Today...backwards

11:00 Right now I am sitting on the bed listening to the dishwasher clean the dishes that I finally took the time to stack inside of it rather than cover my countertop. I would like to say goodnight to my mom.

10:00 I organized the pictures I've been meaning to organize so that I know which ones I need to buy from Snapfish by the end of the week before the deal for free prints runs out. What I need to buy starts after my mom's bone marrow transplant...it seems so long ago, but it's less than a year.

9:00 I looked through my scrapbook to figure out what pages need to be done and finished a few quick ones to close out a book. In that book was a page of Christmas in 2008, when my mom didn't have cancer anymore...

8:00 I got home from bible study and looked at my disaster house that I haven't had the energy to clean up since Brandy left, it's kinda hard to care when you know no one else is going to see it and you are exhausted.

7:00 I finished up a lesson on Psalm 126 - I'm still in the process of making my heart agree with my brain that it will all be ok and I will reap with songs of joy again one day.

6:00 I drank a cup of apple cider with Leslie and Jeannie before bible study started and listened to Hillsong sing on the TV. We played that DVD in my mom's hospital room when she was there for GVH. I can still explain every detail of that room.

5:00 I tried to keep myself from freaking out on a conference call that I was still on and wasn't going anywhere fast...and it was 5:00.

4:00 Same conference call, less freaking out of the brain since I hadn't been there as long yet.

3:00 I walked into my office from getting Starbucks Gingerbread latte with Maia - a good way to start a conference call.

2:00 Maia and I worked on the Christmas party invite for the DNR Christmas party that we can't call a Christmas party. One of my personal pet peeves. A spade is a spade people, whether it's PC to be a spade or not.

1:00 I gave up attempting to answer all the e-mails and started coloring them by priority so I knew which ones NEEDED to be done which day.

12:00 I was in the middle of a conference call I was running, which was actually being very productive and only lasted 30 minutes.

11:00 I realized I had 49 e-mails in my inbox even though at the beginning of the day I had looked there were 46 and I had been answering e-mails since then...how does that math work?!

10:00 I organized the notes that needed to be sent out yesterday but had been lost in my e-mail inbox and because I hadn't taken the time to organize it didn't realize they were in there.

9:00 I chatted with Lauton about the day and attempted to convince my brain to choose things to do today based on priority rather than random non-sequential and unlogical efforts that resulted in my feeling like yesterday was a waste of time.

8:00 I realized that I really need to get moving if I planned on actually being at work on time. When I got in the car at 8:15 I wanted to call my mom...like I do every single morning when I get in the car at 8:15.

7:00 I forced myself out of bed, much to the excitement of Kaylinn who was all about going for a walk.

6:00 My alarm went off to tell me that I really should get out of bed if I wanted to get anything done before Nikole called at 6:30 and I would be otherwise engaged in conversation until 7:00. I hit snooze and rolled over.

No real reason for any of that, I'm just back in the procrastination before bedtime because I want to cry myself to sleep mode. I figured I hadn't posted since the Panama blog and at the very least it was a more interesting way to see my day. Friday will be 3 months. The living life and then thinking about my mom and then having to go back to living life hasn't stopped yet. I find it interesting that there is no transition in or out of the thought - it's just a random thought in the middle of the day that seems harmless until reality hits. And reality isn't gentle when it hits, perhaps I should buy it some boxing gloves.

As an aside, if you haven't seen Memento, you should.