Life is Good...hopefully

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what procrastination looks like.  I have so many things to do my to do list is actually laughing at me - no really, if it had a voice it would be laughing at me.  And yet while Brittany, Jen and I were putting together our tables for a poster presentation next week we started talking about Panama and made Jen and I think of Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...which is a pretty awesome story that we feel as though all the loyal blog readers should hear.

So this...is me and Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...

You may be able to see the little Life is Good man looking happy about life, much as I am looking happy about life last year in Panama.  Yes, I said last year.  That was 2010 (in case you were wondering at this moment there are sharp shooters behind us laying on the beach to ensure the rebels didn't just set up a distraction boat that the majority of our soldiers just went off to take care of...just saying, you don't forget where you are sometimes...perhaps this explains my face a little bit more).

But back to the Nalgene.  So, as you can imagine, hydration is rather important on the islands.  And as you can also imagine, drinking the water there is not an option.  So we get big bottles of water and take water bottles to fill up and drink throughout the day.  Drinking water is not a joke when you are sweating every moment of the day and night.  Under the tarp on this truck is 350...yes 350 gallons of water that we took with us this year.

In 2010 I took Mr. Life is Good Nalgene.  It just so happens that he is a rather well travelled Nalgene bottle.  My dad got him for me for our second trip to Mt. Rainier, so he happens to be traveling in my backpack in this picture.  Yes, that is me, and yes, it's that steep.  

But I digress.  In 2011 I decided to switch it up and chose to take my red no BPA Nalgene who has kinda missed all the action because he is pretty new.  Jen didn't have a Nalgene and asked to borrow one, so I gave her the veteran Mr. Life is Good.  As you can see he was very excited, helping with medicine...

...checking out the best Kuna shower ever (I'm not joking people it was spectacular, those faces don't lie!)...

...at meals, at prayer, at service, at clinic, in the rooms, in the silah hut...if Jen was there, Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was with her.  You actually feel like you are missing something once you get back to civilization and don't have a water bottle attached to you at all times.

Enter the ride from hell.  I am not kidding you, it is difficult to explain how bad it was to people that were not there to experience the horror.  The short version is that it involved a driver that didn't know how to drive a 4 wheel drive car and yet had been hired to do just that, attempting to get us up a mountain and instead us drifting back down the steep, winding mountain road into oncoming traffic coming up the steep winding mountain road, our translator screaming to him what gear to get into, him nearly running us off the edge of the cliff before coming to a stop, someone THANKFULLY taking over and getting us up the mountain, and then said horrible driver deciding it was appropriate to go down the mountain at about 80 miles an hour in a crazy rain storm that didn't stop until we got to our hotel 3 and a half hours later.  Tragic is an understatement.  At one point I actually prayed 'God, if I am supposed to die on this mountain, I'm ok with it, just please don't make it hurt.'  Like I said, tragic.

All of that to say, we obviously had our water bottles with us, and our water bottles obviously were the least of our concerns when we were trying to escape the car ride from hades thanking God we had been spared.  And so...about 2 hours later Jen realized much to our sadness that Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was inadvertently left in the back of the car.  We can see him rolling back and forth in the back of the truck, with horrible driver man oblivious to the whole thing.  In that case life is NOT good for Mr. Life is Good Nalgene.

We can also see him making some Kuna person very happy when they find him and perhaps he is living on an island somewhere in the Kuna Islands.

Or perhaps he has been picked up and lives in some unknown place in the world.  Oh Mr. Life is Good man...thank you for your many days of hydration service...may you find many more.

Controlled Panic

So...we are 2 weeks in...my short version of how I am feeling about it is - controlled panic. It's intense that is for sure, but very awesome when you sit in a class as they are explaining what you are going to be trained to do with your degree and you think 'this is EXACTLY what I want to do and I never knew it existed!'. I am still working on figuring out how to regain my balance and find some kind of equilibrium in life. My advisor told me yesterday it usually takes a year and a half to get some traction...yikes...that is a lot of time to control panic :) The helpful aspect about that is the stress I'm feeling because I think I should have gotten control of myself already can go away :)

So, this morning I was listening to the Switchfoot CD and heard this song and something about it was exactly what I'm feeling. The idea of going back to school for a PhD in a field I've never taken so much as an undergrad class in, no longer being at the job that is my comfort zone with my comfort zone people, my schedule being all whacked out and every day being different, class times and schedules and assignments changing randomly and suddenly, and the idea of what is ahead...and yet, God has told me that He will be with me, that He will never leave or forsake me, that He will see me through and that the battle is not mine. I can stand and see the deliverance of the Lord, I can say that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, and that though trials may come, He has overcome the world! Panic is my hurricane...but it's not taking me out!

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

Not a doubt in my mind anymore

There's a storm up ahead

I'm a fighter fighting for control

I'm a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

Hello hurricane, you're not enough

Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane

A few things...

...that I love. That Southwest has a straight through flight to Baltimore. That there is an app to let me blog from the airport. That there is an app to let me make lists of things to do...and organize them! That I parked in residential parking for four hours after things didn't go as planned and I didn't get a ticket. That SAS after much battle is loaded on my computer. That I figured out libname command in said SAS program...believe me this is no easy feat. That I have a mentor and classmates that are enormously supportive. That I get to see my dad, sister, grandparents, and aunt in a few hours. That I get to have a fried chicken party with my wonderful friends when I get back.

While there were a few moments of utter frustration this week, the longer I type the more things I find to love :)

A Tad Busy

And so school has begun...I don't even want to begin to discuss my to do list - suffice to say I had to download an app on my phone so that I can organize everything and sort them by due date or category or priority...oh, my...

