The Substance of Things Hoped For

Panama 2011...at long last

2012-01-06T21:59:00.002-05:00

It's January. We went to Panama in June. It's absurd, I know. But, I will not be deterred. There are a lot of people that sent me money or supplies or prayers for our team or notes that they were thinking of me! And because of them I WILL post pictures from Panama 2011! In the interest of sanity, you will unfortunately not get the in depth story of the past two years. The amount of reading is already stacking up on my desk and the semester is only 3 days in. But, before I begin, I am doing this!

In some ways the Kuna Islands in 2011 were the same as they always are. The people are beautiful. The trip is hard. The islands are hot. You feel motivated and exhausted at the same time. But the trip this year was also very different. The islands were more commercialized because they were closer to the mainland - in fact one of the Silas actually spoke English. And the islands were smaller, we were usually done clinic half way through the second day on each island. Because we were closer to the mainland we drove to the boats instead of flew...that will likely not be happening again now that we've lived through the experience to see another day :) No soldiers this year, and the team was bigger so there was a different group dynamic. In some ways that was sad because we had such an amazing group dynamic last year, but in other ways it was good. You learn different things when you are in different groups, and part of what I love about going on these trips is how much I learn. We had a service team this year, which was really cool because they did different tasks around the island as people needed help. We had more translators which was wonderful. And at the end of the trip we stayed for an extra day in Panama City which was a nice way to decompress and see part of the country that we never get to see other than out the window of the plane.

Every year, it is a privilege to be part of the missions team. I am blessed beyond measure to have been able to go, and to those of you who gave me support in so many way, thank you.

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The 2012 Wishbone

2012-01-05T12:45:00.001-05:00

Apparently it's 2012. Classes started yesterday, which means all those good intentions for all those exciting blog posts and all those long talks into the night to catch up with friends and all those to do list items that didn't make the priority list when the semester were in but I was sure would get done during break are back on the back burner. Last semester I was taking 12 credits and could barely keep up with the reading. This semester I am taking 15 credits and working 30 hours a week...riiiight.

So, expect blog posts to not increase readily, however, I am planning to try to post short funny stories to remind everyone who cares to know that I am still alive that indeed I am still alive :) The first of these stories you get today...

When Brandy and I were cleaning up the beach house getting ready to head back home we found the wishbone from the turkey we had cooked that week. We figured we may as well break it and each took a side to pull. 30 seconds later the top of the wishbone that tells you who gets their wish came flying off the top and flew across the room and Brandy and I stood there laughing at the broken pieces in our hands. And that is how 2012 began ladies and gents...expect a rather random and unexpected ride :)

Simply remember

2011-12-25T00:30:00.001-05:00

...I simply remember my favorite things and then I don't feel so bad...

When I am in the need for a few I can simply remember some of my favorite things of Christmas Eve 2011...coffee with devotions, icing chocolate roll cookies and eating half of them, sneaking through the aisles of Walmart, little faces staring at the candles at service, singing carols while finding lights for the first time in charleston...in essence having a beautiful day to just enjoy Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Belated Thankfulness

2011-12-12T15:12:00.003-05:00

A few days ago in a devotional I am reading the author asked 'What opportunities have you been given recently to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God?' As I thought about the question I realized I had a huge situation to profess the goodness and faithfulness of God but was so busy I never even mentioned it...which is generally the way God's goodness and faithfulness gets missed by the way. So here it is...I just finished my first semester of a PhD program and although I had only one mortgage payment of savings going into it and no paycheck, my bills have been paid, I am not in credit card debt and I never once begged for food or gas.

Even just typing it, I can tell it's tough to explain just how amazing this really is. As of August 10th I had no job, school started in 15 days, I had a prospect of a job but the process of actually getting it was going to take a while, and financial aid hadn't arrived yet. When it did arrive it would have paid my tuition and given me about $500 to support myself for 4 months. First I got an e-mail from my program director that I had been given a scholarship to help cover my tuition for the first 2 semesters. That allowed financial aid to actually go to living expenses. But the job situation still didn't move faster. I was offered a contracting position to help write a strategic plan which would provide a few hours of work each week. But even adding that to my work at church I wasn't going to be brining in enough to pay the mortgage each month. Then it gets good. I won my very first poster presentation at a medical conference which gave me a cash reward. A friend asked me to give a presentation to one of her classes and had money from the school to pay me. Three random refunds that I had been waiting on came through right when bills were due. I found out that the little bit of money I had put in a Roth IRA 5 years ago could be used for school expenses. Brandy moved in which meant that once she started getting paychecks we would be splitting expenses. And then last week I won a random drawing at school and got a Visa card. I mean honestly, that is random people.

So, perhaps this is not the funniest or most engaging story ever, but it is life, and it's proof positive that God knows what's happening whether it seems like it or not. One of the things that is most amazing is rather than God just providing a big lump of money that made it so I didn't have to worry about it again, He just made money come in when it needed to be there. My bank account balance spent most of the past 4 months in the 10s, sometimes in the 100s, but it never went negative. $100 here, $50 there just in time to pay what needed to be paid. I don't think I would have realized how amazing or been aware God was watching over me if He had just made a lump of money available. And so, rather than ignoring it or saying a cursory thank you and moving on, I decided to give a verbal (well written) testimony of God's goodness and faithfulness. I hope it encourages someone to trust that God's got your back even if you don't see how He can possibly pull it off. Believe me, when I add up the numbers it still doesn't make sense, but it's December, my bills are paid, I have money to buy food and fill up my car with gas and I'm starting my new job on Monday just in time to get a paycheck to pay the mortgage next month.

Give thanks to the Lord, for he is good and his steadfast love endures forever. (Psalm 107:1)

An Eskimo Hallelujah Chorus

2011-12-06T07:41:00.001-05:00

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Alive Again

2011-12-05T10:11:00.000-05:00

I found this poem today:

God hath not promised skies always blue.

Flower-strewn pathways all our lives through.

God hath not promised sun without rain,

Joy without sorrow, peace without pain.

But God hath promised strength for the day,

Rest for the laborer, light on the way;

Grace for the trial, help from above,

Unfailing sympathy, undying love.

In case you didn't notice, it's December. The second Thanksgiving without my mom was in some ways harder than the first. Last year felt sad, this year felt empty. We were all there. We all had fun. We all enjoyed each other. But something was missing. I think Christmas this year may be similar. So, I'm prepping myself by reminding myself of what God has already done in my life since August 19, 2010. If He can do all that he has done in a little over a year than certainly he can get me through the second Christmas without my mom. As Matt Maher sings in Alive Again - I can see the light before I see the sunrise...The sun rise is coming at some point, right now I'm going to celebrate strength for the day and the light that is slowly chasing away the darkness.

The Journal Stacks

2011-11-17T11:37:00.001-05:00

Today I was searching for articles for 3 projects I need to do in the next few weeks. It's very handy if you search from on campus because the websites with journal access will automatically recognize you and allow you to download the papers as a PDF. Occasionally you will find a paper that is in some random journal that the library doesn't have and that doesn't have online access and you need to request an interlibrary loan, which generally means I'll find a new paper, because I'm lazy like that. But, for one topic I was looking at there really weren't all that many interesting papers and I have to read WAY too many journal articles to read non-interesting ones on purpose. So, I went ahead and clicked the 'Find it at MUSC' link...which I found out was in actuality for this one how to find it in the physical bound journals on the shelves upstairs. WHAT? You want me to get up from the computer and FIND this thing!? What century is this!? But I felt like a bum if the only reason I didn't read an article was because I had to do some legwork. So, up I went, with my copy card loaded with money that was given to us at the beginning of the semester (when I was SURE I would never need it). I arrived in the journal region and stopped dead in my tracks as I saw something along these lines...

I'm pretty sure it's been a solid decade since I needed to find something in the midst of THAT. I informed my brain that 'I really can do this, get yourself to finding the Journal of the National Medical Association Volume 101'. To make a long story short, here I sit reading my article on exploring socioeconomic variations in diabetes control strategies, none the worse for wear but certainly distressed by how difficult I made that process out to be. As Jen said when I told her 'what has technology done to us?'

Happiness is...

2011-10-31T22:48:00.001-04:00

For whatever reason MUSC doesn't give their students a fall break. So I decided this past weekend that I would give myself one. Wait, didn't you need to study for a statistics test and write a presentation and review an article and organize your speaking points for a symposium? Why yes I did, but when fall finally hits Charleston it is tough to resist it!

And so, Friday night I changed my summer clothes out for my winter clothes, Saturday Brandy, Brittany, Jen and I went to Jen's lakehouse and sat and talked and then came back and made s'mores, and then Sunday after church Allison, Angela, Jen, Sarah, Brandy and I celebrated 'all things pumpkin' or Iron Chef Pumpkin as it were. A four course pumpkin meal all prepared by Brandy...we are talking homemade pumpkin ravioli here people, this was no child's play!
To finish the fall break off Jen, Alli and I shared pumpkin cheesecake and decaf coffee before heading to bed to start our crazy week.

It was truly glorious...but now back to logistic regression...

Some Moments

2011-10-20T11:16:00.001-04:00

There is nothing like reality to make your self proclaimed 'doing fine' attitude about grief come tumbling down. It's usually random, rarely expected, and almost always shockingly painful. And you really were doing fine up until that moment.

Grief is an interesting process. I really haven't contemplated the process itself in a while. I did often at first but then I think the actual act of going through it took over and took all my energy. Now that the immediacy of the sting is gone, the process itself is more obvious again.

At some point someone said 'you will never get over it, but you will get through it'. I am through some of the worst of it but I can tell it never goes away. There is no easy way to learn how to live without someone that you miss so much. And so some moments I find myself caught off guard by how real that pain can still be.

Back towards the beginning of this whole process I remember realizing that I was the little girl being dropped off at the nursery and having no concept of time, being heartbroken because I just wanted my mom back. I have no concept of God's timing when I will get my mom back and for lack of a better adjective it's stinks. I may at this point be the little girl that has finally stopped crying and started playing again, but every once and a while I look over at the door and wonder why she couldn't have just stayed and played with me. God knows why...and I have to keep learning to rest in that fact...

What a year can do

2011-10-11T11:15:00.000-04:00

It is interesting what a year will bring. The other day I was thinking about how utterly different my life this year is than it was last year. I had just gone through what will be one of the worst losses of my life, I was working full time at a job I loved, I had no real plans other than a vague idea that maybe I would go back to school at some point, I was technically still married, my sister lived four hours away, my best friends were just trying to get me through the day let alone expect anything helpful out of me, and I didn't really have any ability to see out of the deep dark hole life had thrown me in.

This morning, Brandy and I got up, I made coffee while she straightened her hair for her orientation in the Charleston County school district (for those that haven't heard yet, she's in Charleston for the next year). I fed the dogs and packed my backpack, and we drove downtown where I've been sitting in the library writing a bible study for tonight and studying logistic regression and disability for the past three hours. I thought of something funny and texted it to the girls to make them laugh. I heard the song Amazing Grace and smiled rather than cried. Sometimes I get a little melancholy thinking of not being able to tell my mom about how crazy it is that life is so different, but the fact that the melancholy feeling doesn't send me into a crying spiral of disaster is itself a testament of what a year can do. In one year, and probably the worst year of my life to be quite honest, God gave me a new purpose, a new hope, a new future, a new love of Him and a new life. So, for those in the pit I just crawled out of, hang tight, call on God and He will meet you there to help you climb out...I promise.

Hope Does Not Disappoint

2011-09-19T10:39:00.001-04:00

About three years ago I bought a ring that happens to fit on my left hand ring finger, and so that is where I wear it. It also happens to look like a wedding band because it's just a plain silver band with one word inscribed on it. That word is HOPE. I did not buy it because I hope to be married again. I bought it because God was speaking very clearly to me about needing to keep hope alive and I wanted something to remind me of what He was saying. Since then quite a bit has happened that would damper one's hope, so I hold tightly to the fact that before any of it ever began He started prepping me.

About one year ago, actually now that I look at the calendar, one year ago yesterday we held my mom's funeral. I am actually really glad that we waited a month to hold her funeral. I have a lot of memories that I don't think I would have if it had been three days later - I was still in shock three days later...which I guess is the point of holding the funeral then. But, our brains don't work that way, we like to process things, and so we delayed it until September 18th. And because we did, Brandy and I could write an amazing eulogy for our amazing mother, and after much prayer deliver it with only a few quivers in our voices. The next day we sat in my parent's livingroom with the funeral done, the posters of pictures filling the room, the vases of flowers filling the kitchen, and our hearts and minds totally overwhelmed with grief. It was also the one year mark of her death, and I remember us all laying on the various chairs, not talking, very literally not wanting to do anything ever again.

About 20 minutes ago I was sitting here calmly starting my day while listening to music and reading Romans and the one song that can send me into a blubbering, slobbering, crying mess started playing on the iPod...I Will Rise by Chris Tomlin. Well, to be honest, there are a few that can do that, but most of them I can make it through the first stanza before I start crying. I know the song is I Will Rise literally by the third cord, and am generally crying by the forth. When we were in the hospital with my mom, this song struck a cord with my Dad, my Aunt Dona, Brandy and I all at separate times in different places and was one of the two songs my Dad wanted sung at the funeral. This all being unknown to her, my Aunt Barb e-mailed me and asked if she could sing a song at the funeral and suggested that one. And so, you can start to see how just the first few cords can send my brain elsewhere. I had myself a good cry, dried my eyes and decided to write down the hope that I have because clearly hope is a rather important word in this season in my life. So here it is...

And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. (Romans 5:2-5)

How amazing is God that three years ago, He knew that today and everything that happened between then and now would happen and I would need that verse to remind me that these light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18). I will now listen to How Great Is Our God and rejoice that my sufferings will produce perseverance, and my perseverance will produce character, and my character will produce hope. And my hope will not disappoint because God has given me His love and His Spirit to rise on eagles wings.

Beautiful Quote

2011-09-18T16:53:00.003-04:00

All life is interrelated, somehow we're caught in an inescapable network of mutuality tied in a single garment of destiny. Whatever affects one directly affects all indirectly. For some strange reason, I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. You can never be what you ought to be until I am what I ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality. - Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

I heard this quote last week. Beyond the fact that I find Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. to be insanely inspirational in his own right, this seems to capture the reasoning behind throwing your life into helping others. However lost and mis-aligned this country may have become since it first embarked on its course, the idea that there are inalienable rights is one that I have always felt needs to be remembered. The thing is, those living outside our country have the same inalienable rights, and so we really are never far removed from the rest of the world. It is, when you get right down to it, the reason that I feel so strongly about international missions and would love to do international adoption. And it is the reason that global health and health disparities are two of the top three topics that led me to and will focus me as I go through this degree. So, in case you were wondering why I changed course mid-career, there it is. I am caught in the "interrelated structure of reality" and I plan to do something about it.

