Today was day three of a headache (and yes I took pills - why do people always ask me that? like I'm walking around for three days with a headache and just didn't think about taking pills?). Today I also came to some pretty incredible realizations about God...and me...and life. All in all, I would actually put it in the good day category.
Yesterday on the other hand...that probably would lean more towards the bad day category. Yesterday started out well and good. It ended, however, with me having a spiritual temper tantrum. And well, spiritual temper tantrums are no prettier than physical ones. Especially if rather than it being witnessed by only you and God, you happen to be caught on the phone with someone, who becomes very concerned about your mental health and shows up at your door an hour later. Ashley and I proceeded to eat chocolate chip cookie dough and watch Dancing with the Stars, which made the day end closer to how it started...if ignoring that minor detail about the temper tantrum.
Today was my bible study. And being the bible study leader I have to write a lesson. Obviously last night was no time for me to be writing a lesson so this morning I sat down for some serious one-on-one time with God. And let me say, it was seriously needed. After all my reading and praying and searching for meanings of different words and verses, I taught a lesson that was as much a lesson for myself as it was for my bible study group. And it was all about God's timing.
Yesterday my Aunt Barb wrote a poem for Brandy and I called 'Three Years of Grief' that I read today:
It's a mountain
you climb
literally one step
at a time
an effort
just to keep
on breathing
enough
to make you wonder
why
am I here?
there is the moment
when the top
just does not seem
worth it
give up
go on
give up
go on
does it even matter
which one?
no matter what
I choose
I am still here
Yesterday I was there. When I read the poem this morning I sat staring at it in shock that my thoughts were there on the computer screen. I'm not even going to write all the things I have been thinking surrounding that, but suffice to say I've been less than inspirational. My Aunt's poem is a much better description of last week. And so today, I asked God to show me why I should choose to go on when no matter what I choose I'm still here. And today he answered. I figured I would share it with all my dedicated blog readers as you all deserve a positive post after all my sad ones :)
Today I learned this...
God has a specific time for everything that happens. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And in fact verse 4 says A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. While I may feel like I'm always going to feel like I do now, I'm not. The problem is my understanding of timing is clouded and the burdens of life 'lay heavy upon me' (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6) making it hard for me to see God's way and timing right now. David, as much as anyone else in the Bible, had the right to question God's timing (seriously read his life story some time, it makes my struggles look wimpy), and yet David could say I will trust in You, O Lord; I say "You are my God. My times are in Your hands." So, why can't I say that? The question becomes, do I really trust God? If I do then I can say it and believe it.
Enter the book 'Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God'. I read chapter two today, and guess what it talked about? Trusting God. The author Henry Blackaby says 'You will not trust Him if you do not love Him. And you will not love Him unless you know Him. ' And suddenly my question becomes do I love God? If I do then I should be able to trust Him.
I think it's easy to know that God loves you when life is good. But when life is bad, it's a lot harder to see. The problem is, what I realized today was that is a problem with my perspective, not a problem with God's love. Henry Blackaby used a very simple example of when his children couldn't get their own way, they would accusingly say 'You don't love me'. "But was that true? No, of course not. At that moment, however, my love was expressing itself differently than he wanted it to. My actions might sometimes have been confusing to my children, but my love for them was constant and unchanging." My confidence that God does in fact love me is a critical part of my trust (and faith) in Him. I am angry with his decision and saying to him 'You don't love me'. But His love for me never stopped, I'm just not understanding his actions.
1 John 4:16 doesn't say God loves, it says God IS love. God's very nature is love. So, the question is, do I believe it? Can I really believe that a God who sent His son to die in my place just so I could spend eternity with Him doesn't love me? Can the creator of the universe not love me if he left a little human in Charleston throw a temper tantrum and quietly and faithfully sat beside me until I was done and then said 'You will make it through this?' As much as I didn't want to admit it I very much knew He was listening to me.
So why would He let all this happen if He loves me? 'God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. (Acts 17:26-27). And in the end, isn't that what I did? I realized that yesterday and the past week, really has not been as much grief as it has been a crisis of faith. So, if I believe that God does love me, that while I can't understand what is happening I believe that God does and will work all things together for my good, then I can trust Him and His timing. And if I trust God and his timing, I can say with David 'You are my God. My times are in Your hands'.
When I started writing the lesson God had given me one statement which is found in two places in the Bible. 'Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees' (found in Isaiah 35:3-4 and Hebrews 12:11-12). As I researched what that line meant I realized Isaiah used the hands and knees to represent where our strength lies. When we are tired we can barely lift our hands, and standing is difficult because our knees get weak when there are many burdens on us. This simple line is a call to shake off my weariness and fear and push on. It's a call to stand strong, to take courage, and to keep my ground against the enemy. The one commentator said 'We will infallibly conquer if we persevere' (Clarke). Another commentator said 'We may be ready to sink under our burdens, but confidence in God and the hope in heaven, and the assurance that all of this is for our good will reinvigorate the enfeebled frame and enable us to bear what we once supposed would crush us. A courageous mind braces a feeble body, and hope makes it fresh for new conflicts (Barnes). I need to strengthen myself by the promise that God will manifest Himself, He will come and save us (Isaiah 35:4). I need to renew my mind and gain a new perspective - one of joy, rather than defeat. Joy after all is more of a perspective than it is an emotion. If I trust Him, God can take my soul that is in the wilderness to a place of joy and singing.
Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear' Behold your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you. Then the lame shall leap like a deer, and the tongue of the dumb sing, for waters shall burst forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. (Isaiah 35:3, 4, 6)
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