A Tad Busy

And so school has begun...I don't even want to begin to discuss my to do list - suffice to say I had to download an app on my phone so that I can organize everything and sort them by due date or category or priority...oh, my...

Spectacular

Jen, Allison, and I. A chocolate torte, a strawberry tart, and an oreo cheesecake. Three coffees, outdoor seating, and live music. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful moment.

The Final First

Last month one of the women at my church who lost her husband 2 weeks before my mom died gave me a hug and said 'I'll be praying for you, I'm all done my firsts, you have one big one to go'. The final first is here. The first August 19th.

One year ago at 8:15am I buried my head on my mom's leg as the heart monitor went flat. I didn't pick my head back up until I knew the screen was turned off because I didn't want that flat line to be what I remembered. Instead I remember knowing that she was gone - it's amazing actually how you know - her face looked different, the room seemed different, I felt different. I remember seeing my Aunt Dona cry for the first time because she had promised my mom to be strong and make the right decisions and now they had all been made. I remember my mom's best friend's face when she walked in the room 2 minutes later. I remember laying on the floor because I still didn't want to leave her even though she wasn't there. I remember kissing her cheek and then standing in the hall with Brandy so my dad could be alone. I remember driving home with my dad so he didn't have to be alone. I remember hearing my dad say for the first time on the phone 'Sue died today'. I remember picking out the clothes for her to wear at the viewing. There are so many things I remember, and I'm glad a flat line is not one of them.

And so, this morning I woke up at 5:30, made myself some of my mom's tea. It was scripture tea and on the tag it had Isaiah 40:31, which just happens to be one of the verses I read at my mom's service. I took the teacup she gave me, my bible, some tissues, my iPod, and a chair and went to the beach. I sat at the spot that we scattered her ashes in the ocean and watched the sunrise. I listened to music, I danced in the waves, I cried and I read Isaiah 40. And then I went home to start my day, because if I have learned nothing in this past year I have learned that life does in fact go on. It's both a comfort and a stab in the heart. Life goes on and you have to learn how to go on with it. So at 8:15 I was getting ready for a 9:00 meeting with my dissertation advisor. Instead of calling her I was putting on the bracelet that has some of her ashes in it. Instead of hearing her laugh, I called my sister and we both laughed as she said 'well, one year down'. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I woke up early, watched the sunrise and then filled my day. My mom would have expected nothing less.

Faithful

Last year on August 18th I slept on a hospital floor and the next morning sat beside my mom while she took her last breath. With Steven Curtis Chapman I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused, but I know God is faithful...

"I will proclaim it to the world.

I will declare it to my heart.

And sing it when the sun is shining.

I will scream it in the dark."

Downloads File

I'm clearing out 'My Documents' folder and organizing contact e-mails today...sigh. But, these two pictures were in my downloads folder and they make me smile...so in case they make you smile, we can share a moment of happiness together :)

Brandy and I sure were cute, huh?














Maia and I in the best office I will likely ever have :) Not saying I won't have good jobs, just saying an office with a huge window overlooking the harbor and one of your best friends right downstairs is hard to come by

Whatever is

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

It is generally a good idea to listen to St. Paul...and the Word of God :) And so, I shall think about such things...

- I have absolutely incredible friends that come to my emotional rescue each and every time I need it

- I have an absolutely amazing family that supports each other and encourages one another even through their own pain

- I am going to Maine tomorrow with said wonderful friends where there is NOT 8000% humidity...yes I recognize that you can't have 8000% humidity...that doesn't make it stop feeling that high

- I am going to be eating my weight in lobster over the next few days with said friends on said trip to Maine

- I had the blessing of my very first job being with such wonderful people that I hate to leave...I have realized over the years that working with amazing people is not a given

- I got a scholarship I didn't apply for and a job I didn't know existed all because I waited and prayed and God is awesome

- I have a sweet little pup who will cuddle with me every time I lay on my bed to cry, or just to read

- I have a God who tells me what will help me feel better and when I do it...I feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but making yourself list the good things sure does help your perspective.

It's August

I am finding talking exhausting today. Really interacting with people as a whole has been exhausting. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I think the roller coaster that is my life at present is just going a little too fast - I'm cool with the ups and downs (well, let's me honest, I'm not cool with them I just accept them), I just wish they could come a little less frequently.

Let's run through the last few days:

I got a job

I got a scholarship

I sat on 95 for 2 and a half hours in a traffic jam

I visited my grandparents and saw how much chemo has taken a toll on my grandfather

I visited my aunt and she made me laugh as always

I went back to my grandparents and ate chicken corn soup, cookies and mint iced tea

I looked through pictures my grandmother has been organizing and laughed

I laid next to my grandfather while he slept and cried

I said goodbye to my grandmother knowing she was going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the next month and there was nothing I could do to help her

I ate snowballs with my dad, aunt and cousins

I slept in a tent and listened to the rain

I drove back to SC and cried half of the way because last year on Aug 7th I also drove back to SC after thinking my mom was in the clear only to turn around a week later and find myself back at Hopkins

I laid on Angela's floor and talked about our plans for Maine

I went to lunch with my girls and ate shells and cheese

I ignored my desire to run screaming out of the office and instead let Maia help me clear it out

I came home to find out my grandfather was in the ER last night

I sit here wanting to go to sleep because then I won't have to think of all the things I need to do and all the things I can't do anything about

On August 1st I woke up and my very first thought was 'it's August'. It's been a long time since my very first thought was a thought having to do with grief. I've been dreading this month and wanting it to be over all at the same time. But...here it goes regardless, there is nothing I can do to stop time...or speed it up...