The Tale of the Washer and the Cat

2011-09-17T16:25:00.001-04:00

I love the book A Tale of Two Cities. It's been nearly 20 years since I've read it, but I can still remember doing the little character map thing that our teacher made to help us determine how each of the characters and sub-stories in the book intersect. I literally remember nothing of the story except for the fact that I loved it. The reason I loved it was very simple - I adore attempting to figure out how things connect and realize that certain things only happened because other things happened, which only happened because another thing happened...and so forth. It's why I was obsessed with LOST, attempting to figure out how everyone was linked and where the stories overlapped was half the purpose of the show (well for me anyway, some may disagree).

But, why do I start this post with that random fact about myself? Because today we had a bit of a Tale of Two Cities moment at the condo. We shall instead call it the Tale of the Washer and the Cat, and we shall begin with right now. I am presently washing almost every towel I own because they were all used to sop up dirty bleach water that came out of my washer as Scott attempted to get to the pump. These towels were very handy for the grabbing because just a week ago Nikole overflowed my toilet to the point that I had to use every towel I own to sop up the amount of water on my bathroom floor, quickly washing them and drying them, after which I threw in my sheets to wash before Nik and I headed out to grab a few things as Costco. When we returned the dryer had finished, the dishwasher had finished, but for some reason the washer was still running. This was odd since we'd been gone for about 2 hours. So I walked into the laundry room and noticed that the washer was on the cottons cycle...problem being I had run the permanent press cycle, which was 2 cycles before the cottons cycle... So, I opened the lid to see what was happening and the washer stopped agitating...never to agitate again (unfortunately). It only made this odd clicking sound from there on out.

Being that I have absolutely no idea what to do with a broken washer that is full of water and my sheets I obviously texted Scott because well he knows how to fix random stuff, so why not a washer? And, Scott has the same theory on fixing things as my dad does...if it's broken you may as well take it apart to see if you can fix it because the worst thing that can happen is you can't get it back together to work again when it never was in the first place. So, Scott came over the next day - granted, he didn't know how to fix a washer but he was a good sport about attempting - and determined that the timer was bad. Two days after I went to the parts store only to find out that they wanted $125 for the timer - OUTRAGEOUS - so I promptly found one on Ebay and we waited for it to arrive.

About 2 days later I realize that the house is smelling weird, noticed that the smell is coming from the washer which has been sitting full of dirty water and sheets for about 5 days, so I find myself some bleach (thankfully my sheets are white) and pour it in there to deal with the bacteria and smell. Happy days, it works. 2 days later the timer comes in the mail and the day after Scott comes to install it...only to find out that now it will agitate but still won't spin or drain. Well, a half fixed washer is not really all that helpful as it turns out, so Scott heads home to do some research and I head to the vet with the cat which as it turns out has her second urinary tract infection of the month and needs more antibiotics. The reason I know this is because she is peeing everywhere, which is very unfortunate when you can't wash anything she pees on because your washer is broken.

The cat gets her meds, Scott finds out how to tear the washer apart further, and so today begins. In case you are wondering, this is what a washer looks like on the inside...

When we get inside the washer we find it full of green stuffing, which just so happens to be the stuffing from Kaylinn's dog bed, which I had to wash 3 weeks ago when I realized Mishu had a urinary tract infection the first time. I threw the bed into the wash, but it broke all apart and I had to throw it out anyway. Apparently there was mass quantities of stuffing that got sucked into the washer body (how it got there I have no idea!) in all this. So, we pulled out as much as we could, then we vacuumed out the rest and then were ready to check the pump, which was what Scott determined was definitely an issue since it wasn't draining the water and he had checked all the wires to determine it wasn't an electrical problem. (by the way, I apparently take after my mom and as my dad used to tell her 'use the term we very loosely' - I really did none of this, Scott did all of it, and I am flippantly referring to the effort as we...now that that is cleared up I will continue doing so)

Here is the problem with getting to the pump - it pumps the water out of the washer....which means, if there is water in the washer you need to get it out to take the pump off. And so, we siphoned as much as we could, then Scott loosened up something in there to try to get it to drain into the tube to go into the big plastic bin we were using to capture water, and to make a long story short after a whole lot of water shooting all over the place and very rapidly filling the laundry room floor, we had many bleach water soaked towels, a bin full of bleachy water, and an empty washer.

Scott then figured out how to get the pump off, took it apart and found this...

That is right - stuffing from the bed. Apparently it had clogged up the pump. At this point I went to Sonic to get a cherry coke because somehow that makes things seem better, while Scott opened up the pump, dried it out, put it all back together, hooked it back up to the washer, hooked everything else in the washer up, turned it on and VOILA - it worked! (I did get him a Dr. Pepper and a corn dog, I'm not that much of a jerk...don't lie I know you were picturing me drinking my cherry coke while Scott fixed the washer)

So, why do I call this the Tale of the Washer and the Cat? Because do you know why all of this happened? Mishu. Who you will notice is on the porch because I can't deal with her peeing all over my house and she needs some more doses of antibiotics in her until she will stop.

All of this happened because Mishu got a UTI. She peed on the bed, the bed needed to be washed, I washed the bed, the stuffing came out and got stuck all in random places in the washer, after multiple cycles the random places started congregating into the pump, which blocked up, shorting out the timer, the timer freaked out and kept cycling because it couldn't drain because the pump was out, until I opened up the lid at which point it totally stopped working and I had a washer full of water and sheets. And so, this month having a pet is not priceless, it has a very large price tag on it involving new cat food for urinary health, two trips to the vet for meds, a timer for the washer, and a WHOLE lot of hours for Scott attempting to figure out the problem. Let's just say Mishu is still on the porch because I think that's the safest place for her as I do my bills.

As a footnote, Scott also fixed my vacuum while he was here which was not actually picking up any hair, somewhat of a problem when the point of a vacuum in a house with a cat and a dog is to pick up hair. And you wonder why I said that Scott gets the 'Friend of the Month' award? Heck, after today he gets the 'Friend of the Year' award. And he made me promise to write the disclaimer that no, he is not interested in more random appliance fixing jobs :)

Hysterical

2011-09-15T23:14:00.001-04:00

To entertain ourselves on days we are feeling overwhelmed by life and wishing we were back in the glorious wilds of Maine, Allison, Angela, Jen and I have been entertaining ourselves by sending random 'picture of the day' from our stash off Maine pics. While I realize I have yet to post any of them I had to post the one Alli sent us yesterday which has me wanting to roll around laughing.

Allison and I were sitting in our seats sadly leaving Maine when we hear Jen and Angela laughing hysterically behind us. We turn around to see what is so funny and Angela says 'look at us, we look ridiculous!' as we see this...

It's true, they so look ridiculous :)

Life is Good...hopefully

2011-09-11T00:04:00.001-04:00

This, ladies and gentlemen, is what procrastination looks like. I have so many things to do my to do list is actually laughing at me - no really, if it had a voice it would be laughing at me. And yet while Brittany, Jen and I were putting together our tables for a poster presentation next week we started talking about Panama and made Jen and I think of Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...which is a pretty awesome story that we feel as though all the loyal blog readers should hear.

So this...is me and Mr. Life is Good Nalgene...

You may be able to see the little Life is Good man looking happy about life, much as I am looking happy about life last year in Panama. Yes, I said last year. That was 2010 (in case you were wondering at this moment there are sharp shooters behind us laying on the beach to ensure the rebels didn't just set up a distraction boat that the majority of our soldiers just went off to take care of...just saying, you don't forget where you are sometimes...perhaps this explains my face a little bit more).

But back to the Nalgene. So, as you can imagine, hydration is rather important on the islands. And as you can also imagine, drinking the water there is not an option. So we get big bottles of water and take water bottles to fill up and drink throughout the day. Drinking water is not a joke when you are sweating every moment of the day and night. Under the tarp on this truck is 350...yes 350 gallons of water that we took with us this year.

In 2010 I took Mr. Life is Good Nalgene. It just so happens that he is a rather well travelled Nalgene bottle. My dad got him for me for our second trip to Mt. Rainier, so he happens to be traveling in my backpack in this picture. Yes, that is me, and yes, it's that steep.

But I digress. In 2011 I decided to switch it up and chose to take my red no BPA Nalgene who has kinda missed all the action because he is pretty new. Jen didn't have a Nalgene and asked to borrow one, so I gave her the veteran Mr. Life is Good. As you can see he was very excited, helping with medicine...

...checking out the best Kuna shower ever (I'm not joking people it was spectacular, those faces don't lie!)...

...at meals, at prayer, at service, at clinic, in the rooms, in the silah hut...if Jen was there, Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was with her. You actually feel like you are missing something once you get back to civilization and don't have a water bottle attached to you at all times.

Enter the ride from hell. I am not kidding you, it is difficult to explain how bad it was to people that were not there to experience the horror. The short version is that it involved a driver that didn't know how to drive a 4 wheel drive car and yet had been hired to do just that, attempting to get us up a mountain and instead us drifting back down the steep, winding mountain road into oncoming traffic coming up the steep winding mountain road, our translator screaming to him what gear to get into, him nearly running us off the edge of the cliff before coming to a stop, someone THANKFULLY taking over and getting us up the mountain, and then said horrible driver deciding it was appropriate to go down the mountain at about 80 miles an hour in a crazy rain storm that didn't stop until we got to our hotel 3 and a half hours later. Tragic is an understatement. At one point I actually prayed 'God, if I am supposed to die on this mountain, I'm ok with it, just please don't make it hurt.' Like I said, tragic.

All of that to say, we obviously had our water bottles with us, and our water bottles obviously were the least of our concerns when we were trying to escape the car ride from hades thanking God we had been spared. And so...about 2 hours later Jen realized much to our sadness that Mr. Life is Good Nalgene was inadvertently left in the back of the car. We can see him rolling back and forth in the back of the truck, with horrible driver man oblivious to the whole thing. In that case life is NOT good for Mr. Life is Good Nalgene.

We can also see him making some Kuna person very happy when they find him and perhaps he is living on an island somewhere in the Kuna Islands.

Or perhaps he has been picked up and lives in some unknown place in the world. Oh Mr. Life is Good man...thank you for your many days of hydration service...may you find many more.

Controlled Panic

2011-09-05T12:49:00.001-04:00

So...we are 2 weeks in...my short version of how I am feeling about it is - controlled panic. It's intense that is for sure, but very awesome when you sit in a class as they are explaining what you are going to be trained to do with your degree and you think 'this is EXACTLY what I want to do and I never knew it existed!'. I am still working on figuring out how to regain my balance and find some kind of equilibrium in life. My advisor told me yesterday it usually takes a year and a half to get some traction...yikes...that is a lot of time to control panic :) The helpful aspect about that is the stress I'm feeling because I think I should have gotten control of myself already can go away :)

So, this morning I was listening to the Switchfoot CD and heard this song and something about it was exactly what I'm feeling. The idea of going back to school for a PhD in a field I've never taken so much as an undergrad class in, no longer being at the job that is my comfort zone with my comfort zone people, my schedule being all whacked out and every day being different, class times and schedules and assignments changing randomly and suddenly, and the idea of what is ahead...and yet, God has told me that He will be with me, that He will never leave or forsake me, that He will see me through and that the battle is not mine. I can stand and see the deliverance of the Lord, I can say that He that is in me is greater than he that is in the world, and that though trials may come, He has overcome the world! Panic is my hurricane...but it's not taking me out!

I've been watching the skies

They've been turning blood red

Not a doubt in my mind anymore

There's a storm up ahead

I'm a fighter fighting for control

I'm a fighter fighting for my soul

Everything inside of me surrenders

You can't silence my love

Hello hurricane, you're not enough

Switchfoot - Hello Hurricane

A few things...

2011-09-01T18:14:00.001-04:00

...that I love. That Southwest has a straight through flight to Baltimore. That there is an app to let me blog from the airport. That there is an app to let me make lists of things to do...and organize them! That I parked in residential parking for four hours after things didn't go as planned and I didn't get a ticket. That SAS after much battle is loaded on my computer. That I figured out libname command in said SAS program...believe me this is no easy feat. That I have a mentor and classmates that are enormously supportive. That I get to see my dad, sister, grandparents, and aunt in a few hours. That I get to have a fried chicken party with my wonderful friends when I get back.

While there were a few moments of utter frustration this week, the longer I type the more things I find to love :)

A Tad Busy

2011-08-28T12:26:00.002-04:00

And so school has begun...I don't even want to begin to discuss my to do list - suffice to say I had to download an app on my phone so that I can organize everything and sort them by due date or category or priority...oh, my...

Spectacular

2011-08-27T23:38:00.001-04:00

Jen, Allison, and I. A chocolate torte, a strawberry tart, and an oreo cheesecake. Three coffees, outdoor seating, and live music. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a beautiful moment.

The Final First

2011-08-19T16:14:00.006-04:00

Last month one of the women at my church who lost her husband 2 weeks before my mom died gave me a hug and said 'I'll be praying for you, I'm all done my firsts, you have one big one to go'. The final first is here. The first August 19th.

One year ago at 8:15am I buried my head on my mom's leg as the heart monitor went flat. I didn't pick my head back up until I knew the screen was turned off because I didn't want that flat line to be what I remembered. Instead I remember knowing that she was gone - it's amazing actually how you know - her face looked different, the room seemed different, I felt different. I remember seeing my Aunt Dona cry for the first time because she had promised my mom to be strong and make the right decisions and now they had all been made. I remember my mom's best friend's face when she walked in the room 2 minutes later. I remember laying on the floor because I still didn't want to leave her even though she wasn't there. I remember kissing her cheek and then standing in the hall with Brandy so my dad could be alone. I remember driving home with my dad so he didn't have to be alone. I remember hearing my dad say for the first time on the phone 'Sue died today'. I remember picking out the clothes for her to wear at the viewing. There are so many things I remember, and I'm glad a flat line is not one of them.

