Beauty Will Rise

Steven Curtis Chapman's CD 'Beauty Will Rise' is one of the most beautiful things I've ever heard. It is more or less a soundtrack for your grief. This song is what I sing from my heart on the days I feel it and sing through my tears on the days I don't...sometimes you have to speak the truth until it's true!

All Things Pumpkin

I would like to write an ode to FoodNetwork.com, however I'm not really a poet, so instead I'll write a blog post. This weekend Allison and I took on not one, or two but FOUR brand new recipies - two of them which required roasting a pumpkin...which of course neither of us had ever done. Most of them came from the spectacular search function offered on FoodNetwork.com. Just put in what you've got in the house and VOILA, you have yourself a list of things you can make - and ratings too! While Monday's squash pasta cassarole was pretty spectacular...

...Sunday's All-Things-Pumpkin really took the cake. We roasted the pumpkin in order to make Pumpkin Soup. You may scoff, but you shouldn't knock it until you try it, it was awesome! Then we roasted the pumpkin seeds...because, well we had them, and roasted pumpkin seeds are delicious! And to finish it off (and becuase we had another half a pumpkin we didn't know what to do with) we made Pumpkin Cookies with Cream Cheese Icing!!! In case you are wondering they were good...and as it turns out it's really easy to use fresh pumpkin. Now if the Charleston weather would just figure out that it's actually fall and not summer we would be all set!

100 calories

My friend Lisa clued me into this glorious little thing Nabisco started selling called '100 calorie packs'. It's the same snacks and cookies Nabisco sells regularly, just pre-divided into 100 calorie packages. I recognize that it's absurd that I need to buy prepacked items to keep myself from eating an entire bag of cookies, but it's true, so I've just accepted it. I've been a huge fan of the 100 calorie packs, but this week I found the Holy Grail of 100 calories...OREO Cakesters...
Gloria a Dios! (working on the Panama blog, so Spanish is on the brain)

About Time

It's been over a week since I posted last and I guess it's about time to do another update on life. I've been holding out because I've been feeling just generally off this week and I keep thinking it will go away and my post won't be so depressing...I'm getting kinda tired of depressing posts . But, it's Friday and the general funk has not left me so I've given up and am posting. After I read my sister's post I realized that it's not just me feeling off this week. My dad had a rough week as well, so apparently it's just one of those weeks. We hit the two month mark on Tuesday, so perhaps that is it.

So...the past week... Last weekend brought us this...

That was the roofing team assembled at Brandy's to get the house ready for the market. Brandy and John are moving next year and they needed a new roof when they moved in, so they figured it was about time :) Brandy and I did not so much help with the actual roofing project, but we did a lot of...

...cooking. A LOT. I'm not really sure how moms of big families do anything except cook. We felt like all we did was prep for a meal, make a meal or clean up from a meal. Our one saving grace was...
...leftover Special Olympics plastic wear. Which significantly cut down on the dishes end of life! We decided that this roofing project was brought to you by Papa Johns! :) As you can see (new shingles on the left, old on the right) the efforts were well worth it!

While Brandy and I did make a showing on the roof a time or two...

...most of our time was spent here...

...where the shed went from someplace you couldn't even step into let alone move around in, to a rather well organized region of the world. Between knocking out the shed and her spare room we were more or less an un-filmed Clean Sweep team!

It was the first time we've all been together since the memorial service and while it wasn't as heart-wrenching as I had imagined it could be there were definite moments when I just wanted to curl up in a ball and cry. Like at about 6:00 on Friday when Brandy and I suddenly realized that my mom would not be cooking dinner and it was up to us to go grocery shopping and cook. One of those things that you just don't think about because she always had a meal menu and would whip us into shape as we were sitting there talking. Or when we were walking through the grocery store and didn't know how much of things to buy, or what kind of ice cream my dad liked. Every time I wanted to scream at the universe 'THIS ISN'T FAIR!', but I knew that was going to get me nowhere, so I swallowed the lump in my throat and kept shopping. I guess there is an aspect to life right now that goes in the 'suck it up and move on' category, and whether it's fair, or nice, or easy, doesn't really matter, it is what it is. My mom always said 'life's not fair, get used to it while you're young'.

Prior to the roofing project I had a week in West Virginia at a conference for work. I love this conference. I know I am a total dork for loving a conference, but this is the week I get to meet with all the people who do my job all over the US and it just generally makes me feel more motivated to do my job when I leave...which is always a plus in life :) So, I have three pictures to sum up the week. The first picture is to prove I truly did do work while I was there...

