Decisions

It's hard making decisions for another person. Yesterday we turned down a last ditch effort dialysis because if there is one thing my mom is not for it is last ditch efforts that prolong your living but not your life. Weighing the pros and cons of each thing, the risks if things go wrong and possible rewards if everything goes right, and what she would have decided if she could make the decision herself if something I've never had to experience first hand. I'm thankful that my mom was the kind of person who spoke her mind and wasn't afraid to talk about or have an opinion on hard things. I'm thankful that she has a sister and a husband who are willing to make the decisions she would want, not the ones they want just so she can maybe possibly stay with us one day longer. Without that, I don't know how we would make the decisions for her. So today, regardless of the fact we didn't do the last ditch effort she is still here. Sleeping. Hopefully not in pain. Hopefully dreaming of beautiful and wonderful moments from her life. We keep talking to her so she knows we are with her, letting her know it's ok to let go if she wants to but we will be by her side if she wants to keep fighting. We are forcing ourselves to take breaks from the hospital and eat in case she chooses to fight. And everytime I leavethe room, I kiss her goodbye and tell her I love her and that I will miss her, but it's ok because she raised me to be strong and I will see her again even if it's not here on earth. I sure will miss her if it's not.