And so, this morning I woke up at 5:30, made myself some of my mom's tea. It was scripture tea and on the tag it had Isaiah 40:31, which just happens to be one of the verses I read at my mom's service. I took the teacup she gave me, my bible, some tissues, my iPod, and a chair and went to the beach. I sat at the spot that we scattered her ashes in the ocean and watched the sunrise. I listened to music, I danced in the waves, I cried and I read Isaiah 40. And then I went home to start my day, because if I have learned nothing in this past year I have learned that life does in fact go on. It's both a comfort and a stab in the heart. Life goes on and you have to learn how to go on with it. So at 8:15 I was getting ready for a 9:00 meeting with my dissertation advisor. Instead of calling her I was putting on the bracelet that has some of her ashes in it. Instead of hearing her laugh, I called my sister and we both laughed as she said 'well, one year down'. Instead of moping around and feeling sorry for myself, I woke up early, watched the sunrise and then filled my day. My mom would have expected nothing less.

Faithful

2011-08-18T19:28:00.001-04:00

Last year on August 18th I slept on a hospital floor and the next morning sat beside my mom while she took her last breath. With Steven Curtis Chapman I am broken, I am bleeding, I'm scared and I'm confused, but I know God is faithful...

"I will proclaim it to the world.

I will declare it to my heart.

And sing it when the sun is shining.

I will scream it in the dark."

Downloads File

2011-08-10T10:41:00.003-04:00

I'm clearing out 'My Documents' folder and organizing contact e-mails today...sigh. But, these two pictures were in my downloads folder and they make me smile...so in case they make you smile, we can share a moment of happiness together :)

Brandy and I sure were cute, huh?

Maia and I in the best office I will likely ever have :) Not saying I won't have good jobs, just saying an office with a huge window overlooking the harbor and one of your best friends right downstairs is hard to come by

Whatever is

2011-08-09T23:36:00.006-04:00

whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things. - Philippians 4:8

It is generally a good idea to listen to St. Paul...and the Word of God :) And so, I shall think about such things...

- I have absolutely incredible friends that come to my emotional rescue each and every time I need it

- I have an absolutely amazing family that supports each other and encourages one another even through their own pain

- I am going to Maine tomorrow with said wonderful friends where there is NOT 8000% humidity...yes I recognize that you can't have 8000% humidity...that doesn't make it stop feeling that high

- I am going to be eating my weight in lobster over the next few days with said friends on said trip to Maine

- I had the blessing of my very first job being with such wonderful people that I hate to leave...I have realized over the years that working with amazing people is not a given

- I got a scholarship I didn't apply for and a job I didn't know existed all because I waited and prayed and God is awesome

- I have a sweet little pup who will cuddle with me every time I lay on my bed to cry, or just to read

- I have a God who tells me what will help me feel better and when I do it...I feel better. It doesn't fix anything, but making yourself list the good things sure does help your perspective.

It's August

2011-08-08T18:28:00.005-04:00

I am finding talking exhausting today. Really interacting with people as a whole has been exhausting. Perhaps I'm just exhausted. I think the roller coaster that is my life at present is just going a little too fast - I'm cool with the ups and downs (well, let's me honest, I'm not cool with them I just accept them), I just wish they could come a little less frequently.

Let's run through the last few days:

I got a job

I got a scholarship

I sat on 95 for 2 and a half hours in a traffic jam

I visited my grandparents and saw how much chemo has taken a toll on my grandfather

I visited my aunt and she made me laugh as always

I went back to my grandparents and ate chicken corn soup, cookies and mint iced tea

I looked through pictures my grandmother has been organizing and laughed

I laid next to my grandfather while he slept and cried

I said goodbye to my grandmother knowing she was going to have to make a lot of hard decisions in the next month and there was nothing I could do to help her

I ate snowballs with my dad, aunt and cousins

I slept in a tent and listened to the rain

I drove back to SC and cried half of the way because last year on Aug 7th I also drove back to SC after thinking my mom was in the clear only to turn around a week later and find myself back at Hopkins

I laid on Angela's floor and talked about our plans for Maine

I went to lunch with my girls and ate shells and cheese

I ignored my desire to run screaming out of the office and instead let Maia help me clear it out

I came home to find out my grandfather was in the ER last night

I sit here wanting to go to sleep because then I won't have to think of all the things I need to do and all the things I can't do anything about

On August 1st I woke up and my very first thought was 'it's August'. It's been a long time since my very first thought was a thought having to do with grief. I've been dreading this month and wanting it to be over all at the same time. But...here it goes regardless, there is nothing I can do to stop time...or speed it up...

Silliness Abounds

2011-08-03T16:04:00.017-04:00

So...I decided that I am going to start posting my favorite work pictures, which will hopefully keep me laughing at work rather than crying that I'm going to miss everyone.

Installment 1: the silly pictures...

Maia and I at Botany Bay...I'm pretty sure behind the camera Kim is whining about why we always take pictures together and leave her out :)

Princess Day 2008...In case you were unaware, there is an International Princess Day the first Friday of December. It's pretty much the best random holiday ever to celebrate at work being that you can wear tiaras and eat cupcakes (or tiny brownies as it were). And no I have no idea why I am making that face. Maia says it's because she just told me I wasn't allowed to eat the rest of the brownies myself.

Princess Day 2006...as you can see, we were a little more into it the first time around with tiaras and donuts for the 'princesses' and the 'commoners'. Awesome.

However, Princess Day is not the ONLY time you get to wear a tiara at DNR! You can also wear one on your 30th birthday :)

The decoration of Julia's door when she went home for wedding dress shopping. Yes, we taped a copied Julia head on everyone of the dresses. We were OUT OF CONTROL for real. I mean, honestly, when is this acceptable to do to a person?

This is what happens when you get a new installment of DNR hats at work. See Kim, we DO have pictures of you :)

We got to wear the cool DNR hats when we used to have the money and staff to do these cool open house things where the public could come out and see all the different programs we do and get to touch the animals and go on a boat ride...and eat hot dogs. Maia and I were in the food tent. And we made a LOT of hot dogs! Clearly too many that we were this excited about it.

Here we have the first ever ACE Basin sweatshop. Anna and I had to copy and bind 120 copies of these for an event we were putting on. In addition to the fact the speakers didn't get us stuff until too late to be able to do this on a weekday and hence we had to come in on a Saturday, there was also an issue going on with the copier so that every once and a while it just randomly didn't make a copy of one of the pages. You know, just for fun. So we had to count the pages on every single copy. And then to finish off the absurdity of it all the binding machine we were using was DEFINITELY made prior to my birth. Can you tell we are loving life?

Speaking of Anna...unfortunately sometimes once you leave you get uninvited to birthday lunches because place people want to eat is too far away to justify you driving to...hence the Lost Dog for my birthday experience. Tragically we decided it was a good idea to take a picture of Anna, cut her head off and put it over Lauton's head, and thus try to prove to her she did in fact eat at the Lost Dog. Likely it didn't work :)

As I am about to write this I am realizing that apparently we do a lot of convincing. This is me convincing my cousin Tegan (who was shadowing me for a week) that she really did in fact like eels...it was in fact unsuccessful.

As I went through pictures, it was also clear that we do a lot of eating. Although, anyone who knows me is not shocked by this since eating is my favorite thing to do :) We have snacks on the way back from days in the field...

lunches at the lovely St. Phillips Tea Room...

and, if there happens to be an abundance of cheese left over from a cheese plate that was ordered for an event, why not invite your co-workers wife and tiny baby to enjoy some fondue? I mean what ELSE do you do with an enormous amount of cheese?

And then what would DNR be without the Chicken? Why do you think we had a random Anna head on file with which to make a picture of her at a meal she didn't go to? Because we had made the Life Aquatic picture and hence recognized the importance of having head cut outs of your coworkers, of course!

Mr. Chicken didn't just star in movies however, he also did important things like help with the fish tagging event...an no, I have no idea why I'm making that face, best I can tell I was eating something...which...again, not surprising

And, I couldn't decide if this picture was going to be funny to everyone else, but guess what? it's my blog, so I get to decide :) this is Maia and the chicken discussing the very sad fact that I am moving out of the admin building and my office is empty. She and the chicken will also have to comiserate over my exiting the Marshlands House...but the sadness is for another day. Today, please recognize the fact that Maia is sitting in an empty office talking to chicken hand puppet...come on people that has GOT to make it into the silly picture installment :)

stay tuned for future installments...they will likely not be as funny, but they will be enjoyable!

Pull Up, Pull Up!!!

2011-08-02T14:53:00.003-04:00

I have 5 days left at DNR. It's somewhat freaking me out and every time I think about it I start to enter emotional panic mode. Hence I'm not thinking about it all too much. But, I did think it is appropriate to share some of the the best comments about life given by co-workers this week:

"You're leaving too! It's probably for the best. Look at those of us who have been here for 35 years - we've got anti-depressants in our drawers and liquor on our desks."

"Generally your e-mails are very organized, but as I was reading that one I was thinking, this is very stream of consciousness, something in her life is spirally totally out of control"

"Pull Up, Pull Up!"

Northward Bound

2011-08-02T00:14:00.002-04:00

So, my attempt to post 'moments' on the blog is not going well, I keep forgetting to take a picture of them :) Today I remembered! In 10 days Allison, Jen, Angela and I will be headed to Maine for a glorious 5 days out of the Charleston heat and humidity. Tonight we set up shop on the Barnes and Noble floor to look at maps and guidebooks, decide where we may want to go, laugh about how ridiculous and unrealistic our plans are, determine just how many rich unknown people we need to meet along the way to take us on boats and planes, and then go to Senor Tequila's to finish it off with some chips and salsa. Spectacular moment to say the least.

I Have Decided

2011-08-01T23:29:00.001-04:00

His yoke is easy, His burden is light,
I have decided, I'm gonna fix my eyes,
On the Perfecter, the Author of my faith, Jesus Christ

Greater - New Life Worship

School Shopping

2011-07-30T18:39:00.002-04:00

Yesterday Brittany, Nikole and I went school shopping...which I haven't done in 8 years...it was pretty hysterical...and quite successful!

Perceptual Adaptation

2011-07-30T00:01:00.007-04:00

I am exhausted. This week I attempted to dump my brain onto Word files and e-mails to prep someone else to take over the job I've been doing for the past 6 years. I also ran 5 nights of Vacation Bible School, which in case you haven't worked VBS in the recent past takes quite a large quantity of energy to get things ready, know what is going to go wrong before it goes wrong, fix what goes wrong after it goes wrong, and show no fear, indecision or exhaustion to the kids. And, all the while I suppressed the desire to panic about any of the facts in my life: that in one month I have no idea how I'm going to pay my mortgage, that I'm going back to school in a field that is totally new which takes literally all my brain power to focus and absorb the information, that the one year anniversary of my mom's death is looming on the horizon, that I'm going home next weekend to visit my grandfather for what possibly could be the last time...the list of reasons to panic could go on but I'm too tired to keep typing.

In short my life is upside down. Actually, no, it feels worse than that. In college psychology class I remember learning about a study where they had people wear glasses that made the world upside down and after 4 or 5 days their brains actually inverted everything so that they were seeing right side up again. When they took the glasses off, they were seeing everything upside down, and had to wait for their brains to invert everything again. It's called perceptual adaptation. I more or less feel like for the past two years I have had to take those glasses on and off about 20 times and my brain is feeling ready to give up on telling me which way is up.

In case you were wondering, it's a rather intense thing to feel, and not all together enjoyable. But...it's where am...I am in the land of continuous perceptual adaptation. Here is the thing though. The first few times I had the glasses put on or had them taken away I more or less freaked out. I was out of control of my life, I had no idea what was going to happen and I had no clue what to do about it. For me, that is a reason to freak out. The longer this goes on, however, and the closer the flipping back and forth happens the less thrown off I seem to be. Really, the past two weeks has seen some pretty major changes (so much so that half of you reading this don't even know I'm not going to be working in two weeks...yeah, I really don't feel like going into it) and yet, I'm shocked at how minorly phased I am all things considered. I have finally reached the point where I'm totally fine with waiting on God to tell me where to go next and I totally trust that He is going to. Being able to honestly say that is all by itself a sign of how far God's brought me. It's one thing to say you trust God...it's another to actually do it.

So remember how I wrote a number of posts about how much I hated the question 'how are you' after my mom died? The new question on my hatred list is 'so what is your plan'? Most people really don't believe you when you say you don't know, and you're ok because you know that you will when you need to. But guess what? I don't know. And I know that I will when I need to. My life is upside down, but it will flip back up at some point. Until then I will sleep with the ceiling as the floor.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three things remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. - 1 Corinthians 13:12-13

God is Wild About Us!

2011-07-25T22:59:00.003-04:00

Is there anywhere on earth other than VBS where you can convince boys to wear panda ears, grown adults to wear paper mache panda heads, and shoot tiny pandas out of a leaf blower? Oh Pandamania, we are only one day in and I love you already!

My Soulmate

2011-07-20T11:15:00.002-04:00

I have been known to say in the past that chocolate is my soulmate. When these little puppies arrived at my door, compliments of one Ms. Alison Krepp, I certainly was convinced. I mean really - you can get these things DELIVERED TO YOUR DOORSTEP!!!! I am so glad my friends know me so well :)

Me and Dorothy

2011-07-19T16:17:00.003-04:00

While reading my first of many research papers to prep for my first of many abstracts to submit to my first of many symposiums, I find the sentence...

“We suggest that the association of emotion-focused coping with dysfunctional outcomes is closely related to the way it has been operationalized in coping measures”

…I am most certainly not in Kansas anymore.

Wow...I have entered a whole new world!

Voices from Afar

2011-07-01T23:02:00.006-04:00

On Father's Day my family had a picnic. I was flying to Panama so I obviously was not in Pennsylvania at the picnic, but my uncle Mike took some video and posted it on his facebook page. For the past few minutes I've sat here and listened to it. Not so much watched as listened. Listening to people talking and people laughing. To be honest, when I think about family picnics the first thing that I actually think about is people's voices. Usually so many people are talking at once that you can't figure out what conversation is going on where...that is unless you were actually born in this family and then it's really obvious because you've been doing this all your life. And there are so many people running in and out of each conversation that you lose track of who said what. And so I sat there and listened. I listened to the voices that I miss so much, and the laughs that make me laugh just to hear them.

There was one voice and one laugh that I didn't hear. It's not that I expected to hear it as if as I was watching the video I thought suddenly my mom would be there. But the sound of the picnic just didn't seem right without it. But then why would it?