...the second picture is to prove there are far more entertaining things to do at a NERRS meeting than work...like having a DODGEBALL TOURNAMENT!!!...

...and the last one to prove there are some spectacular pictures you can find online to make a point in a presentation (this one stolen from Grey's presentation, who is spectacular at only using pictures in his powerpoint - most of them which don't even have to do with what he is talking about)...

Happy Friday!

Chi Chi Chi Le Le Le

I just watched as the last rescuer waved goodbye to the camera, climbed into the capsule, and stepped back out on the surface. Congratulations Chile - you just inspired the world.

Thoughts throughout the day

1) If I had a salad bar in my house that was stocked by someone else, I would eat far more vegetables. (the salad bar at the place we are staying for our conference is awesome)

2) I think from here on out all my chocolate should have sea salt on it - I'm pretty sure I'm obsessed with the sea salt/chocolate combination.

3) Me and T-mobile are going to fight. Most of the people here are having issues getting cell coverage, but at least they get is SOMEWHERE! I'm having withdraw symptoms of talking to my Dad, Nikole and Brandy - there are not many days in the past few months we haven't talked.

4) My brain hurts...and it's only day 2 - this does not bode well for mental functioning by Thursday.

5) I'm part of government and they make me sick, no wonder everyone else hates them. Honestly, if I hear one more time how a new chunk of money has been given for such and such and the answer is what new office can be made I'm going to puke!

6) Certain moments are not going to be any easier in 5 more months. My friend Rachel lost her dad 7 months ago and her post from Sunday made me cry. Every once and a while I notice that it's getting better, but usually I notice that because I just got the wind knocked out of me. Take for instance on Saturday when Brandy, John and I were at the Molasses Festival watching these kids clog (I know, how great is that). When they were done the little girl looked over at her mom to see if she was watching, and I said to Brandy in passing, did you see her just look at her mom. And at that moment I wanted to start crying - just like that, no warning, a stab in the heart just from a random moment I witnessed. Or on Sunday when I drove into the National Conservation Training Center in WV. The last time we had our meeting here I flew home and my mom drove me down. I thought about it driving from the airport, but when I hit a certain portion of the road I saw the parking lot where she parked the car and remember walking with her down the path talking and I started crying. No warning, no build up - from a thought to crying in a second. People tend to insinuate that to help me feel better I just shouldn't listen to the music or look at the things that remind me of mom...but everything reminds me of her. What I've been doing for the past 8 weeks is learning how to deal with that. Now I have to learn how to deal with the little things that catch me unaware. Then I'm going to have to learn how to deal with the major things...the moments in life I know mom would have loved. But for tonight, my prayer is for Rachel, because it really doesn't matter how long it's been, it still stinks.

Cinnamon Snot Ball

Today we conducted an experiment - please see report below for details.

Background Information (via Brandy):
Over the past two weeks I have been attempting to create my delicious breakfast coffee in a more "natural" manner...a.k.a. cut out the SUGAR! I remembered one time my mom putting cinnamon in her Starbucks coffee and it made it sweeter than mine. So, I decided cinnamon it is. Everything was going well. Coffee was sweet. I added more cinnamon every day until I started dumping about 2 tablespoons of cinnamon into the bottom of my coffee cup...but I was loving the outcome.

One day I came home from work and went to clean out my coffee cup only to find a GINORMOUS cinnamon snot ball in the bottom of the cup. I'm not joking here people. I am going to detail the scene for you - unscrew the white top of the travel mug; grasp the pink handle and tip it to the side thinking there is nothing in it (why would there be? I had drank all the coffee that morning); one hard shake (it's just my routine); suddenly a dark blob slowly creeps out and drops into the drain; wide eyes, blink multiple times to make sure I'm not seeing things, look between the cup and the sink multiple times, then set the cup down; gingerly pick up the drain stopper by the edge because the thing in the middle is covered by cinnamon slime; THE SLIME BALL DOES NOT SLIDE THROUGH THE DRAIN HOLES!!!; drop the stopper and turn on water...clogged sink from a cinnamon slime ball; dump cinnamon slime ball onto a paper towel and inspect it; throw out cinnamon slime ball.

