as always

I went back to my grandparents and ate chicken corn soup, cookies and mint iced tea

I looked through pictures my grandmother has been organizing and laughed

I laid next to my grandfather while he slept and cried

I said goodbye to my grandmother knowing she was going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the next month and there was nothing I could do to help her

I ate snowballs with my dad, aunt and cousins

I slept in a tent and listened to the rain

I drove back to SC and cried half of the way because last year on Aug 7th I also drove back to SC after thinking my mom was in the clear only to turn around a week later and find myself back at Hopkins

I laid on Angela's floor and talked about our plans for Maine

I went to lunch with my girls and ate shells and cheese

I ignored my desire to run screaming out of the office and instead let Maia help me clear it out

I came home to find out my grandfather was in the ER last night

I sit here wanting to go to sleep because then I won't have to think of all the things I need to do and all the things I can't do anything about

On August 1st I woke up and my very first thought was 'it's August'. It's been a long time since my very first thought was a thought having to do with grief. I've been dreading this month and wanting it to be over all at the same time. But...here it goes regardless, there is nothing I can do to stop time...or speed it up...