Silliness Abounds

So...I decided that I am going to start posting my favorite work pictures, which will hopefully keep me laughing at work rather than crying that I'm going to miss everyone.

Installment 1: the silly pictures...

Maia and I at Botany Bay...I'm pretty sure behind the camera Kim is whining about why we always take pictures together and leave her out :)













Princess Day 2008...In case you were unaware, there is an International Princess Day the first Friday of December. It's pretty much the best random holiday ever to celebrate at work being that you can wear tiaras and eat cupcakes (or tiny brownies as it were). And no I have no idea why I am making that face. Maia says it's because she just told me I wasn't allowed to eat the rest of the brownies myself.













Princess Day 2006...as you can see, we were a little more into it the first time around with tiaras and donuts for the 'princesses' and the 'commoners'. Awesome.















However, Princess Day is not the ONLY time you get to wear a tiara at DNR! You can also wear one on your 30th birthday :)



















The decoration of Julia's door when she went home for wedding dress shopping. Yes, we taped a copied Julia head on everyone of the dresses. We were OUT OF CONTROL for real. I mean, honestly, when is this acceptable to do to a person?



















This is what happens when you get a new installment of DNR hats at work. See Kim, we DO have pictures of you :)















We got to wear the cool DNR hats when we used to have the money and staff to do these cool open house things where the public could come out and see all the different programs we do and get to touch the animals and go on a boat ride...and eat hot dogs. Maia and I were in the food tent. And we made a LOT of hot dogs! Clearly too many that we were this excited about it.













Here we have the first ever ACE Basin sweatshop. Anna and I had to copy and bind 120 copies of these for an event we were putting on. In addition to the fact the speakers didn't get us stuff until too late to be able to do this on a weekday and hence we had to come in on a Saturday, there was also an issue going on with the copier so that every once and a while it just randomly didn't make a copy of one of the pages. You know, just for fun. So we had to count the pages on every single copy. And then to finish off the absurdity of it all the binding machine we were using was DEFINITELY made prior to my birth. Can you tell we are loving life?















Speaking of Anna...unfortunately sometimes once you leave you get uninvited to birthday lunches because place people want to eat is too far away to justify you driving to...hence the Lost Dog for my birthday experience. Tragically we decided it was a good idea to take a picture of Anna, cut her head off and put it over Lauton's head, and thus try to prove to her she did in fact eat at the Lost Dog. Likely it didn't work :)






























As I am about to write this I am realizing that apparently we do a lot of convincing. This is me convincing my cousin Tegan (who was shadowing me for a week) that she really did in fact like eels...it was in fact unsuccessful.
















As I went through pictures, it was also clear that we do a lot of eating. Although, anyone who knows me is not shocked by this since eating is my favorite thing to do :) We have snacks on the way back from days in the field...













lunches at the lovely St. Phillips Tea Room...















and, if there happens to be an abundance of cheese left over from a cheese plate that was ordered for an event, why not invite your co-workers wife and tiny baby to enjoy some fondue? I mean what ELSE do you do with an enormous amount of cheese?
















And then what would DNR be without the Chicken? Why do you think we had a random Anna head on file with which to make a picture of her at a meal she didn't go to? Because we had made the Life Aquatic picture and hence recognized the importance of having head cut outs of your coworkers, of course!















Mr. Chicken didn't just star in movies however, he also did important things like help with the fish tagging event...an no, I have no idea why I'm making that face, best I can tell I was eating something...which...again, not surprising













And, I couldn't decide if this picture was going to be funny to everyone else, but guess what? it's my blog, so I get to decide :) this is Maia and the chicken discussing the very sad fact that I am moving out of the admin building and my office is empty. She and the chicken will also have to comiserate over my exiting the Marshlands House...but the sadness is for another day. Today, please recognize the fact that Maia is sitting in an empty office talking to chicken hand puppet...come on people that has GOT to make it into the silly picture installment :)















stay tuned for future installments...they will likely not be as funny, but they will be enjoyable!

Pull Up, Pull Up!!!

I have 5 days left at DNR. It's somewhat freaking me out and every time I think about it I start to enter emotional panic mode. Hence I'm not thinking about it all too much. But, I did think it is appropriate to share some of the the best comments about life given by co-workers this week:

"You're leaving too! It's probably for the best. Look at those of us who have been here for 35 years - we've got anti-depressants in our drawers and liquor on our desks."

"Generally your e-mails are very organized, but as I was reading that one I was thinking, this is very stream of consciousness, something in her life is spirally totally out of control"

"Pull Up, Pull Up!"

Northward Bound

So, my attempt to post 'moments' on the blog is not going well, I keep forgetting to take a picture of them :) Today I remembered! In 10 days Allison, Jen, Angela and I will be headed to Maine for a glorious 5 days out of the Charleston heat and humidity. Tonight we set up shop on the Barnes and Noble floor to look at maps and guidebooks, decide where we may want to go, laugh about how ridiculous and unrealistic our plans are, determine just how many rich unknown people we need to meet along the way to take us on boats and planes, and then go to Senor Tequila's to finish it off with some chips and salsa. Spectacular moment to say the least.

I Have Decided

His yoke is easy, His burden is light,
I have decided, I'm gonna fix my eyes,
On the Perfecter, the Author of my faith, Jesus Christ

Greater - New Life Worship