I never noticed how much you miss a person's voice until I wanted so desperately to hear my mom. I wanted to hear her say anything. We watched videos just waiting for there to be a place she talked. We called her old cell phone waiting for it to go to voicemail so we could hear her say her name. We have an old answering machine message that I have copied onto my phone and sometimes I just listen to it pretending it's not one of the only links to that voice I have. It doesn't really matter what she is saying, just hearing her voice is enough.

It's interesting I think how so often we go through life not noticing our senses other than sight. Sitting here and listening to the picnic with my eyes closed, listening to these voices I know so well, laughs I could pick out of a crowd, reminds me that not every moment is based on what you see...sometimes it's based on what you hear.

Moments

2011-06-30T13:17:00.006-04:00

Having done this a few times I recognized the importance of moments while in Panama this year. When you are that hot, tired, uncomfortable, hungry, moody, out of your comfort zone...you get the picture...you need to take moments and appreciate the beauty that they offer in and of themselves, ignoring everything else surrounding that moment.

Through the process of grief I realized that it's actually extremely helpful if you treat life the same way. There are in fact good days. And there are good weeks. And there are even good years. But most of the time there are good moments. And what I've found is that I need to appreciate them for what they are rather than trying to make them extend into a day or a week or a year. And so I've decided to have a new category on my blog for these moments. Many of those moments are not on a camera, but some of them are...and this is one of them...

The Return to Normalcy

2011-06-29T14:08:00.005-04:00

My brain is definitely not sure what is going on. I feel like I'm different but everything around me is the same. The best I can offer up is this...

I'm in the office.
I can't believe I'm back in the US.
I can't believe that Panama is over.
I have 225 e-mails to read.
I miss my snacks.
I miss my naps.
I miss my people.
I miss praying for the vast majority of my day.
I can't believe I'm back in the US.
I can't believe that Panama is over.

As is usual, I don't really have the words to describe the trip yet...it usually takes me a few days if not weeks to really get my brain around the whole thing. But we are back. And all is well.

Beautiful

2011-06-17T09:27:00.001-04:00

Day 30: a photo you find beautiful

My mom would have turned 56 this week. There is little about my mom I don't find beautiful, but for some reason from the time I saw this going through pictures last August I have always thought she looks beautiful here.

Lucus

2011-06-16T14:14:00.002-04:00

Day 29: a photo of your favorite person from history

OK, so perhaps this is a cop out, but I'm not feeling a serious post right now and I can't think of anyone who would be my favorite person from history that wouldn't sound cheesy, so...I'm going to use the word 'person' and the word 'history' VERY loosely. Meet Lucas.

Which one is Lucas, you say? The suitcase of course. He wears a permanent name tag.

Now that you are thoroughly confused, let me explain. Anyone who has read the Panama blogs knows that life gets a little intense on the islands. I mean when this seems like a relaxing moment you have problems.

So, you take your moments of entertainment where you can get them. And this actually starts prior to ever stepping foot on the islands. The process of packing meds can make a person go a little crazy as well. We have literal pallets of medicine to deal with! After the medicine is broken down from the manufactures packaging (which wastes tons of space and weight) and redistributed into ziplocks (much less space and weight), the meds are organized into suitcases. Last year we tried something new and had people assigned to know what was in each of the suitcases at all times so that we could answer any questions about them and so that we could find anything we needed. Jen and I were assigned this task, which involved organizing the medicine by island so that each island got equal amounts of each type of med, organizing those into bags so we knew what was in each bag and then assigning an number to have an easy reference (i.e. in the case of finding out a kid just split his head open, Jen and I could grab our lists and yell 'pull bag 10, we need the suture kit...oh and you think I'm kidding about that don't you).

So, all that to say that when we were organizing and numbering all the bags we found Lucas. Lucas has traveled with us to the island for many years, but for some reason he's never received a number (the bags were often numbered we just didn't really use the numbers all that much). If you look at Lucas again you may be able to guess the number we assigned him. 11. His yellow straps made it look like he had already chosen his number and for some reason this made us laugh really hard, and as a result made us love Lucas. Then the fact that we had a name for Lucas made us love him more and made us start referring to him as him rather than it, which made us laugh harder, which made us love Lucas all the more...I think you see my point here. At the end of the trip when we were deciding which suitcases to leave with the extra medicine for our soldiers we did not have to think very long before we knew that Lucas was made for the assignment (if you don't know why we had soldiers please refer to the About Panama section). We were sad to see Lucas go, but he is now happily traveling the Kuna Islands with our soldiers making their lives hopefully a little bit better rather than being locked up in a storage unit for 9 months out of the year.

Which brings us to this year's med packing. We have 13 people going this year, which means we can take 26 bags, which is awesome because it means we can take more medicine, but it also means we didn't have enough suitcases. Jen and I, being assigned the suitcase organization job again, went on search of cheap suitcases that would fit the bill. Goodwill was not assisting very much (although we did finally find some at one of the Goodwills in Charleston), so we hit up T.J. Maxx...where we found a new Lucas!

As it turns out there is a whole family of Lucases! Big Lucases, little Lucases, carry-on Lucases, backpack Lucases - it was AMAZING!

Jen and I ended up being able to get two big roller Lucases for medicine and then we found a little Lucas backpack for her. And then yesterday, Jen showed up at church and said 'oh, Becky I forgot, I found something that I thought you may want to take to Panama'...and produced...

...my very own Lucas. And so, I think the moral of day 29 is a) Lucas is awesome and b) Panama packing makes people crazy :)

Waiting for the Sunrise

2011-06-10T23:35:00.003-04:00

All I need is a sunrise
Just a moment of dawn
I am lost in the twilight
But I will close my eyes and move on
I am tired in the waiting
Even though it's gonna take me
A little more time
Just a little more time the sun's gonna find me

Sunrise - by Brandon Heath (in case you can't tell those words above are edited from this song)

Dance Recitals

2011-06-09T10:49:00.006-04:00

Day 28: a photo of something/somebody that made your day

On Sunday I found out that my grandfather has a malignant tumor in his throat. I found this information out on the way to Makaella's (my friend Leslie's daughter) dance recital. Watching adorable 2 year old kids dancing on a stage made my day.

Today I read the e-mail my uncle sent outlining what the doctor visit yesterday determined about my grandfather's malignant tumor in his throat, which let's suffice to say is not good. The next e-mail was pictures from Emily's (my friend Andrea's daughter) dance recital that was Tuesday. The fact that a) she wanted to get a picture with me and b) I was instructed to hold her flowers while we did so makes this picture kinda make my day.

3 little letters

2011-06-06T12:26:00.005-04:00

Day 27: a photo of something you are looking forward to

Half of me is excited, the other half is intimidated and nervous. Yesterday I got my acceptance letter for the Medical University of South Carolina's PhD in Health and Rehabilitation Science. Ideally, in four years I will be adding 3 little letters to the end of my name...3 little letters that are going to involve A LOT of studying!

By the way, for those of you I haven't talked to since I applied...yeah, it's kinda crazy, eh?

Under the Sea

2011-05-27T14:32:00.004-04:00

Wow, I recognize my complete and utter silence in the blog-o-sphere. All I can say is sorry, life has been crazy the past few weeks...who am I kidding, it's been crazy the past few months and all the craziness is adding up and making the final weeks of my crazed existence that much less doable without nearly going crazy myself! But, the end is in sight. Today at 4:00 starts a 3 day weekend in which I plan to a) not travel anywhere, b) sleep...a lot, and c) exercise...no really, I will...ok, I'll at least take Kaylinn to exercise and so one of us will :) But back to the task at hand...

Day 26: a photo of your favorite subject in school

Was there an ocean involved? I was there. Oh, how I miss diving. You get spoiled living in Florida where you can literally walk off the beach and dive under the water...somewhat similar to how my dad and I dove at Cayman Islands...

ahh, to lay on the bottom of the ocean and look up at the surface watching your bubbles float to the top...I need to go to the Caribbean...

Inspire

2011-05-18T22:37:00.004-04:00

Day 25: a photo that inspires you

One month from tomorrow we will be leaving for Panama. This picture inspires me to pray.

When I Grow Up

2011-05-08T14:42:00.001-04:00

Day 24: a photo of what you want to be when you grow up

This is a picture of my mom and I. When I grow up I want to be the person she always believed me to be able to be. I want to be the person that she imagined me to be when she looked at me the way she is looking at me in this picture. No one on earth looks at you the way your mom looks at you. I am blessed that I had 32 years for her to look at me that way. That is all I have to say about my first Mother's Day without my mom.

This is not how it should be.
this is not how is could be.
But this is how it is.
And our God is in control.

Baby Feet

2011-05-02T10:01:00.003-04:00

Day 23: a photo of something you want to do someday

The one thing I can say I truly want to do more than anything else while on this earth is kiss the sweet little feet of a baby that is mine. The path through which my child becomes mine is not as important as they fact that they are in fact...mine. What God has in store for me as far as that category of life is yet to be seen...but I trust whatever he has in store is what he knows is best for me.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He shall give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass … Rest in the Lord, and wait patiently for Him.” (Psalm 37:4,7)

Crazy Walkers

2011-04-28T08:37:00.003-04:00

Day 22: a photo that you associate a good memory with

There is little on earth I find as utterly entertaining as my family. And from what I hear from my friends, there is little on earth THEY find as entertaining as MY family. We are just that crazy. This picture kinda sums it up for me.

This picture was taken the night before my Aunt Cindy's (the one in pink) wedding. And that night was pretty much classic Walker. Let me give you a quick rundown...the day started pretty calm with a few of us meeting my aunt at a salon so we could get our nails done and she could get a massage or facial (I forget which). At this point I remembered why I love my family. At any given moment things are going in 10 different directions, people are holding a solid 3 to 4 different conversations with different people, there are usually about 4 problems that are being solved simultaneously while about 5 more problems are being made, and yet somehow we find this to be not stressful...it's just the way it is. Once done at the salon, we head to the hotel where everyone eventually gathers in the lobby to head to the pizza pre-wedding party. Now, so that you have an understanding of the size of the Walker family, you should know that there are 6 kids and each kid has numerous kids...and all of us inherited the crazy gene. Hence it was obviously necessary for us to coordinate the travel to the pizza place with...wait for it...walkie talkies. I'm not kidding you, we did.

So, pizza was good, we took up half of one of the rooms and we definitely THAT table (or set of tables as it were). We definitely lost the video camera at some point, lost a few people as well, but we eventually found them all and headed back to the hotel for a "calm" evening. All the girls (well most of the girls) gathered in Cindy's room to finish up the "last few items on the list of things to do". Note that I put that in quotes. I wish I had a picture of our faces as Cindy read the list...it went something along the lines of...finish up the ring pillow, glue, fold and stuff all the programs, finish the dress (yes, the dress), select all the music for the ceremony and the special dances at the reception and get it on CDs...I think you get the picture, it was NOT a small list. The picture above was taken sometime around the time we were all starting to separate into groups so that we could get everything done (good thing to have a big family at this point) and the way everyone is looking at everyone else just cracks me up.

Oh, but there's more. Doing all of that the night before the wedding wouldn't have been nearly enough craziness, so we decided to add in a bit more...the missing whereabouts of the wedding rings and the passports necessary for leaving that weekend for a cruise. Watching the video camera as people slowly find out is hysterical. Each person's face is priceless, and their initial reaction was so perfect for each of their personalities. Eventually, they were found, and the wedding went off without a hitch...would you expect anything less from a mass quantity of Walker genes? Ahhh, good times, people, good times.

It Is Well

2011-04-25T11:16:00.007-04:00

Last night I attended the funeral of Joe Bazzle, a main-stay in my church and a pretty major punch in the gut to find out he had passed last Thursday. It was the first funeral I had attended since my mom's. I knew it was going to be hard to handle one on more levels than one, but I also knew that I needed to go. The last song we sang before I left to help the ladies serve the food for the family was 'It Is Well'. If you have never heard of the story behind It Is Well, you should read it because that alone is inspiring. The first stanza, however, pretty much says it all...

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,
When sorrows like sea billows roll;
Whatever my lot, Thou has taught me to say,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

The stanza that caught my heart last night was the third one we sang. I don't know that I ever realized the way it was phrased with him starting a line, then literally interrupting it to say how amazing a thought it is, and then finishing it.

My sin, oh, the bliss of this glorious thought!
My sin, not in part but the whole,
Is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more,
Praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

Last week was a little odd for me. We passed the 8 month mark since my mom died. For some reason it hit me relatively hard, although it was almost all subconscious, which had it's own form of oddness. Rather than thinking about my mom all the time (as happened on other month markers), it was as if my brain was in fact thinking about her, but didn't bother telling me. I only knew because I wasn't in the right mood, I was edgy and impatient randomly and for no good reason, my body was physically showing stress even though I wasn't feeling stressed, and I was exhausted but couldn't sleep. I have no idea if this is really making any sense, but suffice to say that it was weird to experience. All week I battled whether it was my emotions trying to get the better of me, or emotions that I needed to express and get out, or a combination of the two. It was an exercise in questioning myself on why I was feeling stressed, addressing it, and then doing it again...and again...and again. After a whole lot of soul searching that culminated in experiencing a funeral to question the very things I had been questioning all week, I can sing with Horatio Spafford that it really is well with my soul. My brain may still have to work things out from time to time, but it is well will my soul...and in the end, isn't that the most important part?

It is well, with my soul,
It is well, it is well, with my soul.

Can you blame me?

2011-04-19T21:32:00.003-04:00

Day 21: a photo of somebody you find attractive

Clearly a woman was doing the casting for the Pirates movies :)

Strawberry Shortcake

2011-04-18T10:56:00.002-04:00

Day 20: a photo of something you ate today

Strawberry shortcake either Walker or Wolgamuth style - not sure which, but it was my mom's style. Bisquick biscuits, strawberries, milk and sugar...and you serve it for dinner :)

The Saga of the Goggles

2011-04-13T10:16:00.006-04:00

Day 19: a photo of your favorite thing from school

So I have to admit I was a bit confused on this one. Upon some consultation with Maia we decided it was a photo of something that you enjoyed doing or something you liked while in school. So...I think the answer is obvious...SWIMMING! I flipped back through some old photos and found this very spectacular one of me when I was about 10 or 11 I think...