After immediately deciding to not sweeten with cinnamon until this mystery was solved, sugar made a repeat appearance in my coffee. We (Brandy and I) decided to investigate the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon through the scientific process this weekend.

Hypotheses:
Dad's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot drink, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

John's hypothesis: when large amounts of cinnamon are added to any hot, acidic drink, such as coffee, a cinnamon snot ball will occur.

Other possible variables could be consistent drinking motion, sealed container, presence of milk and amount of cinnamon.

Materials:
Keurig (star performer in this experiment)
2 K-cups
milk
5 mugs
cinnamon
water
cups
ice

Methods:
1 - after 4 mile run prepare 2 pumpkin spice coffees with the Keurig and sprinkle a dash of cinnamon on the top of each
2 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 3 cups
3 - use Keurig and one K-cup to put hot coffee in cup 1; use Keurig and no K-cup to put hot water in cup 2; use microwave to heat milk and add to cup 3

4 - allow all cups sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe
5 - place 2 tablespoons of cinnamon in the bottom of 2 new cups
6 - use Keurig to make a coffee and cool with ice to match room temperature water
7 - put room temperature coffee in cup 4; put room temperature water in cup 5
8 - allow both cups to sit for a minimum of 2 hours and observe


Results:
Original morning pumpkin spice coffees did not result in a cinnamon snot ball, and thus the variable of amount of cinnamon was kept constant in all further experiments as it was a factor. Sprinkles of cinnamon do not seem to create snot balls.


Cup 1 (hot, coffee) resulted in a HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 2 (hot water) resulted in HUGE cinnamon snot ball. Cup 3 (hot milk) did not result in snot ball. It was still clumped, but powder when broken apart.
Please note the drain clogging ability of the hot water cinnamon snot ball. This was not an action shot - this was being held there for an extended period of time (my cell phone is VERY slow at taking pictures, believe me)

Cup 4 (room temperature coffee) resulted in smaller snot ball. It was not as stretchy or viscous as warmer counterpart. Cup 5 (room temperature water) resulted in smaller snot ball. Same as room temperature coffee. Milk was not tested in the cold temperature experiment as it did not create a snot ball in the previous test.

Discussion:
Neither hypothesis was correct. As it turned out neither the heat, nor the acidity can completely explain the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon. Pure milk did not create a snot ball, indicating the extreme basic nature of milk did not allow it to form. Water, which should be neutral, did. One possible uncontrolled variable is the pH of the water. In the future an experiment should be run using both well and bottled water, preferable testing all water and other liquids with a pH test. Another uncontrolled variable is the actual cinnamon used. It is possible that Aldi's cinnamon needs to returned for it's promised refund. In the future an experiment should be run using different brands of cinnamon.

Throughout the experiment we kept questioning how Starbucks could create a cinnamon dulce latte without a cinnamon snot ball. To finalize our experiment we headed to Starbucks and engaged in a detailed conversation with a brand new employee as to the ingredients in a cinnamon dulce latte. No employee in the store was aware of the cinnamon snot ball phenomenon because Starbucks uses LIQUID cinnamon flavor. However, we believe that if the CEO of Starbucks was aware of this the cinnamon phenomenon the cinnamon shaker would be removed from the counter as a sweetening option. Do you know what's looming at the bottom of your Starbucks cup?

Is It Worth It?

On Thursday, June 24th while we were in Panama there was a period of about 20 minutes (I think it was 20 minutes, I don't actually know because I never looked at my watch - time didn't really seem all that important at the moment) when I seriously contemplated my life. I'm not talking sitting at home considering what my life's purpose is. I'm talking we had people who were planning to kidnap and/or kill us and our Panamanian soldiers were securing the island so that they didn't while we sat against the walls of a dark room totally silent and very seriously contemplating the possibility of them failing to do that. In that moment of time I felt God asking me 'is it worth it?' If you were to die at this moment, was you coming to Panama worth it? If you never saw your family on earth again, but someone will be in heaven because you came here is it worth it? I've learned not to answer God's questions flippantly because he knows my heart and will just ask me again, so I seriously contemplated my life and whether it was worth it. And I determined and answered that it was. If just one person could enjoy the glory of heaven because I missed out on a portion of this life that we all hold onto so dearly, it would be worth it. Now, obviously our soldiers were successful and we returned to the US unharmed, but that moment was not something that I ever thought I'd have to honestly and whole-heartedly experience, and yet there in the school building on Anacachuna I did. I will never forget that room.