Spectacular

Jen, Allison, and I. A chocolate torte, a strawberry tart, and an oreo cheesecake. Three coffees, outdoor seating, and live music. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful moment.

The Final First

Last month one of the women at my church who lost her husband 2 weeks before my mom died gave me a hug and said 'I'll be praying for you, I'm all done my firsts, you have one big one to go'. The final first is here. The first August 19th.

One year ago at 8:15am I buried my head on my mom's leg as the heart monitor went flat. I didn't pick my head back up until I knew the screen was turned off because I didn't want that flat line to be what I remembered. Instead I remember knowing that she was gone - it's amazing actually how you know - her face looked different, the room seemed different, I felt different. I remember seeing my Aunt Dona cry for the first time because she had promised my mom to be strong and make the right decisions and now they had all been made. I remember my mom's best friend's face when she walked in the room 2 minutes later. I remember laying on the floor because I still didn't want to leave her even though she wasn't there. I remember kissing her cheek and then standing in the hall with Brandy so my dad could be alone. I remember driving home with my dad so he didn't have to be alone. I remember hearing my dad say for the first time on the phone 'Sue died today'. I remember picking out the clothes for her to wear at the viewing. There are so many things I remember, and I'm glad a flat line is not one of them.

And so, this morning I woke up at 5:30, made myself some of my mom's tea. It was scripture tea and on the tag it had Isaiah 40:31, which just happens to be one of the verses I read at my mom's service. I took the teacup she gave me, my bible, some tissues, my iPod, and a chair and went to the beach. I sat at the spot that we scattered her ashes in the ocean and watched the sunrise. I listened to music, I danced in the waves, I cried and I read Isaiah 40. And then I went home to start my day, because if I have learned nothing in this past year I have learned that life does in fact go on. It's both a comfort and a stab in the heart. Life goes on and you have to learn how to go on with it. So at 8:15 I was getting ready for a 9:00 meeting with my dissertation advisor. Instead of calling her I was putting on the bracelet that has some of her ashes in it. Instead of hearing her laugh, I called my sister and we both laughed as she said 'well, one year down'. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I woke up early, watched the sunrise and then filled my day. My mom would have expected nothing less.

Faithful

Last year on August 18th I slept on a hospital floor and the next morning sat beside my mom while she took her last breath. With Steven Curtis Chapman I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused, but I know God is faithful...

"I will proclaim it to the world.

I will declare it to my heart.

And sing it when the sun is shining.

I will scream it in the dark."

Downloads File

I'm clearing out 'My Documents' folder and organizing contact e-mails today...sigh. But, these two pictures were in my downloads folder and they make me smile...so in case they make you smile, we can share a moment of happiness together :)

Brandy and I sure were cute, huh?














Maia and I in the best office I will likely ever have :) Not saying I won't have good jobs, just saying an office with a huge window overlooking the harbor and one of your best friends right downstairs is hard to come by

Whatever is

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

It is generally a good idea to listen to St. Paul...and the Word of God :) And so, I shall think about such things...

- I have absolutely incredible friends that come to my emotional rescue each and every time I need it

- I have an absolutely amazing family that supports each other and encourages one another even through their own pain

- I am going to Maine tomorrow with said wonderful friends where there is NOT 8000% humidity...yes I recognize that you can't have 8000% humidity...that doesn't make it stop feeling that high

- I am going to be eating my weight in lobster over the next few days with said friends on said trip to Maine

- I had the blessing of my very first job being with such wonderful people that I hate to leave...I have realized over the years that working with amazing people is not a given

- I got a scholarship I didn't apply for and a job I didn't know existed all because I waited and prayed and God is awesome

- I have a sweet little pup who will cuddle with me every time I lay on my bed to cry, or just to read

- I have a God who tells me what will help me feel better and when I do it...I feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but making yourself list the good things sure does help your perspective.

It's August

I am finding talking exhausting today. Really interacting with people as a whole has been exhausting. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I think the roller coaster that is my life at present is just going a little too fast - I'm cool with the ups and downs (well, let's me honest, I'm not cool with them I just accept them), I just wish they could come a little less frequently.

Let's run through the last few days:

I got a job

I got a scholarship

I sat on 95 for 2 and a half hours in a traffic jam

I visited my grandparents and saw how much chemo has taken a toll on my grandfather

I visited my aunt and she made me laugh as always

I went back to my grandparents and ate chicken corn soup, cookies and mint iced tea

I looked through pictures my grandmother has been organizing and laughed

I laid next to my grandfather while he slept and cried

I said goodbye to my grandmother knowing she was going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the next month and there was nothing I could do to help her

I ate snowballs with my dad, aunt and cousins

I slept in a tent and listened to the rain

I drove back to SC and cried half of the way because last year on Aug 7th I also drove back to SC after thinking my mom was in the clear only to turn around a week later and find myself back at Hopkins

I laid on Angela's floor and talked about our plans for Maine

I went to lunch with my girls and ate shells and cheese

I ignored my desire to run screaming out of the office and instead let Maia help me clear it out

I came home to find out my grandfather was in the ER last night

I sit here wanting to go to sleep because then I won't have to think of all the things I need to do and all the things I can't do anything about

On August 1st I woke up and my very first thought was 'it's August'. It's been a long time since my very first thought was a thought having to do with grief. I've been dreading this month and wanting it to be over all at the same time. But...here it goes regardless, there is nothing I can do to stop time...or speed it up...