Yep, that is in fact pretty awesome. That is my very first swimming relay team - Samantha, Courtney, Andrea, and me. All of us looking pretty excited about life in general really. And with this picture (as all good pictures) comes a story. Notice that my goggles are the only colored ones. If you could see this picture up close you would also see that my goggles are the only ones that have an slant to the lens. And there is a very good reason for this...

I was terrified of my goggles coming off when I dove in the water. DEATHLY TERRIFIED. I'm talking to the point that while I loved, loved, loved, swimming, I seriously contemplated (with my dad as my sounding board, because that's what good dad's do) how maybe I should just not dive at the start because there was obviously no way in the world I would be able to continue my race if my goggles fell off. Yes, I realize this is absurd. Swimmer's goggles fall off all the time, heck, Michael Phelps lost his goggles in one of his gold medal swims at the Olympics (and obviously didn't just finish but won...the Olympics). Clearly it shouldn't have been that big of a deal. But, clearly, to me, it was.

And so at some point along the way my wonderful, intelligent dad devised a very wonderful, intelligent plan. He took me to pick out a pair of new goggles. Goggles that would certainly stay on my head no matter what and were designed - yes, specifically designed - to stay on my head when I dove in. That was the purpose of the slant on the lens he said. Obviously, it made sense. And obviously from that point forward I never worried about my goggles because my dad said they wouldn't fall off...and they never fell off. Once I was older I could see the brilliance in my dad's plan. I highly doubt those goggles were DESIGNED to not fall off your head when you dove in. But, it was a pretty easy case to make considering the whole force of water, and such, being less on an angled surface. And when I stopped concentrating on my goggles ALL the time I ended up being pretty decent at swimming. And once I became good at swimming I realized that really you could in fact swim a race EVEN if you goggles fell off.

In the end, goggles, like many other pieces of sports equipment became one of those things that become part of you. As a swimmer, you have them on so often that you begin to bond with them, and when they break you go to all sorts of elaborate schemes to make them work or find just the right ones to replace them. I eventually released the slant ones, and had a specific pair of super tight silicone ones that I raced with and a different pair of foam and plastic ones that I practiced with, then I eventually got into sweedish goggles, but never would race in them because as much as I wanted to rationally say it didn't matter, there were only specific goggles I would ever race in (yes, because of the falling off thing). And yes, I did swim a race one time with my goggles filling up with water the whole time and lived to tell about it.

But yet, the importance of the right goggles continued until the last race I ever swam...and really even now when I just go in to swim laps in the pool. As I was flipping through pics to find the one for this post, though, I found one of my favorite goggle pictures of all time. It was after swimming Championships my junior year of college. That was possibly my favorite year of college and those were some of my favorite goggles (with tape across the nose piece because the plastic always cut into my nose and yet I love them so). Some things don't change, girls with goggles finding life entertaining :)

Cue Random Cannon Fire

2011-04-12T10:31:00.006-04:00

Day 18: a photo of your town

This is a picture of downtown Charleston as taken from just outside my office 5 minutes ago...yes I recognize I am totally spoiled. It is true, this is in fact where I go to work every day:

Within 6 months of taking a 2 year fellowship in Charleston I knew that I loved it and could easily stay here...that was 8 years ago...obviously I was right :)

Today is a particularly interesting day in Charleston, which makes it kind of funny that today's picture was a picture of your town. 150 years ago today the Civil War started...yes, I recognize that to most of the world April 12 is not a big deal...in Charleston, it's a VERY big deal, believe me. To commemorate it there has been random cannon fire all day yesterday and today from various places around the harbor which makes it funny talking to people about normal work stuff and randomly hearing a cannon shot :) This morning they had a big memorial thing since the first shot was fired from here at Ft. Johnson towards Ft. Sumter...this is literally a 2 minute walk from where I am sitting right now:

Maia and I chose to have breakfast at the Lost Dog Cafe in Folly and let the crowd of people and buses and cars clear out of work before we headed out here, but everyone who was gathered at the point saw this:
Charleston has this amazing quality of being a city, but not, being a historical mecca but also a college town, having a weird mix of hippies, and yuppies, and regular old blue collar workers...it is all around a wonderful place to live. I love the farmers market and the fact I can get to the beach in 10 minutes, that I can walk people visiting me through downtown and look out at the harbor while talking about sleeping porches and lounging under live oak trees, I love walking in the woods in April and breathing in the fall breeze in October, and as much as the summer humidity kicks your butt, it is beautiful in it's own right. Charleston is a good town to call your town :)

Run Walkers Run

2011-04-08T12:10:00.003-04:00

Day 17: a photo from a trip you'll never forget

There are SO MANY pictures of trips that fit this label I've been trying to decide what to post. Finally I determined that my procrastination is not making this blog get any more interesting and so I decided to choose one that I never had until Lisa sent me the 4 pictures of us that she could find (we for some reason have issues remembering to take pictures when we are together - we have been friends for over 20 years and I think have a total of 6 pictures together - I am not joking!) ...hence I have chosen my trip to Chicago to run the Chicago Marathon with Brandy and my Dad.

First of all, anyone who has run a marathon knows you are doubtful to forget it, secondly, it was classic Walker trip with ceilings falling in, hobbling through the streets of Chicago as we try to sight see after running 26.2 miles, and generally having fun with each other and friends...who came to Chicago to see us run you ask?! Why my gloriously wonderful Lisa, Kathleen and Tim found their ways (some longer than others) into town to see me and make what will forever go down in history as the best marathon sign ever...Run Walkers Run...they realized after holding it for a while and getting some odd looks that people may possibly be misinterpreting the Walkers to not be our last name and instead be those who were walking...opps :) I say deal with life. They were at the finish line, if you walking the last .2 miles you SHOULD be told to run!

The South

2011-03-29T20:57:00.004-04:00

We interrupt this regularly scheduled programming (i.e. the picture a day...or a week...don't judge me) for this important message. I was provided tonight of yet 2 more reasons to love the South and therefore I decided to share with you...

Why I love the South:
1. Sweet tea (no seriously, I would live here possibly just for this)
2. Shrimp and grits
3. The fact I wore short sleeve shirts last week (this week not so much, but whatever)
4. Southern accents (honestly, moving up on my list of favorite accents ever)
5. The use of y'all - specifically in the phrase 'hush, y'all'
6. The fact that it's totally acceptable to climb in the back of a pick up truck and say 'stop when you see anything that's alive so we can shoot it'
7. The fact that it's totally acceptable to answer the statement 'I can't believe we didn't see anything' with 'I told you about that heron but nobody wanted to kill it'

In some ways I'm glad we didn't see anything since they told the three of us without guns when we asked if they wanted to switch sides as they were looking out for things on our side of the truck, 'oh, we'll tell you when to duck'. Riiiiiight :)

Cousins Galore

2011-03-21T22:15:00.002-04:00

Day 16: a photo from your childhood

The summer, your cousins and a pool - does it get better than that?

I Heart

2011-03-19T16:33:00.005-04:00

Day 15: a photo of you and a family member

I think our shirts say it all. This was the beginning of Brandy's birthday party which involves a bounce house, and enormous cupcake and Brandy wearing a tutu...it's as spectacular as it sounds. :)

Emphasis on the (s)

2011-03-17T10:39:00.013-04:00

Day 14: a photo of your best friend (s)

This one is going to take a few pics - I have too many and they are from many different times and aspects of my life so I don't have a photo of everyone in one place. I have always said, however, that you have different best friends to help you through different times and in different ways. So...an ode to my wonderful, incredible, I couldn't do it without you friends...

So, first and foremost and much of the reason I will still be grieving when I'm 80, is that when I think of who my best friend is, the first person that pops into my mind is my mom. She was the person that I called when I knew what I needed to hear was that I should get over myself, it wasn't that big of a deal, I could do it because I was more than just a pretty face and that I couldn't let the world get me down, regardless of how bad it might get. Believe me, you need to hear that a lot more often than you think. When I want to lay in bed and cry instead of get up and face the day, I remind myself she would be yelling at me right now :) She was and will forever be my best friend.
Then there is my sister - if you missed Day 10, go there for an explanation of why she is on my list of best friends. My life wouldn't be what it is if she was not on this list.
Next up, my Panama girls. When life gets you down, there is very little that cannot be fixed by laughs with people who love you, some sushi, and a piece of Toll House Pie. And if your friends know which bite of the pie is your favorite, and let you have that bite even when you are eating the pie for their birthday, you can certainly say they are your best friends! I'm going to give an extra special shout out, however, to Allison, who has possibly listened to me talk about my mom enough that she knows her, cooked enough meals with me that she knows where everything is in my kitchen, and lost enough sleep sitting around talking that she has added a few days to her life :) And Kaylinn doesn't bark at her when she comes over...that, ladies and gentlemen is a large compliment in Kaylinn land!

Speaking of people who are paid the high compliment of not being barked at when they visit, we have Ashley (who by the way is going to kill me that this is the picture I put on here of her - it's all I had on my computer!! It just says we need to take more pictures together :) If I need someone to cry with, Ashley is who I am going to call. And if I need someone to distract me from crying, Ashley is who I am going to visit, because you cannot be around her sweet, adorable children and feel sad, that is for sure!

You know the friends who you can call and it never seems like you haven't talked to them in months? Those are good friends. Life is busy and while I wish I talked to people more, when it comes right down to it, I don't. And so, in honor of them, I put up a picture of Rachel and I in Guatemala...yes, that was 6 years ago now, which I know because her little boy, who was the reason we were there turned 6 this week. What? Where has time gone?

Rachel, Lisa, Kathleen, I don't know what I would do without them. People who know where you've been and when you talk to them know the hard questions to ask and how hard they are to answer. They also know when you don't want to talk about the hard questions and instead let you ask them the hard questions. It is rare to find someone that stands up as a friend years after you've lived in the same town....or even state.

And then, there are the people that put up with you every day and amazingly, still love you :) I might need to subtitle this photo 'Kim, you were right, all the pictures are of just Maia and I'. But I did find one that they are both in, and thus, you have two of my work necessities - Maia and Kim. If I paid someone for all the therapy Maia has offered me through our coffee breaks I would be more than broke! And it's good to have someone who can tell in your voice that you had a rough morning. Having someone that knows you that well is hard to find.

I am blessed to have aunts that are friends. I one time read a quote that said 'only an aunt can give hugs like a mother, keep secrets like a sister, and love like a friend'. I have to say that much of the reason I could walk through this grief with the grace and strength people keep telling me I have is because of my aunts. Another reason I love my aunts is that they remind me that you can laugh at anything, and it's the laughing that will make the difference. This is Brandy and my Aunt Dona wondering what the cubby hole in the couch was in our room during the bone marrow transplant. If you can laugh like we did standing in as many hospital rooms as we did, you have someone who can get you through just about anything! (by the way, I was also going to post a picture of my aunts on my dad's side but have decided to keep that one for day 22...)

Some days I realize how amazing my job really is. And I usually realize it when I'm talking to the people who make my job amazing. I think I could collect trash with the NERRS people and still have fun :) So, for all the times I've needed to e-mail Lisa during a conference call to keep from going crazy, or all the laughs Nicole and I have stifled in the midst of a meeting, or all the looks given across the room knowing full well the other person would know what that look meant, or the absurd number of times Alison and I have shown up to a meeting dressed alike just to show how our brains think alike, or the times I call Tina just to make sure I'm not going crazy, I present a picture of Lisa and Steve in Mexico during our last NERR meeting. Any group that can work a dodgeball championship into a meeting is a group I want to stay part of!

And then there is my church. I honestly don't know what hole I would be curled up in if it wasn't for them. I also don't have a ton of pictures of everyone I love from church, so this picture of Cynthia and I at the International Picnic shall suffice. Cynthia, Pam, and Tina especially - For all the love, and direction, and guidance, and hugs, and tissues, and laughs, and lunches, and dinners, and smiles, and moments of pure peace and joy that you give me - I love you :)

I find it funny that I also don't have a picture of Andrea on my computer. Andrea is one of those friends who you have had so long, and has seen you through so much that you can't imagine life without them. Andrea and I met when we were doing a summer internship in 1999 - yes people, 1999. From the moment we realized that we both had the same stuffed animal dolphin, it was all over. These days our weekly coffee visits involve more reading of Curious George and Cinderella than they did 5 years ago, but that's what happens when life happens :) And so, since there was no picture of Andrea on my computer, we will substitute it with a picture of me and her adorable daughter, Emily :)

Last but not least is the furry little ball of happiness that greets me like she has been sitting by the door awaiting my arrival since the moment I left (which she likely has). Anyone who has a dog knows that a dog truly is man's best friend.

Fat Guy in a Little Coat

2011-03-16T14:00:00.006-04:00

Day 13: a photo of one of your favorite movies

Without question, one of my favorite movies of all time is Tommy Boy. I can't even think about that movie without starting to laugh..."I've seen a lot of stuff in my life, but that...was...AWESOME...sorry about your car, man."

Some Days

2011-03-16T13:57:00.001-04:00

Some days I look at what I’m doing and I think ‘why did my job require a degree which involved diving with sharks, running research on corals and identifying sponges?’ Today as I listened to a webinar on green building standards and codes, while setting up a survey to evaluate a 4 day workshop, I thought that.

Fun Times

2011-03-10T09:06:00.006-05:00

Day 12: a photo of when you were happy

This is Christmas of 2007 - geez it doesn't seem that long ago! We were renting a beach house on Folly for post Christmas and New Years. Making and eating cookies, doing puzzles, taking walks on the beach and doing a scrapbook for my Aunt Cindy of her wedding filled our days. Watching the recent season of LOST and eating more cookies filled our nights. My mom was there to keep us well fed and well laughed. What was not to be happy about? Well, for Kaylinn and Dudley perhaps the hats :)

Sugar Overload

2011-03-09T13:46:00.003-05:00

Day 11: a photo of a night you loved

This picture was taken at the end of a spectacularly fun evening last December filled with driving through the 'Festival of Lights' at James Island County Park, dancing to Trans Siberian Orchestra timed lights in the park, eating mass quantities of s'mores and drinking hot chocolate out of my Christmas china. Granted I got to send sugar filled children home with their parents, so I'm pretty sure my evening was far more enjoyable than theirs :)

God Gave Me You

2011-03-08T11:04:00.005-05:00

Day 10: any photo you like for any reason

Today is my sister Brandy's 30th birthday. She is the cute one on the right.