On August 17th at about 3:30 in the morning I felt God ask me the same thing, but this time it was about my mom. If my mom were to die that day, but someone (even just one person) was able to spend eternity in heaven because of something they experienced that it was necessary for her to die so they could experience...would my losing her be worth the pain? It took me a lot longer to answer that one. I don't think I honestly told God yes for at least a day, and even then when I said yes, I quickly said, but can't you please do it another way?

My dad sent me this yesterday morning:
I haven’t asked God to show me if Sue is in heaven, I know she is. I haven’t asked God if she is OK, I know she is. I have been struggling with the thought that I need to know if Sue’s life and her death was worth it. Especially the last 8 years starting with her cancer. And mostly the last 6 months since her bone marrow transplant. I had another revelation lying in bed this morning. I can’t say that it is God speaking to me, It just feels like all my knowledge and the things I’ve experienced and things I already know have been focused to one point to answer the question I’ve been waking up with for the last month. Yes! It is worth it. If just one person comes to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ through Sue’s struggles, through my pain, through my children’s suffering, IT IS WORTH IT. God uses our experiences and other people in life to bring us to a place where we will see that Jesus is the only answer to the problems we are having. Before you are saved it’s all about you and what you need to come to that point when you realize that you need God. After you accept Jesus into your heart, you ask him to take control and you give him your life……..YOU GIVE HIM YOUR LIFE. From this point on it’s not about you any more, it’s about GOD. All your struggles, all your talents, all your good days, all your bad days, all your weaknesses, all your strengths, all your sorrow and all your joy will be used for the glory of God. Your life belongs to him and he will use it in the most efficient way to bring more people to that same place that you had to come to, THAT YOU MAY BE SAVED. Count all your life experiences, good or bad, as blessings that will bring other souls into Christ. I still have this mountain to climb. I still have the pain to endure. I still have my fears to conquer, but now I know IT IS WORTH IT.

A lot of what I have been experiencing is living with the fact that it is worth it and because of that, it is necessary. What I didn't really put together until last night was the fact that just because something is worth it, does not mean something is easier. The view from the top of a mountain makes it worth climbing, but it doesn't make the climb any easier. A bit of what I've been wrestling with I think is the idea that if it is worth it then it shouldn't hurt so much, but that is totally untrue. Climbing Rainier hurt...a LOT. But standing on the top of the mountain was worth the pain to get there. Running a marathon hurt a lot, but being done and knowing what you had trained your body to endure was worth the pain of finishing. What I now need to learn how to focus on is that all of this - all the tears and fears and pain and longing and missing and sadness - all of it is worth what God can accomplish because it happened. It's not any easier, but it does make it worthwhile and give it a purpose. I'm still walking through the valley and it's not easy, but now I know with my head AND my heart that it is worth it.

We know that all things work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose. -Romans 8:28

2 minutes

About 10 minutes ago as I was typing an e-mail, while looking up the answer to another e-mail, while printing the new NERRS directory, while burning a CD, while reading another e-mail I realized that I may FINALLY be back in the game. I haven’t done that much work in a given 2 minute time frame in a LONG TIME!

Yesterday and Today

Today was day three of a headache (and yes I took pills - why do people always ask me that? like I'm walking around for three days with a headache and just didn't think about taking pills?). Today I also came to some pretty incredible realizations about God...and me...and life. All in all, I would actually put it in the good day category.

Yesterday on the other hand...that probably would lean more towards the bad day category. Yesterday started out well and good. It ended, however, with me having a spiritual temper tantrum. And well, spiritual temper tantrums are no prettier than physical ones. Especially if rather than it being witnessed by only you and God, you happen to be caught on the phone with someone, who becomes very concerned about your mental health and shows up at your door an hour later. Ashley and I proceeded to eat chocolate chip cookie dough and watch Dancing with the Stars, which made the day end closer to how it started...if ignoring that minor detail about the temper tantrum.

Today was my bible study. And being the bible study leader I have to write a lesson. Obviously last night was no time for me to be writing a lesson so this morning I sat down for some serious one-on-one time with God. And let me say, it was seriously needed. After all my reading and praying and searching for meanings of different words and verses, I taught a lesson that was as much a lesson for myself as it was for my bible study group. And it was all about God's timing.

