Warning: Real Life Ahead

Last night and this morning I got a little insight into how to explain how I'm feeling, so I figured I may as well post it here once and for all rather that explain it twenty times to different people and cry every time I explain it. So here goes...

I feel totally useless. And feeling useless makes me feel unneeded. And feeling unneeded makes me feel unwanted. And it doesn't matter if I know it's not logical, and I know it's not real, and I know I am wanted and needed and useful. It's still how I feel, and it's ok that I feel that way.

My mom (this is where I get this from, by the way) always wants to make everyone else's life manageable and as easy as possible, but there is nothing she can do to make this transplant easier for anyone. If I'm in SC I'm going to feel the same way as if I'm in PA, except I'll feel more useless, so why not be in PA? In many ways, me helping her through this is how I'm help myself through it. And so, in a few weeks I'm going to go to PA to do nothing, but at least I'll be doing nothing nearby rather than working and pretending everything is normal. And it's ok that I need to do that.

I know that in the end it will all be ok. Really, I do. That is a point God brought me to last time we went through the cancer battle. But that doesn't make it any faster to walk through the times when it's not ok. And I appreciate everyone saying that it will be ok. I appreciate their intentions, and I appreciate there is really nothing else to say. But, sometimes I just want someone to say 'man, that sucks!'... and leave it at that. Because it does. For some reason, I need someone to understand how I'm feeling and not try to help me change how I'm feeling. And I believe that is why you can best help someone go through something once you've been through it. Not because you know how to help them get through it. Because you know how to NOT help them get through it.

So, I feel angry that we have to do this, but blessed that we are able to. I feel unsure of the future, but I feel certain it's under control. I feel peace that passes understanding, but I wish I knew the outcome. And I feel ready for this month, but wish I didn't need to be. None of it makes sense. It just is what it is (in the words of my sister).

Last night I went to a wake for a sister of a friend of mine. When Cynthia called to let me know the time and place she said 'this isn't like a white person's wake'. And let me tell you, I'm glad it wasn't. The last funeral I went to was so formal and ritualistic, it was almost as if you weren't allowed to feel what you were feeling. This was real. They sang praises to the God who is the only one that understands why it happened, and then they told stories about the LIFE of the person they were there to celebrate. At least 4 people said a few words and then sang a song. And the whole choir joined them in singing. People didn't read scripted words, they spoke from their heart. It didn't always make sense why what they remembered was important to them, but that was what was important so it didn't matter. It really was beautiful. And it showed me something very important about life. What is real doesn't need explanation - you can feel it.

I think our society focuses too much on how we think things SHOULD be rather than how they ARE. Life isn't perfect, and many times it's isn't pretty, but it's beautiful. Sometimes you have to look for it, but it's always there. A wake is not an enjoyable experience, but it can be beautiful. My mom's transplant is not a great situation, but it can have beautiful results. My pains and frustrations are not enjoyable, but when all the sudden I get a glimpse of a truth God's been trying to teach me for years, it's worth it. It's not comfortable or convenient, but it sure is beautiful. It's not how I wanted to learn it, and it's not what I thought I should be learning, but it's what I needed to learn and it's how I needed to learn it. Now, I won't forget it. And I've stopped trying to figure out how I SHOULD feel and what I SHOULD learn and I've just accepted this is how I DO feel and what I AM learning. You may have already figured this out, but for me I'm still in the process so cut me some slack :)

So, in conclusion...life really is beautiful, it just sucks sometimes. And in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life; neither angels, nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers; neither height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord (Romans 8:37-39). We wouldn't have to be conquerors if there was nothing to conquer, so you better believe there will be. But the promise is not just that we will conquer it, we will be MORE than conquerors. That means we will walk away having not just won the battle, but having gained more than we walked into it with.