Is It Worth It?

On Thursday, June 24th while we were in Panama there was a period of about 20 minutes (I think it was 20 minutes, I don't actually know because I never looked at my watch - time didn't really seem all that important at the moment) when I seriously contemplated my life. I'm not talking sitting at home considering what my life's purpose is. I'm talking we had people who were planning to kidnap and/or kill us and our Panamanian soldiers were securing the island so that they didn't while we sat against the walls of a dark room totally silent and very seriously contemplating the possibility of them failing to do that. In that moment of time I felt God asking me 'is it worth it?' If you were to die at this moment, was you coming to Panama worth it? If you never saw your family on earth again, but someone will be in heaven because you came here is it worth it? I've learned not to answer God's questions flippantly because he knows my heart and will just ask me again, so I seriously contemplated my life and whether it was worth it. And I determined and answered that it was. If just one person could enjoy the glory of heaven because I missed out on a portion of this life that we all hold onto so dearly, it would be worth it. Now, obviously our soldiers were successful and we returned to the US unharmed, but that moment was not something that I ever thought I'd have to honestly and whole-heartedly experience, and yet there in the school building on Anacachuna I did. I will never forget that room.

On August 17th at about 3:30 in the morning I felt God ask me the same thing, but this time it was about my mom. If my mom were to die that day, but someone (even just one person) was able to spend eternity in heaven because of something they experienced that it was necessary for her to die so they could experience...would my losing her be worth the pain? It took me a lot longer to answer that one. I don't think I honestly told God yes for at least a day, and even then when I said yes, I quickly said, but can't you please do it another way?

My dad sent me this yesterday morning:
I haven’t asked God to show me if Sue is in heaven, I know she is. I haven’t asked God if she is OK, I know she is. I have been struggling with the thought that I need to know if Sue’s life and her death was worth it. Especially the last 8 years starting with her cancer. And mostly the last 6 months since her bone marrow transplant. I had another revelation lying in bed this morning. I can’t say that it is God speaking to me, It just feels like all my knowledge and the things I’ve experienced and things I already know have been focused to one point to answer the question I’ve been waking up with for the last month. Yes! It is worth it. If just one person comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through Sue’s struggles, through my pain, through my children’s suffering, IT IS WORTH IT. God uses our experiences and other people in life to bring us to a place where we will see that Jesus is the only answer to the problems we are having. Before you are saved it’s all about you and what you need to come to that point when you realize that you need God. After you accept Jesus into your heart, you ask him to take control and you give him your life……..YOU GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE. From this point on it’s not about you any more, it’s about GOD. All your struggles, all your talents, all your good days, all your bad days, all your weaknesses, all your strengths, all your sorrow and all your joy will be used for the glory of God. Your life belongs to him and he will use it in the most efficient way to bring more people to that same place that you had to come to, THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED. Count all your life experiences, good or bad, as blessings that will bring other souls into Christ. I still have this mountain to climb. I still have the pain to endure. I still have my fears to conquer, but now I know IT IS WORTH IT.

A lot of what I have been experiencing is living with the fact that it is worth it and because of that, it is necessary. What I didn't really put together until last night was the fact that just because something is worth it, does not mean something is easier. The view from the top of a mountain makes it worth climbing, but it doesn't make the climb any easier. A bit of what I've been wrestling with I think is the idea that if it is worth it then it shouldn't hurt so much, but that is totally untrue. Climbing Rainier hurt...a LOT. But standing on the top of the mountain was worth the pain to get there. Running a marathon hurt a lot, but being done and knowing what you had trained your body to endure was worth the pain of finishing. What I now need to learn how to focus on is that all of this - all the tears and fears and pain and longing and missing and sadness - all of it is worth what God can accomplish because it happened. It's not any easier, but it does make it worthwhile and give it a purpose. I'm still walking through the valley and it's not easy, but now I know with my head AND my heart that it is worth it.

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28