I love this photo. It reminds me of the smell of the tent and the feel of those sleeping bags. It reminds me of waking up to my mom cooking on the fire outside. It reminds me of my dad hiking us into the woods and then telling Brandy and I to get us out (to this day I credit my good sense of direction to this practice). It reminds me of a time when life was simpler - as a kid you never recognize the beauty of waking up every day and trusting that your parents are going to do what it best for you that day and you can just go about being a kid. That feeling is what makes me want to help kids who have never and may never have the luxury of feeling that because of where they were born. It is a blessing to be able to look at this picture and be reminded of a childhood well spend, intensely enjoyed, and blissfully loved.

But this picture also reminds me of the most incredible relationship I think I have, the relationship with my sister. There are a lot of things that come and go in life, but your siblings are here to stay for better or for worse. I am blessed that I have a sister who is as willing as I am to work on making our relationship be something that others envy rather than pity. It's not easy to love someone - truly love them, not love them just when it's convenient. It's not easy to stand by someone in the rough times and the good times and be as strong a supporter in one as you are in the other. I am utterly and wonderfully blessed by Brandy being that person. This morning when I woke up the radio was playing 'God Gave Me You', which I know was written about marriage, but Brandy and I both agree the first stanza and chorus works for us...

I’ve been a walking heartache
I’ve made a mess of me
The person that I’ve been lately
Ain’t who I wanna be
But you stay here right beside me
Watch as the storm goes through
And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs
God gave me you for the days of doubt
For when I think I’ve lost my way
There are no words here left to say, it’s true
God gave me you

So, who else could I post a photo of today other than my wonderful sister, who God gave to me for the ups and downs of life. Happy Birthday Brandy!

Big Boned

2011-03-07T12:21:00.006-05:00

Day 9: a photo of yourself when you were a baby

As you can see I was rather large...I'm big boned, ok! Well, that or just totally and utterly huge. You may think I'm 6 months old in this picture, but as it turns out this was during the time when dates were printed on the back of photos and according to that date, I am...wait for it...one month old. Yes, 1 month. You know, the time of life when some babies can be laid in their dad's hand for cute photos. I'm the size of my mom's torso! Apparently, my parents used to call me the Michelin baby because I had so many rolls...you can see where I got my healthy self esteem from :) I'm not certain how a 100 pound woman gave birth to not only one, but two nearly 10 pound babies, but she did. And the rest, as they say is history.

I am missing my sweet mom this week...not that I don't miss her every week, but after spending a week in PA where I should have been hanging out with her it's hard coming back and knowing I'll never get to do that again. She would have loved me finding this picture in my pile of old photos :)

I Scream for Ice Cream

2011-03-06T20:45:00.004-05:00

Day 8: a photo of something you enjoy doing

Eating gelati's from Rita's...or snowballs from Bonkey's in New Freedom...or Frosty's from Wendy's...or milkshakes from Chick-Fil-A...or sherbert from Ye Old Fashioned...or chocolate ice cream with two scoops of raspberries from Cold Stone...are you catching my theme??? If it's a frozen dessert with tons of sugar and excessive calories I more than likely love eating it. And hence the picture of Nikole and I eating gelatis while sitting in the car with the heat on because it was so cold outside is today's winning picture...you have to sacrifice for deliciousness people.

What if I'm the One

2011-03-02T09:39:00.006-05:00

Day 7: a photo of something you stand for

This is a picture from the end of my 30th birthday Habitat for Humanity build. It represents a few things I stand for...1) you can in fact make a difference in the world, 2) you should in fact actually go about doing it rather than talking about it, 3) it usually comes in very different forms and with much less pomp than people want to make it out to be, 4) you are truly blessed if you have family and friends who will help you do it, and 5) fun is what you make of it.

You never know what your one effort will do in the lives of the people you impact, which is why I stand with James and say 'But someone may well say, "You have faith and I have works; show me your faith without the works, and I will show you my faith by my works." (James 2:18)

Brandon Heath - The One

"When I think of what could be
If we let our hearts believe
That it takes just one
Just one could turn this all around

And if we're living history
How will they think of you and me
If it takes just one, just one
What if, what if, what if I'm the one?"

Love

2011-02-26T12:16:00.003-05:00

Day 6: a photo of someone you love

I love this picture. And I love my Dad. Hence, I think it's the perfect choice for today's post. Here is one taken a little more recently :)

Laugh

2011-02-25T07:27:00.003-05:00

Day 5: a photo that makes you laugh

This is pirate night on the Disney cruise that my mom, Brandy, Nikole, and I went on. Nikole (as normal) was refusing to smile for the camera, and so Brandy was trying to make her laugh so I could in essence catch one....instead I caught this :)

As Long As I'm Here

2011-02-24T11:50:00.003-05:00

Day 4: a photo of a place you'd like to visit

That is a very odd picture for this category you might be thinking...so let me explain. I have a list of places I'd like to visit that would rival just about anyone's I am pretty sure. I even made a bucket list a few years ago and realized most of the things on the list were places to visit. Australia, Machu Picchu, Costa Rica, Galapagos Islands, the Great Wall, the Pyramids, pretty much every National Park on the list...the list could go on forever.

So why is the picture of a place I'd like to visit a little girl in Managua, Nicaragua? The short answer is, my plans for what I want to do in my lifetime has changed. Be very careful when you honestly tell God that you want to do His will, because His will is not living it up in luxury. When you ask God to help you to love the things he loves, you start to love little girls in Managua, Nicaragua with a runny nose and a bowl of food bigger than their head, which might be the only meal they eat that week. You start to love sweaty nights in Panama laying in your hammock while praying for an island of people you didn't know 12 hours ago, and will likely never see again. You start to love finding ways to raise money to give to people who will never be able to pay you back. Because God loves those people and he needs hands and feet in this world to love them through.

I didn't actually realize the complete shift that had happened in my heart until I had to pick a picture for this day. While there were plenty of places to choose from nothing was screaming out to me. I figured it would come to me eventually so I saved the first line of my post listing what this photo was and went to work. When I got there my dad had sent me pictures of his mission trip to Nicaragua and my heart melted when I saw them. All of the sudden I realized I actually really wanted to go where God told me to go. I always thought that was a cop out more or less, the answer people who didn't really like to travel gave when asked where they wanted to go. And I certainly didn't think people really meant it, I thought they were in essence settling for it. But I really mean it. While I'd love to lay on a beach in Cabo, or dive the Great Barrier Reef, or wander through canyons in Utah, I'd equally love to set up clinic in the Kuna Islands and hand out Tylenol, bumbling through explaining it in Spanish. It was really a major moment when I realized it sitting there in my office crying over the pictures my dad had taken of sweet little children and their sweet little smiles.

And so, I decided that the place I'd like to visit is the place that I can do something for someone who can't do something for me. It's humbling to realize that God could change my heart that much, and yet he says not to rejoice in that but to rejoice in the fact that my name is written in heaven (Luke 10:20). And hence my picture is not so much a place as it is a person. Sweet little faces, who Jesus said of 'the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these' (Matt 19:14).

My dad asked the missionaries in Nicaragua what he could do to help once he got back to the U.S. and they said that one of the biggest needs the kids have is school uniforms. School is free, but if you don't have a uniform you can't go. It costs $25, which in a country where the average annual income is $3, you are talking a hefty price. Unfortunately because of corruption it's safer to transfer money into their account than sew and mail actual uniforms, otherwise we would do it that way. So, if you would like to send my dad or me a check for $25, he is collecting money to send to the missionaries in Managua for uniforms.. If you need our address comment on this or send me an e-mail.

I am going to finish up with another Brandon Heath song (I know, it's obvious I'm somewhat obsessed with his CD). I think though it sums up where I am right now in the way only a song can do - Brandon Heath - As Long As I'm Here

Someday I'll pass through the great sky above
And the first thing I'll ask is how well did I love
Did I leave the world any better than it was before?
Of all the things I've done, could I have done anymore?

It's Alright

2011-02-23T22:25:00.004-05:00

Last night my cousin Mikey died. I will never forget how excited he was to have coffee after Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner at my parents house. It's one of those defining aspects of family holidays growing up for me.

This is a beautiful song from a CD my dad sent me that makes me cry thinking about my mom opening her eyes in heaven. I don't know all that much about heaven, being on this side of it, but I hope that my mom and grandmother were there to welcome Mikey in when he opened his eyes. It's the one bright side of yet another one of my family members being there. - It's Alright by Brandon Heath

Happy

2011-02-22T00:03:00.002-05:00

Day 3: a photo that makes you happy

This photo makes me happy for sure. A) it's hysterical which makes me happy, B) it's from my spectacularly fun weekend visit from Kathleen and Jimmy which makes me happy, and C) Kathleen and Jimmy on their own make me happy, so a photo with them does too :) Between walking around the ACE Basin Wildlife Refuge, seeing hawks and retrievers and a Dock Dogs competition at Southeast Wildlife Expo, chasing the most beautiful and enormous moonrise ever to see it from a perfect spot, chowing down on Cuban, Thai, Mexican, and good old American food, driving with the top down in the Mini, and cruising slowly along the battery choosing which house we'd like to live it, it was a wonderfully relaxing and fun weekend. And Kaylinn is pretty much obsessed with our weekend visitors - she was very impressed they drove all the way from DC to play ball with her for 2 days :)

One Year Ago

2011-02-18T15:55:00.004-05:00

Day 2: a photo of yourself at least one year ago

I know, it's hard to believe but one year ago was "the business". If you missed "the business" and would like to read about it simply choose 'mom' from the labels and start from the bottom. This is a picture of my aunt, my mom, and I modeling the various mask options one is given at Johns Hopkins - masks were flowing and plentiful during "the business", that is for sure.

I find it somewhat interesting that today's photo label was 'a photo of yourself at least one year ago'. I find myself thinking about one year ago pretty often actually. I assume it's relatively normal in the first year. I have my mom's calendar from last year in my purse and every once and a while I open it up to see what she was doing last year at this time. There is something comforting about seeing her handwriting and thinking about her doing whatever she has written in there. The past 3 weeks haven't had anything written in because it was the bone marrow transplant weeks and so she wasn't allowed to do anything. Tomorrow of last year she wrote in 'Brandy leaves'. The tenuous first three weeks after the transplant were over. I had left the week before. Brandy was headed home to go back to work. While the white blood cells hadn't totally kicked in yet, they did seem to be starting to show some life in them. For all intents and purposes, the transplant had gone well. Six months to the day later we would be stamping our parking ticket from Hopkins for the last time. Six months after that I am writing this post. In the scheme of life six months is not a lot of time. And yet, some days I look at her picture and think of how long it feels like since I've talked to her. One year ago today was a very different world in my scheme of life.

A Photo Of You

2011-02-17T15:24:00.004-05:00

So many days I have a post in my head but the actual act of getting it onto the computer and out to the blogosphere evades me. So many days I look at a picture that I love, but don't have anyone to share it with. And so, I am going to do this photo-a-day thing my with Aunt Barb. I am not promising that all 30 are going to be right in a row, but it will at least I think, help me to get more of these thoughts out there, and share some of these pictures that make me smile.

Here is my photo today (Day 1: a photo of you):

This happens to be the most recent photo I have taken last week while Maia and I were attempting to stay warm on a birding trip at Bear Island WMA. We saw avocets and tundra swans and harrier hawks flying low over the marsh. It was pretty much a spectacular day all around...even if I did need to wear long underwear to get through it!

Day one: a photo of you.
Day two: a photo of yourself at least a year ago.
Day three: a photo that makes you happy.
Day four: a photo of a place you'd like to visit.
Day five: a photo that makes you laugh.
Day six: a photo of someone you love.
Day seven: a photo of something you stand for.
Day eight: a photo of something you enjoy doing.
Day nine: a photo of yourself when you were a baby.
Day ten: any photo you like for any reason.
Day eleven: a photo of a night you loved.
Day twelve: a photo of when you were happy.
Day thirteen: a photo of one of your favorite movies.
Day fourteen: a photo of your best friend (s).
Day fifteen: a photo of you and a family member.
Day sixteen: a photo from your childhood.
Day seventeen: a photo from a trip you'll never forget.
Day eighteen: a photo of your town.
Day nineteen: a photo of your favorite thing from school.
Day twenty: a photo of something you ate today.
Day twenty-one: a photo of somebody you find attractive.
Day twenty-two: a photo that you associate a good memory with.
Day twenty-three: a photo of something you want to do someday.
Day twenty-four: a photo of what you want to be when you grow up.
Day twenty-five: a photo that inspires you.
Day twenty-six: a photo of your favorite subject in school.
Day twenty-seven: a photo of something you are looking forward to.
Day twenty-eight: a photo of something/somebody that made your day.
Day twenty-nine: a photo of your favorite person from history.
Day thirty: a photo you find beautiful

Weekend of Change

2011-02-06T15:48:00.006-05:00

This week was both Becky and Kaylinn hair change up week, however, after a short bout of hair envy Brandy decided she was going to join the fun. And therefore, this week...

Kaylinn went from...
to...
I went from...
to...
And Brandy went from...
to...
Oh, and Maia, Allison and I got new nails...mine being purple. I figured, why not?

Good times people :)

Raindrops are falling on my head

2011-02-06T14:18:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, Brandy and I took a 5 mile run in pouring down rain. You may not be able to tell that our clothes started out 3 light shades and are at this point so full of water I'm pretty sure we weigh about 5 pounds more.

Love Never Fails You

2011-02-03T10:42:00.004-05:00

I heard this song on the way to work today. I've heard it before, but the words really hit me this morning. And, seeing as how it's February and all I figured lyrics to a song about love were appropriate. I would post the song itself, but I'm at work and YouTube is blocked so search the title and artist - it's worth a listen...

Love Never Fails
by Brandon Heath

Love is not proud
Love does not boast
Love after all
Matters the most

Love does not run
Love does not hide
Love does not keep
Locked inside

Love is the river that flows through
Love never fails you

Love will sustain
Love will provide
Love will not cease
At the end of time

Love will protect
Love always hopes
Love still believes
When you don’t

Love is the arms that are holding you
Love never fails you

When my heart won’t make a sound
When I can’t turn back around
When the sky is falling down
Nothing is greater than this
Greater than this

Love is right here
Love is alive
Love is the way
The truth the life

Love is the river than flows through
Love is the arms that are holding you
Love is the place you will fly to
Love never fails you

How Sweet The Sound

2011-02-02T21:56:00.004-05:00

I love the song Amazing Grace. I was my grandmother's favorite song. My cousin, Anna, sang it at her church a few weeks before she was killed in a car accident. My mom had it played at her wedding, even though it's generally not a wedding song. In August, as it played Brandy and I walked into the sanctuary holding hands, getting ready to stand up and give our mother's eulogy. She and I had just stood in the bathroom looking at ourselves in the mirror and saying 'I am my mother's daughter and I can do anything'. And at the end of the service we sang a different version, as my brain tried to figure out what to do next. I find it difficult to listen to it without tearing up, and yet I would listen to it every day.