Yesterday my Aunt Barb wrote a poem for Brandy and I called 'Three Years of Grief' that I read today:

It's a mountain
you climb
literally one step
at a time

an effort
just to keep
on breathing

enough
to make you wonder
why
am I here?

there is the moment
when the top
just does not seem
worth it

give up
go on
give up
go on

does it even matter
which one?

no matter what
I choose
I am still here

Yesterday I was there. When I read the poem this morning I sat staring at it in shock that my thoughts were there on the computer screen. I'm not even going to write all the things I have been thinking surrounding that, but suffice to say I've been less than inspirational. My Aunt's poem is a much better description of last week. And so today, I asked God to show me why I should choose to go on when no matter what I choose I'm still here. And today he answered. I figured I would share it with all my dedicated blog readers as you all deserve a positive post after all my sad ones :)

Today I learned this...

God has a specific time for everything that happens. Ecclesiastes 3:1 says For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven. And in fact verse 4 says A time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance. While I may feel like I'm always going to feel like I do now, I'm not. The problem is my understanding of timing is clouded and the burdens of life 'lay heavy upon me' (Ecclesiastes 8:5-6) making it hard for me to see God's way and timing right now. David, as much as anyone else in the Bible, had the right to question God's timing (seriously read his life story some time, it makes my struggles look wimpy), and yet David could say I will trust in You, O Lord; I say "You are my God. My times are in Your hands." So, why can't I say that? The question becomes, do I really trust God? If I do then I can say it and believe it.

Enter the book 'Experiencing God: Knowing and Doing the Will of God'. I read chapter two today, and guess what it talked about? Trusting God. The author Henry Blackaby says 'You will not trust Him if you do not love Him. And you will not love Him unless you know Him. ' And suddenly my question becomes do I love God? If I do then I should be able to trust Him.

I think it's easy to know that God loves you when life is good. But when life is bad, it's a lot harder to see. The problem is, what I realized today was that is a problem with my perspective, not a problem with God's love. Henry Blackaby used a very simple example of when his children couldn't get their own way, they would accusingly say 'You don't love me'. "But was that true? No, of course not. At that moment, however, my love was expressing itself differently than he wanted it to. My actions might sometimes have been confusing to my children, but my love for them was constant and unchanging." My confidence that God does in fact love me is a critical part of my trust (and faith) in Him. I am angry with his decision and saying to him 'You don't love me'. But His love for me never stopped, I'm just not understanding his actions.

1 John 4:16 doesn't say God loves, it says God IS love. God's very nature is love. So, the question is, do I believe it? Can I really believe that a God who sent His son to die in my place just so I could spend eternity with Him doesn't love me? Can the creator of the universe not love me if he left a little human in Charleston throw a temper tantrum and quietly and faithfully sat beside me until I was done and then said 'You will make it through this?' As much as I didn't want to admit it I very much knew He was listening to me.

So why would He let all this happen if He loves me? 'God did this so that men would seek Him and perhaps reach out for Him and find Him, though He is not far from each one of us. (Acts 17:26-27). And in the end, isn't that what I did? I realized that yesterday and the past week, really has not been as much grief as it has been a crisis of faith. So, if I believe that God does love me, that while I can't understand what is happening I believe that God does and will work all things together for my good, then I can trust Him and His timing. And if I trust God and his timing, I can say with David 'You are my God. My times are in Your hands'.

When I started writing the lesson God had given me one statement which is found in two places in the Bible. 'Strengthen the weak hands and make firm the feeble knees' (found in Isaiah 35:3-4 and Hebrews 12:11-12). As I researched what that line meant I realized Isaiah used the hands and knees to represent where our strength lies. When we are tired we can barely lift our hands, and standing is difficult because our knees get weak when there are many burdens on us. This simple line is a call to shake off my weariness and fear and push on. It's a call to stand strong, to take courage, and to keep my ground against the enemy. The one commentator said 'We will infallibly conquer if we persevere' (Clarke). Another commentator said 'We may be ready to sink under our burdens, but confidence in God and the hope in heaven, and the assurance that all of this is for our good will reinvigorate the enfeebled frame and enable us to bear what we once supposed would crush us. A courageous mind braces a feeble body, and hope makes it fresh for new conflicts (Barnes). I need to strengthen myself by the promise that God will manifest Himself, He will come and save us (Isaiah 35:4). I need to renew my mind and gain a new perspective - one of joy, rather than defeat. Joy after all is more of a perspective than it is an emotion. If I trust Him, God can take my soul that is in the wilderness to a place of joy and singing.

