The Breaking Point

Well, I believe the funk sitting over me has finally broken! I can just sense it - which I must say is a nice thing to sense. There is nothing like a 12 mile run to force you to sort out your issues and come to some sort of conclusion about how to move forward. Granted my legs ache, I'm going through the post-run chills (I'm not kidding, it's wierd, it's like my body goes on overdrive to cool down and takes it a bit too far), and because I made myself run into work so that I wouldn't have an excuse to lay down and take a nap afterwards, I'm still gross and salty from sweating, BUT, I feel immensely better than yesterday morning at this time. So, here is what I determined in the last 2 1/2 hours of my life while jogging along the side of the road:

I have way too many layers of stress going on which is why I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by them all. Once I deal with one layer for the day, there are 10 other ones there so I'm not really ever feeling like I'm getting anywhere. And I'm always feeling like something is bearing down on me, but I don't know what it is because I'm so busy that I'm not taking the time to think about what needs to be handled first. So, first to identify layers of stress and remove them...

1) my mom - I don't think I've actually posted that 2 months ago during one of my mom's post cancer check-ups they determined that her bone marrow is showing signs of leukemia - a not uncommon thing for people who had major chemotherapy, but a major deal nonetheless. It was pretty minor at the time so we started the process for checking Brandy, me, and my aunt's marrow for matches, running her marrow through the bone marrow bank, and overall just waited to hear the news from the next appointment which was 2 weeks ago. News, was not good - the leukemia is progressing faster than they thought and they had waited almost 2 months on the appointment because they didnt' think it was progressing fast, so needless to say I was less than excited with the doctors. One thing after another has been happening that is either frustrating, not clear as to why it's being done, not communicated as to what is going on, or all around just plain annoying, and it leaves us at this week when while I'm not worrying about it because I honestly believe God's got it in his hands, it is on my mind and just a general undertone to my life. Yesterday I finally realized that I was saying it wasn't bothering me because I wasn't worrying about it, but it was frustrating me, which put it on my mind. And then this morning when I stepped out of the house for my run the very first song I heard was 'Through the Fire' which I NEEDED to hear so badly, and I honestly don't even know how it got on my shuffle because I didn't have it downloaded at the time I loaded that up, but, there is was, and all the sudden I felt the stress over my mom break. I knew with my head that she would be ok, but there is a difference between knowing with your head and knowing with your heart, and all the sudden I knew with my heart. So on that topic, I leave you with a verse my mom called me with this week. I'm generally not superb at memorizing verses, but I just felt like I needed this one and low and behold when I heard that song, this verse popped into my mind - Deuteronomy 31:8 - The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you. He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid. Do not be discouraged.

2) my second layer of stress was this marathon - I don't feel like I've been very good with my training, which is making me a little concerned over whether I can really run this thing. I mean, I've been running, but I've been skipping runs because of this or that, or needing to shorten it because I was here and didn't have time. It's just a matter of actually having a life, and marathon running not being it. So, I realized I just needed to take the situation for what it was. I wasn't going to stop life to train for the marathon, but I was going to try to do the best I could. And if I didn't make it, I didn't make it. What was the big deal? I realized that was one of the stressors at about mile 4. I hit mile 7 and my legs started hurting rather badly and I pushed through, and then I hit mile 10 and they really really started to hurt and I pushed through, and then I hit mile 11.5 and I felt like I was going to puke and I figured I should maybe walk the last half mile, and I lived. So, marathon training will no longer stress me. I'm going to do what I can do, and if I'm not trained well enough, then I'll run what I can and walk the rest. Done. By the way, I am starting to not feel like I just walked through the arctic and my legs have stopped the continual aching feeling so we are doing pretty good. Soon I'll be able to actually stand up at which point I need to get unpacking, so I better finish up here...

3) speaking of which, stressor number 3 was my office. I don't do well in clutter and while I now have most of what I need on a regular basis unpacked I didn't have it all. And knowing that I have an entire closet full of stuff that needs unpacking and no time in which to do it didn't really ever make me feel good. So, here I am on a Saturday. Kinda sucky way to spend a Saturday, but I need extra hours before I go to Panama, and I might as well use them to make my working situation a little more manageable. The finally got my phone fixed (well I'm not positive about the voicemail, but the phone at least), and my computer can now be plugged in my side, in addition to some other plug items that I'll find once I start unpacking in earnest. I'm also going to attempt to make an organized list of what needs to be done next week so that I don't have to come into the normal Monday morning 'ugh, I can't believe I have so much to do, I don't even know where to start!'. Stressor three -check.

4) Panama. it's really soon, and getting sooner every day, and I don't feel like I'm prepared. So, thought through what I need to get prepared. I got my yellow fever shot yesterday morning, so I'm all vaccinated up. I've got my passport, and I talked to Pastor and Megan yesterday about what I need to pack, which I can start working on next week. AND I realized that I was thinking that I had 1 week, but I have 2. So, that one was actually just a matter of thinking about it for a while!

5) having two jobs - I am definitely still getting used to this, and once I really thought about it, it's just going to be that way until I settle into it. Without all this other stuff going on the settling time may have taken a little shorter, but I'll just need to keep on keeping on. And, yesterday I had my meeting with Pastor, when I went through what I've been working on which I must say made me realize I've done more than I realized. Again, just needed a little thinking time!

6) then there were the normal things of life, that on a normal day wouldn't really have sent me over the edge, but because of the three major underlying stressors listed above I realized they were kinda they push that sent me over the cliff, and then right when I would get to the top of the cliff again, they would step on my fingers. Most of them I really can't do anything about - partnerships at work (I'm beginning to hate that word - in essence think of group projects in school, that is what partnerships at work are), unexpected bills, last minute things people need, random things breaking or not working, or people not answering my requests of them...the list goes on. None of it can be controlled in any way by me, so, in the interest of my sanity, I say 'get thee behind me, Satan'. Seeing as how two of my major stressors just needed time to think, I realized that these little things were making me feel so cluttered and busy that I never took the thinking time that I know I need to do.

So, now that I have feeling back in my legs I'm ready to tackle the rest of the day - and with a far better attitude than I've started the day off in a long time. Can you see why I always score in the middle of the introvert-extrovert scale? While I like groups of people, I don't gain energy from them - I do, however, gain energy from a little (well, in this case a lot - 12 miles takes a LONG time) of time well spent with God, myself, and the open road.