I just watched the movie, Amazing Grace. When I put it on my Netflix cue I thought there was a movie out about the person who wrote the song and assumed that was it. While it does have the man who wrote the song in the movie, it's more about someone who knew him and the abolition of slavery in England. And it's nothing short of amazing.

As I watched it I found myself wanting to find out if William Wilberforce (a name I had never heard of an now am amazed by) saw all his work come to pass or if slavery wasn't abolished until after he died. Which made me think of the fact that we all want that, don't we. We want to know that what we've been working on and striving for means something. And we want to see it. Galatians 6:9 says 'And let us now weary of well doing, for in due season we will reap if we do not give up.' It almost confirms that we are going to see the results of our good works if we keep working. And yet, reality says that is not always the case.

Which brings me to what I've been pondering recently...perspective. I've truly realized that all of life can be changed by perspective. My favorite phrase to keep me from going insane with something that feels like it is taking forever is 'this is just what I am doing today'. Instead of looking at it as something I need to get done before I move onto the next thing, I look at it as what I'm doing that day. Then when it's over I move onto the next thing in line. It's a matter of perspective on my day. I've also been working on perspective on my life. If I believe that there is a heaven (and I do), and if I believe that I'm going there (and I do), then this life, no matter how rough it seems right now is a really, tiny, ity bity slice of the big pie of life. The big pie of life in eternity has me on this earth for (let's be REALLY optimistic on life span) 100 years. If I put my perspective on eternity then, these 100 years on earth don't seen all that large.

And it brings me to the next thing I've been contemplating recently (notice I've been doing a lot of contemplating and not a lot of blog writing). What am I going to do with these 100 years that is going to be worth something from the perspective of eternity? I would love to do something that matters in those 100 years, but I have finally come to the point where I care more about doing something that is going to last much longer. And it's very possible that in order to do that I won't necessarily see the result with my eyes. Which brings us back full circle to William Wilberforce and the abolition of slavery. Something that I think was really impressive about his life was that he seriously contemplated leaving politics in order to serve God. But what he realized was that God had placed him right where he was - in politics - to serve Him. God has placed me in a specific spot, given me a specific set of skills, allowed me to have a specific set of experiences, and has planned for me a specific grand purpose, which He says in His Word is beyond anything I can imagine. My job is to listen close enough to him, and persevere long enough with Him that I can make a difference in both this world and eternity.

The trick is making my brain wrap about that and accept it because it is far easier to contemplate than to life out...but then again aren't most things? So I will leave you with what has become one of my favorite stanzas in Amazing Grace, a stanza which I didn't actually notice until just recently...it's amazing what you can miss if you aren't looking...talk about perspective.

The Lord has promised good to me,
His Word my hope secures,
He will my shield and portion be,
As long as life endures.

And the version we sang at the end of my mom's service.

The Early Bird

2011-01-23T22:50:00.003-05:00

For YEARS I have wished to be a morning person. I set my alarm early thinking of all the wonderful things I could accomplish in the wee morning hours heading to work feeling productive and ready to face the day. I come up with grand ways to rewarding myself. I attempt going to bed early to assist in the whole getting a good night sleep so I'm well rested and ready to wake up. I nap on weekends thinking that I'm just short on sleep during the week and so I'll catch up and then be ready to start the next week. I look at all these morning people and tell myself it's just a matter of practice and I will be one of them, leaping out of bed excited about the day as soon as the alarm goes off...

But all is to no avail. As I sit here at 10:52 writing this blog I believe I'm going to come to grips with the fact that I'm not a morning person. I like the idea of being a morning person because it's so quiet and serene in the morning. The day is full of promise. And something about the sun coming up makes me happy. But, the actual act of waking up and getting out of my bed just really isn't doing it for me. I have determined that while I love the idea of being the early bird that gets the worm, I am not.

And so instead of beating myself up about it I'm going to start just realigning my day and all the things I want to do in the morning, but never do because I hit the snooze button 80 times and wake up with just enough time to get ready and get out of the house. I will plan to read my bible at night, sit by the fire at night, have a cup of tea at night, pray at night, eat dessert or a bowl of cereal instead of enjoying a nice breakfast (which never ever happens because I'm rarely hungry in the morning), sit with the dog on the couch instead of going for a walk (which isn't going to happen as long as it's cold anyway!). I will try to convince myself that it's also serene and peaceful at night - which many times is true. And I'll work on redirecting my idea of the day being ahead of me, to a good night sleep and the next day being ahead of me. We shall see how this works. It's possible that it won't work at all, but then again, clearly the pretending I'm a morning person isn't working so it's worth trying something new...

13.1

2011-01-15T17:06:00.003-05:00

Today Brandy and I ran the Charleston Half Marathon! It was actually a very fun run, much better than our last half marathon, which we did at Kiawah a few years ago. We had run our marathon a year before and so we decided that 13 miles wasn't all that far and we didn't REALLY have to stick to our running schedule...not so much a good idea. We were in PAIN! So, our goal this time around was to a) follow our training schedule, and b) try to run it in 10 minute miles and finish in under 2 hours and 15 minutes.

So, yesterday I went to pick up our race packets and my dad bought Brandy and I cutie shirts that would make it easier to find us in the crowd and were made of that sweat wick material so our sweat wouldn't make us cold. I mean, seriously, how cute are we?

We also had some sweet $5 sweatshirts that went over them for the start because it was FREEZING outside this morning. We dropped those around the 4 mile mark and made our way along with the rest of the runners from downtown to North Charleston. Round about 8 miles my legs decided that they hated me and that I should stop running...obviously I did not, thankfully Brandy was there to pull me through. This was just before 10 miles where my dad, Nikole and Melody were standing to yell for us.

My legs were very happy about this and gave me a little more running without screaming in exchange for a cup of gatorade at the next water stop. But soon enough they were back to being pissy about the whole continuing to run thing after they told me they really wanted to stop. We persevered, however, and soon enough we were running the final mile through the old navy base and onto the finish line (the back side of the 5K and 10K start sign was finish).

And we ended up running in 2 hours and 11 minutes - a mighty fine time if I do say so myself. I wish I could have kept the little legs going just a little faster the last few miles to get us down to just over 2 hours, but I will totally take it. It's 25 minutes faster than our Kiawah time and we did finish in front of the 2 hour 15 minute pacing team, which I was kicking my butt to do (there is something painful about being passed towards the end).

We stayed around and watched the top mens and womens full marathoners finish - the top man finished in 3 hours and 38 minutes...in case you are trying to figure it out it is just over 5 minute miles...for 26 miles. And the top woman finished in just under 3 hours, putting her at an average of 7 minute miles. I find it amazing that humans can do that. The extra standing around actually really helped in the legs not tightening up to the point we couldn't walk afterward. It seems counter-intuitive, but as it turns out sitting down after is actually NOT the best option :)

We got lot of compliments on our shirts, which had the Jeremiah quote from my 2011 post on them - I think it's a sign! :) The race numbers also had our names on them which was cool because then people along the route yell for you. And we had someone yell 'go sisters'...and some people say Brandy and I don't look alike!

After some shrimp and grits, bagel and water at the finish, then Bojangles chicken and mashed potatoes after we got home and then a nice shower I am feeling good to be done, and glad we did it.

Oh, and just for fun we are also laying a tile floor in my kitchen and dining room this weekend...thankfully my friend Susan let us borrow her husband to assist my dad for the past few hours today because Brandy and I have been nearly useless...we have served as great cheerleaders from the couch :)

C is for Chocolate

2011-01-11T14:21:00.004-05:00

Anyone who knows much about me knows I am pretty much obsessed with chocolate. And thus, my friend Nicole sent me this picture which indicates to me that there is an amazing item in the world that I need to own...and then eat...the 5 pound Hershey's chocolate bar...

I also wouldn't mind owning a chocolate diamond, which I didn't know existed until 2 months ago!
How have I not known about so many chocolate items?

Snow Day in Charleston

2011-01-10T11:21:00.002-05:00

Who would expect having to call all my speakers and facilitators and e-mail all my participants to cancel a meeting in coastal South Carolina because of...SNOW and ICE! I mean, that's crazy. And then I woke up this morning with all state government offices closed, which means SNOW DAY!!! I mean there is not actually snow, but there is ice. So, I am sitting by the fire, skyping with Brandy and Maia, and Kaylinn is ripping stuffing out of a stuffed snowman, chewing bones like a wild woman, and taking random naps throughout the house. It's pretty hysterical.

2011

2011-01-05T09:03:00.002-05:00

Well, it's a new year. I can't tell you how many times last year I kept saying 'I can't wait until 2010 is over', and yet, now that it is, I almost wish it wasn't. 2010 was the year my mom died. That in itself could qualify it as the worst year of my life. It was also the year that I ended my marriage. It was the year that my sister learned just how hard it was going to be, if not impossible to get pregnant. It was the year that my dad found out he had to go through the rest of his life without the love of his life. And it was the year that my baby sister lost her mom the week before she turned 18. If it wasn't bad enough that it was the worst year of my life, it was the worst year of my family's life.

And yet, now I'm looking at 2011 and realizing this will be the first year that I don't see my mom's face and hear her voice on the phone, or call her up to get a recipe, or sit down for a cup of tea in the morning when we both wake up. This will be the first year where there is an entire 365 days without her, and that really doesn't make me all that excited about this year. I will have my first birthday without her being the first to wish me happy birthday. I will have my first wedding anniversary both without a marriage to celebrate and without a mom to say that it's going to be ok. And on August 19, 2011 I will look at the calendar and know that it's been an entire year since I said goodbye. Those aren't great firsts to look forward to.

And yet, I'm sure there will be moments of joy, and moments of laughter, and memories I will never forget, just like there was this year. There will be new experiences and new friends, just like there was this year. And, I think slowly my heart will keep healing, just like this year. But I can't help but be a little afraid of any heartbreak that may happen this year...just like last year.

I've never really been much for New Years Resolutions, although being someone who loves to plan I also have a weird affinity for them. In essence my resolution this year is to be more thankful. I don't think I'm un-thankful, but I do think I take things for granted sometimes. Last year at this time we were gearing up for my mom's bone marrow transplant and much like my friend Rachel said she did with her dad, I think I didn't really consider the possibility of my mom not making it. I took for granted the idea of always having here there. It's not that I didn't enjoy the time I had, or make room in my schedule to have time with her, it's just I always deep down kinda assumed we would still have more. So I'm going to make it a goal to take less for granted this year.

I'm also going to make it a goal to help those who do not have things that I do have as a way to remind myself to be thankful for what I have. The verse that keeps coming up no matter where I look the past few days is 'And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, show mercy, and walk humbly with your God. (Micah 6:8)'. So that is my New Years Resolution - I will act justly, show mercy and walk humbly with my God. Happy New Year everyone.

Pelican Rescue

2010-12-29T16:19:00.005-05:00

Today we went for what we expected to be a relatively quiet walk on the beach. There have certainly not been many people out on the beach these days which makes for a relaxing walk if you bundle up enough, and we wanted to take some of my mom's ashes to the ocean. We continued up the beach and found outselves a little task to attend to that my mom would have found quite entertaining...a pelican rescue.

We noticed a pelican sitting on the beach, which in itself was odd, but then we saw the surf was coming in and he wasn't really moving out of it's way, which was more odd. Then we saw him try to fly away from the surf at which point we realized his wing and foot were hurt. On the cell phone I went, thankfully knowing the number for DNR only to hear the most absurd message ever, which after pressing a few buttons gave me a number to call if I was calling about an injured animal, another number to call if I was calling about a nuisance animal, information about how to find stuff on the internet, and then said you could leave a message and they would call you back on January 4th. Wow, thanks for the help. Somehow I feel like if I'm calling about an injured animal I'm not going to be on a computer, January 4th is of no help, and by this point people who have issues remembering numbers are having issues remembering the first number you listed really fast.

While all that was happening a family walked up and was talking with my dad, Brandy, Matt and Tabbi. After I dial the number that I'm hoping I remembered correctly and a voice said 'hold on one minute' and then was talking on another line, I wait thankfully to find out that the family that walked up had already called DNR so I can hang up on this very long process of getting in touch with someone at my office the week I know NO ONE is in the office! They inform us that there is not one at the office (yep, I figured that one) but that if we could get Mr. Pelican into the car we could drop him off at the Birds of Prey Rehabilitation about a half hour up the road. That is where our staff would have taken it anyway, I guess there were just not enough DNR people in the office to do the transporting. So, the DNR person told her some very handy tips such as the fact you can't hold their bills closed or they can't breathe, the inside of their bill is razor sharp, their necks are very resilient, and when you pick them up they will only weigh about 4 pounds, much lighter than you think.

We made attempt number one as our new friends' husband ran to grab their car, which they had put a laundry basket and towels in from their house. We realized one of the problems was going to be the fact that when we walked towards him he tried to fly away very sadly, which took him further into the surf. We were concerned about this but just planning our attack until the surf actually knocked him over and he was floundering underwater until he finally flipped back over. Brandy, who had already had her shoes off was rolling up her pants, and my shoes were coming off in moments. Brandy walked out into the surf (which by the way was FREEZING) to keep him from trying to go back out into the waves, I walked out into the surf but not at far which got him to look away from my direction to try to get away, and our friend swept in quickly from the side and grabbed him before we even knew what happening. It was pretty impressive! Mr. Pelican was none too happy with this process and decided to try to bite our new friend so my dad held his little neck so he wasn't swinging it wildly about (good thing we knew not to hold his beat shut!).