Strengthen the weak hands, and make firm the feeble knees. Say to those who are fearful-hearted, 'Be strong, do not fear' Behold your God will come with vengeance, with the recompense of God; He will come and save you. Then the lame shall leap like a deer, and the tongue of the dumb sing, for waters shall burst forth in the wilderness, and streams in the desert. (Isaiah 35:3, 4, 6)

Everything Falls

When I hear this song I will forever be sitting in a car in the Johns Hopkins Hospital parking lot with one earbud in my ear and the other in Brandy's preparing ourselves to walk upstairs and sit with our mom through the final days of her life. The distinction between good memories and bad memories is not black and white...as horrible as it was in some ways it was beautiful in others. So rather than analyze it I just listen to the song and feel it.

A Hole in My Heart

During my Dad's talk at the service he said his heart isn't broken, it is torn in pieces. Today as I was riding my bike home from work I was thinking about that. I've been trying desperately all week to ride out this depression thing that I know is part of the whole process. I've been focusing on the memories, doing things that make me happy, giving myself space to breath, but not letting myself isolate myself, asking God for help, doing things I don't feel like doing but know I should do (like eating vegetables and going to work to name two). The list goes on. And every day I come home exhausted from the work of it all. The work of living. And when it comes right down to it, what I realized as I was riding was that yes, I got through the week, and for most people it probably looked like I got through it pretty well, but I had no passion in it. I didn't really care if I did any of it. I didn't really desire to do anything above or beyond what needed to be done. I just got it done because I needed to. I put on the smile that I needed to put on so that people would stop asking me how I was. And I avoided like the plague any discussion of how I was really doing because quite frankly I didn't care to talk about it. I just wanted to do what I needed to do and get on with it already.

It seems like just getting through a day now is a process...and that is part of a bigger process...and that is part of a bigger process. Everything is a process. And really, I appreciate processes, I mean, heck, that's what I do for a living - make processes that get work accomplished and make processes to get the people that need to be in the process involved in the process. But now just getting through the day is a process, which makes all other processes more difficult, and more tiring, and every day I have to remind myself that eventually one hour will be better. And every hour I have to remind myself that eventually one minute will be better. And every minute I have to remind myself that I just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through this process. As my friend Alan said 'you aren't getting over this, you are getting through it.'

And so, as I was contemplating my dad's thoughts on his heart, and my personal take on whether I really was even getting through it, I realized that my heart also is not broken. It has a huge hole ripped out of it. My mom has been literally ripped out of it. All I have to fill back in that section of my heart are memories. And memories are a sad patch on a heart when there is still a gaping hole in it. I'm sure that as the hole grows back the memories will help, but they can't fix it.

And so what I am left with is waking up every morning with a huge hole in my heart while I attempt to get through the day. And do you know what happens when you try to fill something with a huge hole in it? Everything you use to fill it eventually drains out. So every time I work up the faith or effort or strength or determination or combination of them all that I need to get through that specific day, it's only so long before it all drains out again and I'm left with the huge gaping hole and nothing in my heart. And THAT is why I can't muster the strength to have passion about anything I do in a day. Because by the end of the day it's taken all that's in me just to do it, I can't produce anything more to care about doing it.

Taken from '90 minutes in Heaven':

That didn't stop psychiatrist from coming into my room and trying to help me. After a few times, they didn't tell me they were psychiatrists. After I refused to talk to them, they would sneak into my room and observe me. Often they'd walk in and say something like, "I'm Dr. Jones," but nothing else. The doctor might check my pulse and ask, "How's your stomach?" He'd examine my chart and ask pertinent questions. Eventually, he'd give himself away with a simple question such as "How do you feel today?" "About the same." "How do you really feel about all of this?" No matter how they varied the routine they always asked how I really felt. "You're a psychiatrist, aren't you?" I'd ask. "Well, uh, actually, yes." "Okay, what do you want to know? You want to know if I'm depressed? The answer is I'm very depressed. And I don't want to talk about it."

We have reached the 6 week mark. And really all I can say right now is please don't ask me how I am. I'm fine. I'm getting through. I'm doing the best I can. I have a huge hole in my heart and I'm trying the best I can to wait on God to patch it because six weeks is long enough to know I can't do it myself. It's all I can do to muster the strength and the faith and the determination to keep waiting. And I don't want to talk about it.