We all ran him out to the road (through briars on the ground on our bare feet) and into the back of their car and they headed out to give him a fighting chance at the rehabilitation center. We then headed back to the house on our freezing little tootsie toes and into some warm socks. It was all rather eventful to say the least, and certainly added some spice to the scattering of my mom's ashes...but that's probably how she would have liked it :)

Our friend's daughter captured the saving of Roger the pelican as they named him on the way to the rehabilitation center. Yes, I am at this moment wearing no jacket, a massive winter hat and am in bare feet...you have to be nimble when saving pelicans and the hat keeps you someone warm at least :)

God's Poem

2010-12-26T21:52:00.009-05:00

Today, I am sitting in my dad's bedroom by the pellet stove watching snow fall on the deck, thinking about the last time I did this...It was February and Brandy and I were sitting in my parent's bedroom by the pellet stove watching snow fall on the deck. In this same chair, doing this same thing I posted 'The Big Snow' while my mom and dad were staying the night in a Holiday Inn in Baltimore so that my mom could get to Hopkins in the morning for her daily tests. That is the same Holiday Inn my dad and I took a nap in 4 months ago days before my mom died.

Maybe it's the onset of Christmas and everyone asking what it is you want, but as of late, I have been trying to determine what it is I really want. Even in my prayers, I tell God I have no idea what I want from Him. I can sense as I pray that it's something God wants me to figure out because somehow that is going to help me deal with my grief, but I have been having problems doing it. On the surface I could say what I want is more time with my mom, but as I pray I can sense there is something more to it. About 3 days ago I realized what it is...What I really want is normal back. My normal has been utterly and completely changed, and I want it back.

I figured it out as I was reading Joni Eareckson Tada's newest book 'A Place of Healing'. She quotes Mary Jane Iron's statement on normal:

"Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are...Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow. One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in my pillow, or stretch myself taunt, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return."

My parents taught me how to be a person that didn't take things for granted, appreciate what you have and accept what you don't. We lived today, not waiting until tomorrow to do something or say something or go somewhere if we were able to. I appreciated my mom and I told her and showed her that I loved her, and yet I so long to tell her again. Brandy and I wrote in our eulogy that we can't say we really regret anything we didn't do with or didn't say to our mom, and yet there is an aching that we didn't do everything we could have. I realized that longing, that aching is for the normal day. My dad and I were talking on Christmas Eve about the fact that you will always ask for one more day, one more 'i love you', one more hug...it's just the nature of the beast. That asking is asking for the normal. When I scream at God that I'm angry and I don't know why, I'm angry because I don't have my normal. When I cry in my pillow and can't put a finger on why, it's because I just had a moment that should have been normal and wasn't. I have very much realized over the past few months that it's not the huge things I miss, it's the little things...it's the normal things.

It's hard to appreciate normal. Driving to work, sitting at a restaurant waiting for food, handing someone something from the fridge, watching a TV show together, checking on a recipie as you make it, going for a walk, finding out what someone did that day...that is normal...that is what I miss...that is what I long for. Do you know what I do regret? That we didn't videotape a normal day. But who thinks to videotape a normal day? You videotape a birthday, or a vacation spot, or a special event, but nobody videotapes making cinnamon rolls on Christmas morning and the random, non-important conversation that ensues. That, however it what I want. And as I write this I suddenly realize, that even if I had it, it wouldn't be enough. If I had that video, I would want a video of us sitting in the bedroom while my mom talked about the food network and Brandy and I laughed at how excited she was. And if I had that video, I would want a video of my dad coming home from work and giving my mom a kiss like he did every day....I would just want more because there are so many normal moments you can't possibly video them all. And it would seem wierd to have a video set up while you are going through your day :)

In the end, what I am coming to understand is that normal is always changing. Right now I'm getting used to a very severe kind of change in normal, the kind that makes it impossible to ever go back. I will never experience a 'normal Christmas' or 'normal drive to work' or 'normal day sitting by my parent's pellet stove' as I understand normal. I have to work out my new normal as I phrased it shortly after my mom died...I didn't know the wisdom of the words I was writing. How I figure that out is beyond me at this point, but I do think that knowing that is what I'm longing for will help me learn to let it go. God wasn't asking me to figure it out so he could wave it in my face and say 'well, too bad, you can't have it'. He was asking me to figure it out because in the figure out of what I wanted, I would start the process of figuring out the next question I'll ask Him.

Joni Eareckson Tada pointed out something very interesting about Ephesians 2:10, which says that we are God's workmanship created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do. The word 'workmanship' in the original Greek is poiema, from which we get our English word 'poem'. What a beautiful way to look at yourself - as God's poem to the world. There are certainly some dark lines in my poem as of late, but if God knew in advance what he had planned for my poem to accomplish then these dark lines were supposed to be here. The normal in my previous stanzas is certainly not the normal that will be in my future stanzas, but I will keep trusting that 'God knows the plans he has for me, plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. (Jeremiah 29:11)

Then He Smiled At Me

2010-12-25T08:00:00.001-05:00

Today's song is my mom's favorite Christmas song, 'Little Drummer Boy' - Merry Christmas!

Fall On Your Knees

2010-12-24T08:00:00.001-05:00

I've had requests for a number of versions of this song, but since day 1, Christmas Eve and Christmas Day has been chosen...and we have arrived. 'O Holy Night' is possibly my favorite song of all time, not just Christmas, and I have yet to hear someone sing it like Ronnie Milsap. Granted, I am somewhat biased in my love for Ronnie at Christmas, but you listen to this version and tell me if much can stand up against it. I will leave you with my mom's thoughts on it..."If that song doesn't bring you to your knees, you don't have a soul."

Let Your Heart Be Light

2010-12-23T12:51:00.001-05:00

I am headed home today...for my first Christmas without my mom. But I'm also headed home to a Christmas WITH my dad and Nikole and my aunts and uncles and grandparents. So, for today I'm going to post a song that for some reason seems to match how I feel heading home. There is something about 'Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas' that isn't so overwhelmingly 'everything is great' and yet is also sweetly joyful. I don't think that next year all my troubles will be out of sight, but have yourself a merry little Christmas now...

Hark Hear the Bells

2010-12-22T16:34:00.002-05:00

Brandy is headed to Charleston as I write this! Her favorite song is 'Carol of the Bells'. She said it always reminds her of the craziness of the last few days before Christmas, so we saved it for the end of the Christmas song a day list. And, since she woke up at 7am this morning to get things rolling so they could get on their way we figured today she pretty much feels like this! I really wanted to put the Kenny Rogers version on here because that is the best version out there! But, unfortunately YouTube could not deliver on that. So, we shall go with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir version and then for good measure, and because Lisa and I were talking about Trans-Siberian Orchestra today, we'll add their version as well...

You Better Watch Out

2010-12-21T07:38:00.003-05:00

Well, since I'm already on the computer this morning, now done attempting to find numbers to get in touch with bus companies, I figured I would post today's song. This is Kim's request, which I needed today - something about 'Santa Claus is Coming to Town' makes you smile. And a new singer request - Dolly Parton!

New Contact

2010-12-21T07:32:00.003-05:00

I have a new contact in my phone. It is labeled 'Idiot Bus Company'. This morning, my sister, my dad and I spent 30 minutes trying to figure out how to get Nikole to school because these idiots decided that since Nikole said yesterday I was coming home 'Monday' they didn't need to pick her up. Every day is 'Monday' to Nikole. She is riding a special needs bus, don't you think they got the idea that she's special needs? and maybe just maybe they should have an actual note from her parent to say that yes in fact she does not need to be picked up seeing as how my mom always wrote her a note and my dad now writes her notes when she doesn't need to get picked up? I guess that's too hard of a concept to understand.

How Are You? - an update

2010-12-20T18:31:00.000-05:00

It seems the 'How are you?' question is being thrown around more often now that we are hitting a season when apparently I will miss my mom more than I miss her on a normal day. I do have to say I don't necessarily think that's true. I miss her for different reasons, and those reasons are indeed tied to a specific month of the year, but it's not like on the 26th all the sudden I'm going to miss her less.

I am, however, going through another wave of crying which may or may not have to do with what I wish was happening right now. I wish I was getting daily calls about things 'screaming my name' or her checking on what time I fly in a million times as if my flight schedule isn't hanging right behind the phone, or us planning which cookies we are going to make on which day, or knowing that she is planning out which neighborhoods we are going to drive through to look at lights, or...I could do this all day.

It also may be tied to the fact that it's been 4 months...4 months never seemed so long. I know I'm not the only one who has found these last 4 months so long and difficult. Last Wednesday my dad wrote this and sent it to me:

Some say GOD's been talk’n to me.
What a scary thought.
That He would try and teach me things.
That no one else been taught.

I just think I’m think’n things.
I’ve known for many years.
They are all come’n together now.
It’s just noise between my ears.

I wake up early morning.
With questions in my mind.
Soon find the answers in there too.
Just needed lots more time.

I can’t stop think’n about my wife.
And all the times we had.
She was every bit, all my life.
And the thoughts now make me sad.

I know that GOD is in this thing.
He’s been with me through the tears.
I know the answers come from Him.
It’s not just noise between my ears.

Sometimes I have to struggle.
Just to get through one more day.
When everyone else around me.
Continues on, their merry way.

I know it’s not their problem.
And I know it’s not their pain.
But don’t they see me crying?
Just because I don’t complain.

GOD has me in his loving arms.
He will help me through my fears.
All my questions, answered there.
With noise between my ears.

So for those who have been asking, that is the best way I can describe how I am - I know it's not your problem, and I'm trying not to complain, I know God has me and will help me, but there are still a whole lot of questions in my brain, some days I have to struggle more than others just to get through, and while I appreciate the moments of joy that I find, the moments of sorrow are similarly overwhelming. The problem is, there is really nothing anyone can do, including myself, other than wait. Wait until the pain fades...but does it really? Am I really ever going to stop wishing my mom was planning out our Christmas light route? And how long with it take for me to not notice Thursday as a different day of the week than every other day because it marks another week gone by? At what point does my will to get through become stronger than my want to have her back?

In 1864, Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote the words to 'I Heard the Bells', a Christmas song that I've never really paid attention to. That is until I heard Casting Crowns sing it this year. This was written in the midst of the Civil War, after Longfellow's wife died unexpectedly and his oldest son was injured in the war. The poem, which later became a song, speaks of despair, but ends with confident hope and triumphant peace. I have yet to understand how I will ever feel those again, but I will say with Longfellow's bells 'God is not dead, nor does he sleep'. I may not feel it, but in my heart I hear them.

Someday at Christmas

2010-12-20T17:51:00.003-05:00

This is a new one for me! My Aunt Barb has requested 'Someday at Christmas' by Stevie Wonder and I am loving it. Enjoy...

'All I Want for Christmas' Montage

2010-12-19T09:22:00.000-05:00

My Aunt Jen gets today's song...'All I Want for Christmas is a Really Good Tan'. Which got me thinking of 'All I Want for Christmas is my Two Front Teeth' and 'All I Want for Christmas is You'. And thus today, you have the 'All I want for Christmas' montage...which ends with 'I'm Getting Nuttin' for Christmas'...because it doesn't matter what you want for Christmas if you are on the naughty list! :)

Tell Him He Can Take the Freeway Down

2010-12-18T09:38:00.001-05:00

My brother, Matthew's request is 'Run, Run, Rudolph', which is pretty appropriate considering we have one week until Christmas - that's right, people - ONE WEEK!

and while we are talking about him, how could we miss his actual song...Rudolph, as sung by Harry Connick, Jr...

Hurry Christmas, Hurry Fast

2010-12-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

Prior to Andrea's spectacular find of the Italian Christmas Donkey, she had requested Alvin and the Chipmunks 'The Christmas Song', so I say we continue with the adorableness of animated animals and bring on the Chipmunks for today! While I do not support Alvin's pre-Christmas sneaking into gifts, I do love this song :)

I'm Dreaming...

2010-12-16T23:16:00.003-05:00

For Petrone we are going to do a little mid-day switch post. Because I really will be dreaming of a White Christmas tonight...it snowed at home, which makes me hope that come December 25th some little white snowflakes will be falling from the sky. So here is the song for the night between the 16th and 17th :)

Jiggidy Jig

2010-12-16T20:30:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I got a call from Andrea that went something like 'I have a song for you! It's about a donkey and they actually sing he haw hew haw in it'. OBVIOUSLY that meant it would be today's song, and thus the little known and yet, hysterically awesome 'Dominic the Italian Christmas Donkey'...

Mistletoe Hung Where You Can See

2010-12-15T10:37:00.000-05:00

My cousin, Jack, was the ONLY person who checked to make sure that I would in fact get a song on the blog yesterday, and thus he is the winner of today's Christmas song request. As you will be able to tell, Jack has similar Christmas musical tastes to his dad, which was Day 6, and has requested Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree as performed by Gary Hoey (this was unfortunately the best quality sound I could get for this specific version)...

For those who would prefer a more classic take on Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree, here is the Brenda Lee version... :)

I Really Must Say...

2010-12-14T22:34:00.002-05:00

...Baby, It's Cold Outside! No really, it is. It also happens to be a song that has been requested by both Lisa and Nicole. Lisa suggested the Royal Crown Revue version, which I am loving, so here you go...hope you are sitting by a fire to listen to it like I am :)

A Little 80s Rock Band for your Christmas

2010-12-13T07:34:00.003-05:00

Yesterday 12 people from my church went to see the production 'Every Christmas Story Ever Told (and then some)'. If you have a production group doing it near you, I would HIGHLY recommend it. You will in essence laugh from the beginning to the end. It's done by only 4 actors and they literally go through every Christmas story you remember growing up, so they are going back and forth changing costumes the entire time. It's awesome. One of our favorite sections was when they did the Nutcracker, I'm still laughing thinking about it. So, I decided for today's song we would post my friend, Lisa's request of "anything Trans-Siberian Orchestra", and go with their version of Nutcracker...which just so happens to be an awesome version :)

Deck the Halls

2010-12-12T09:09:00.000-05:00

Next up on the request list - my sister-in-law Tabbi's request for 'Deck the Halls'. Her maiden name was Hall so of course people loved to use the fact that their last name matched the song :) I love the version by Ottmar Liebert and I found this video of someone's house that the set up to light up to the song...yeah, kinda intense :)

but in case you are in the mood for a more classic version, here you go, I went with Bing Crosby as I'm watching White Christmas for the first time...I know, scandelous for a Christmas crazy person such as myself :)

Brilliant

2010-12-11T11:53:00.000-05:00

I know, again it's a double song day, but no self respecting Christmas-song-a-day poster could find this one and not immediately post it for others to share in. They play these songs entirely on I-pads and I-phones. Love it!

Link